Episode 9

In case you gouged your eyes out last night when James Franco appeared in drag at the 83rd Annual Academy Awards ceremony, here’s what you couldn’t see on tonight’s episode of the Bachelor.

We begin with Brad packing in the concrete jungle of New York for the jungle of South Africa. Considering the heat and the fact that most of his time will be spent in a fantasy suite, I’m not sure why the hell he needs two full-sized bags all of a sudden. He confesses that he is scared and that he has trust issues. Where is the shrink? Is Dr. Phil going to meet him under a jackalberry tree on some game reserve once he arrives? What happened to his Austin doctor? What happened to his L.A. doctor? Will they be on next week’s After the Final Rose? Will they appear on the show The Doctors with former Bachelor and Nashville hottie, Dr. Travis Stork? Anyway, on the plane he laments his strong connection with the final three girls. With Chantal he had immediate chemistry, but she cries too much. Ashley is comfortable but she is insecure. Emily is one in a million and makes him a better person, but he is intimidated by her past. He arrives and they roll the tourism footage of stinky animals and golden sunsets as the Lion King soundtrack plays in the background.

Date one is with Chantal. She is busting out of her safari shirt. She and Brad wear matching hats and they tour the land on a safari. They hang out next to some sleeping lions (a dream come true for Brad) and the whole time they voice over how awesome everything is and how awesome the other is. I wish Emily had been there to say “shut up” every time they saw an animal. Brad brings up the danger of Africa for the second time as their guide walks them to the riverside with a gun in his hand. There are hippopotami all over the place and I am reminded of a statistic I read once about more people in Africa dying as a result of hippo attacks than of cancer. Chantal is trusting Brad to keep her safe (I personally, would take the gun, but whatever) and they sit by the river and cheese about how great they are and voice over metaphors about their love and how they have come a long distance and braved heart-ache, blah, blah, blah. When they start kissing, the hippo starts eying them. I think it is a little jealous; thinking Chantal is one of its own.

After an outfit change, Chantal starts her voice over about hoping for a happy ending later that night. They discuss getting married and Brad used the adverb “badly” for the eight millionth time during this journey. He gives her the key and note from Chris Harrison explaining the fantasy suite. She compares the fantasy suite to Vegas, as in what happens there; stays there, although it’s pretty clear what she intends to happen there. She says she’s ready to skip dinner and go straight to the suite. The suite is an elaborate tree house with a bed in it. Is there indoor plumbing? Because if I had sex in a tree, I’d sure as hell want a shower afterward. After they make out for a bit, the cameras leave them alone to do whatever it is that people do in a tree overnight. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion may sleep tonight, but I don’t think Brad will be getting any shut-eye.

The second date is with Emily. She rocks a pair of Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots like only a Southern belle can. Brad says he forgot something and leaves almost long enough for Emily to remember he’s a putz. Then he returns on an elephant at which point she says “shut up!” She says her life long dream has been to go to Africa and ride an elephant. (Seriously? Where do these people come up with these dreams?) I’ve got to tell you, my son rode an elephant one time at the circus. He was on it for maybe five minutes, tops. Afterward, he smelled like feet. Bad feet. Really bad feet. You know how a horse will just do it’s business while you’re riding it? I’m guessing an elephant will, too. That is not my idea of a romantic Saturday night. Emily says this is just like the Lion King, only better. She’s right; it is better. Can you imagine if we had to endure Whoopie Goldberg voicing an animated hyena right about now? Emily asks Brad if he’s ready for an instant family and he says that he is. He says that he loves that she’s a package deal and they make out as elephants shriek in the background.

After a clothing change they go to an intimate dinner. It appears to also be in a tree. I’m hoping this isn’t the same tree as the night before. Brad can hardly speak because of the partnership between Emily’s cleavage and her short skirt. Emily confesses that she’s falling in love with Brad and hope she will be able to tell him how she feels. She struggles to get it out, but does manage to tell him that she likes him. Brad confesses that he wants her to go to the fantasy suite so they can talk off camera. He gives her the card and she says that she needs to set a good example for her daughter. However, she wants some more time with him and will go. She makes it clear that they will continue to take things slow and there will only be talking going on at the suite. Brad seems thrilled that she said yes, even though she basically said “you ain’t gettin’ any.” Their fantasy suite is indoors. Emily doesn’t waste time telling Brad that she loves him and he starts stuttering and breaks the rules and tells her that he is falling in love with her also.

The last date is with Ashley. This whole day is the worst thing to happen in South Africa since apartheid. She shows up in some cheeky uneven cut off shorts with the pockets hanging out of the bottom of them. Brad confesses that he has concerns about Ashley after meeting her family. They walk through the brush to a helicopter. She promptly begins to freak out and run away because she is scared of helicopters (shocking). Brad says he will take care of her and she agrees to go. She freaks out as they take off but then confesses how safe she feels with Brad. Brad confesses how proud he is of her conquering her fears. They arrive in the middle of nowhere to a place that locals call “God’s Window.” They sit down for a picnic and the train wreck becomes more gruesome. Brad toasts her family and uses that as a segway into asking her about her goals. She doesn’t appear to have made any plans past next Tuesday, and doesn’t really answer his questions. She confesses that their conversation is a wake-up call. Brad confesses that they need to have another serious conversation because he is even more concerned.

Before we get to their outfit change, ABC interrupts programming for a “live press conference” to announce the cast of Dancing With the Stars. We learn that “boxing’s best” Sugar Ray Leonard will be a part of the program. Also, “Disney Dream Girl” Chelsea Kane (don’t worry, I haven’t heard of her either) will star. “Master of hip hop’s son” Romeo will be along for the ride, as will “the original karate kid” Ralph Macchio. And although she could not be there tonight because she was speaking at the U.N., “super survivor and supermodel” Petra Nemcova will join the cast.

To stretch things out like only ABC can, we return to the date. The couple has changed clothes and is at dinner by a fire in the middle of the woods at a table and chairs made out of tree stumps. Ashley brings up that he really made her think and that she does want balance in her career and life. She sits there swatting invisible bugs and tries to explain that everything is compromise, yet she isn’t really listening to the questions or what Brad has to say. She wants him to just have faith that things will work out, but he doesn’t think she’s getting it. He sounds like he’s breaking up with her and she again says he should do what’s best for him and that she feels like he’s “just looking for a wife.” Let me repeat that, she said “I feel like you’re just looking for a wife.”  Um, can you turn those cameras off for a second. Yeah, I need to see the producer. Um, do you think someone can explain to Ashley what the premise of the show, the Bachelor, is all about? Because apparently, she’s smart enough to get through 80% of dental school, but she hasn’t grasped the whole point of why she’s sitting in the middle of the freaking jungle in hot and more than likely humid South Africa. At this point, Brad gives up and just asks her how her food tastes. He confesses that he needs more from their relationship and then gives her the fantasy suite card. She acts all shocked about the key and card (maybe she really doesn’t know how this show works after all), but says yes and that she hopes they can move forward. This suite is a mix between the first two. Although it is indoors, it has trees inside of it. They go straight to kissing, but then they just sit around soaking in the awkwardness.

I don’t know about where you are, but in my area, every other commercial during the Bachelor is for Beyaz birth control. Another one of those airs at this point. Is Beyaz just a redo of the old birth control Yaz? You know, the one that was supposed to be hip and clear up your zits, but really turned out to like rot your insides and make all of your future offspring have two heads or something? And is it just me, or does anyone else always think of the slang word Biotch every time you hear them say Beyaz? Anyway, just curious about that one. At least they aren’t singing the days of the week and diving into a stupid swimming pool.

The next day, Brad waxes poetic in voice over while he gets dressed and heads to the rose ceremony. He sits down with Chris Harrison to chat. He tells Chris how difficult this is because he doesn’t want to say goodbye to someone. He says he knows he will more than likely be engaged at the end of this. They talk about how the date with Ashley sucked and Brad all but says that he’s going to send her packing, but he wants to talk to her one more time to make sure. Chris re-caps to the girls about their journey and introduces Brad. Ashley looks seriously worried. Brad fumbles around and asks her to come talk to him. They walk up to a patio while Emily and Chantal wait below to sweat it out; literally. She looks pissed and he apologizes that their date was so rotten. She asks what happened and he says he just wanted to work everything out. She says she wanted this and he asks, “then what the hell happened?” He says she doesn’t feel like he fits into her life. She says she just doesn’t know how to do this any better and she seems to be counting herself out. He realizes that she’s not the one and he says that he needs to tell her goodbye and doesn’t want for her to have to go through a rose ceremony. She says she’s not going to beg him for a rose and gets all bitchy with him. He walks her out and helps her into the car. In the back of the car, she cries but doesn’t really say anything worthwhile. She thinks they were “lost in translation.”

Brad goes back into the house where the rose ceremony is to take place and spends some alone time pondering life and love. At this time, we get to go back to the live press conference.  The next contestant on Dancing with the Stars is the “bunny next door” Kendra Wilkinson. Thank goodness, now she will finally be able to lose that baby weight. There is no applause whatsoever for Stealer Hines Ward, as even the audience members don’t know who he is. From the Love Line is Mike Catherwood. He’s the guy that you saw earlier this season when the Bachelor went to the Love Line show. He was the one that wasn’t Dr. Drew. The “queen of all media” Wendy Williams will also be on the show along with WWE star Chris Jericho. Last but certainly not least is “Hollywood’s most outrageous actress” Kirsti Alley. Time for some questions from the press (i.e. the two people who work for ABC that are on the shit list). Right off the bat, one has to wonder if Kirsti Alley is stoned. And why didn’t she answer the questions? She has been approached before to do the show; why did she say yes this time around? Just say it, Kirsti, just tell everyone that you need the money for liposuction and be done with it. Own it, sister! And how about Ralph Macchio? where the hell has he been? And will someone please give him Ashley’s number now that she’s been cut from the Bachelor? Those two need to hook up because his teeth were looking all sorts of shades of nasty.

Back at the rose ceremony, Brad finally comes back to Emily and Chantal. He talks about how great Ashley is and how he is looking for forever. He presents a rose to Chantal and she accepts. Then he presents one to Emily who also accepts the rose. He tells them they are going to stay in South Africa and will be meeting his family in Cape Town. Although I was hoping for a group hug, he hugs them individually and they raise a glass to love.

And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.

Episode 8

This episode started with Brad telling us about the four remaining girls. Chantal is different, like no other girl. He has so much fun with her, but he thinks she’s emotional (um, she’s a girl, dude, seriously) and that worries him. He feels like his time with Ashley is spent reassuring each other and not moving forward, and this is a big concern. With Shawntel, things are easy because they had an immediate connection and things are consistent. And according to Brad (and the rest of the population), Emily has set the bar high. He is scared, however because it is deeper than just them because she has a daughter. I am pleased when Brad gets into his car to head off to the hometown dates. He now is carrying a nice leather satchel instead of the stupid gym bag he used in the first episode. The stylish bag almost makes up for his ill fitted pea-coat and page-boy hat. I realize it is cold in Seattle, but that whole look was nothing but Rocky Balboa arriving in Russia in Rocky IV.

When Brad gets to Chantal’s he is glad that she is happy and not all tearful (emotional) and that she seems stable. Apparently Brad missed the fact that happiness is also an emotion. He makes it clear to her that he would love to visit her hometown, but that his home is and will continue to be in Austin. They arrive at her house where he meets her animals. She has two cats and a dog that wears clothes (don’t get me started). For the second time in Bachelor history, we see beer being consumed straight from the bottle (why, this is the most controversial season ever!). Is this because Brad owns a bar and realizes that real people drink from the bottle? Or is it that Chantal just got home and didn’t have time to prep a frosty mug? Brad admits that he needs to buy a bigger house. He currently lives in a loft in the downtown area, and there would not be room for all three pets, and the two of them, plus there would not be enough closet space for Chantal (especially since her clothes are bigger than all the other girls). She makes it clear that if her pets and parents don’t like him, then he is out. Glad to know the pecking order.  They arrive at Chantal’s parent’s house. Of course, it is very nice. After all, her father owns O’Brien Auto Parts and is a former Seattle Seahawk. The whole family is attractive, unlike some of the other families (they say you should always look at a girl’s mother to see how she will turn out) and Chantal and her dad go off to talk. Her dad seems thrilled that she slapped Brad upon meeting him. She tells him that she loves Brad and all is well. Dad and Brad then go out and talk next to this statue of a “self-made man.” The learn that they  both come from a family of masons and both built their own way from nothing. Chantal’s dad didn’t see his own father for the last 15 years of his life, so he empathized with the fact that Brad has no real relationship with his dad. This looks like the start of a beautiful bromance and Mr. O’Brien gives Brad his blessing. Mom and Chantal have a little chat, well Chantal talks and mom sits there, and finally mom is able to get in a few words and tells her daughter to trust her heart. At this point, I’m thinking Emily and Chantal will be the final two.

Next, Brad arrives at Ashley’s hometown. She lives in Philadelphia, but she grew up in upper Maine, so they are in Maine. One of my favorite shots is of the driver when Brad arrives. you can see him in the front seat behind the two as they reunite and he looks super serious, like he’s thinking about dead puppies and nuclear bombs so that he can keep from smirking. She uses the term disconnected right off the bat (will this girl never learn?). She takes Brad to the diner where she had her first job. Here she educated him about the French influence on the area. Brad continues to say over and over how he could live there, but he already made it clear he’s not moving, and she doesn’t even live there anymore, so unless he’s planning on moving there with Emily, it’s really a moot point. The waitress comes up and says something in French and Brad answers her with Si instead of Oui. They immediately cut to confessional footage of him saying what a moron he is that he answered yes in Spanish instead of French. Too bad politicians don’t have confessional footage. Think of all the heartache that could have been avoided if a few of our Presidents could immediately cut to confessional footage and say something like, “Oops! I don’t know why I said I didn’t have sexual relations with that woman! I guess I was really hungry and couldn’t think straight because I was thinking about that stuffed crust pizza at Pizza Hut.” Anyway, they order French (not Spanish) fries with cheese and gravy on them. Brad wants to use a fork, but Ashley insists they use their fingers. As she is feeding his big open mouth, she points out his crown to the whole world (very sexy, Ashley) and then she brings up that she wants to move forward instead of wasting time reassuring each other of their feelings. They go to a seafood shop and buy lobster and then to a road-side produce shack that uses the honor system. Next they go to the welcome sign at the city limits and take self portraits. When Ashley can’t think of any way to put it off any longer, she takes Brad to her parent’s house.

I was a bit surprised by her tattooed sister. Ashley seems the wholesome type and I didn’t see that one coming. Her dad lets us know that she’s actually not really a dentist, that she is in dental school. Brad tells her father that he wants kids, but her dad isn’t sure that she does. Brad begins to wonder if he will hold Ashley back from her full potential. Her sister says she thinks the time is right for Ashley to start a life with someone. It makes sense to take a leap now and then begin to build her practice. Her mother awkwardly asks if they can sleep over and then Brad leaves with a large paper bag filled with stuff. Did he get parting gifts? What’s in the bag; disposable toothbrushes and mini dental floss dispensers?

After the break, the show starts with a commercial for Shawntel’s family’s funeral home. Did they pay for that commercial? They just got a national spot in prime time television. Then Chantal is at the funeral home instead of some park and there is organ music playing in the background. Could they make this any more creepy? Answer: yes, they can. Brad arrives at the mausoleum and they walk through the crypts. He sees the crematory which is like a giant pizza oven. When they come to the prep room, Brad says it’s fascinating, but his face reads total freak out. She explains embalming along with visual aids while he continues to freak out. Brad admits that he doesn’t handle death well. Shawntel tells him that it is a good and a bad thing, what she does, and he is impressed with her passion for her job. She lets him know that she can pick up embalming work just about anywhere (have job, will travel). Then they go to her parent’s house. They have dinner and her dad tells Brad that Shawntel helps them all loosen up. He tells Brad that he has been preparing Shawntel to take over his business. (I wonder what he has been preparing the twins for…a twins themed photo shoot at the Playboy Mansion, maybe?) Shawntel says in front of everyone that she is falling for Brad and that he lives in Austin and that if things worked out for them that she would move there. You could have cut the awkward tension in the room with one of Shawntel’s scalpels. She and dad excuse themselves for a chat. He tells her that she is in line for the business and puts a guilt trip on her about someone who died while she was away filming and whose family specifically asked for her. He acted like their grief was compounded by the fact that she was not there to drain their loved one. He thinks that if she leaves, she will be leaving the business high and dry. Did they not think about this before she went on the show? And why do they keep referring to the family business by its full name over and over? Was this all a ploy to increase business? Did she come on the Bachelor to find love or to shoot an infomercial? When they join everyone else in the living room, Dad just looks pissed off. He gives Brad his blessing, but I don’t think anyone buys it. When she walks Brad out, she tells him that she loves him and they kiss.

Last is Emily’s house. We see Emily as she is reunited with her daughter, Ricky. They share big hugs and Southern sweetness. She tells Ricky that she has met some new friends and that one of them is coming to meet her. Brad shows up with a gift wrapped in pink wrapping and bow. He is clearly nervous. Ricky is shy and hides behind her mom. When she sees the gift, she takes it and finally open it revealing a butterfly kite (a nod to Brad and EMily’s first one on one date when they flew a kite?). Brad has never dated anyone that has a kid before (which is evidenced by the fact that he picked out a kite). He is trying very hard to bring Ricky out of her shell but as Emily says, “she’s not having it.” After giving her some sugar, they get out the kite and she opens up. Soon they look like a happy little family, except that Brad stands about five feet away from them when they walk down the sidewalk. Emily’s house is amazing. It’s clearly not paid for with the salary from the hospital. I assume that having Rick Hendrick as a grandfather helps little Ricky live in luxury. They play games with Ricky and then tuck her into bed. Brad and Emily then have some alone time with big glasses of water and unidentifiable food on a plate. Emily is dying for him to kiss her, but he doesn’t even try it. Could it be that this whole day was alcohol free and he needs a little liquid courage? He is all weird because her daughter is upstairs asleep and he is scared she may come down at any  moment. Emily explains to Brad that if they got together that she would always be upstairs and that he needed to grow a pair and kiss her. He confesses that he should have kissed her and not been such a pansy. She confesses that she’s disappointed that he didn’t man up. Brad really let us all down here. Emily has a kid; get over it. She also used to date Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and I’m sure Little E didn’t have a problem throwing it into high gear. Come on, Brad, this respect and honor stuff is getting tired. When she walks him out, she does what he can’t seem to do and kisses him. Of course, he reciprocates.

The rose ceremony is in New York City. Brad sits down with Chris Harrison (who has obviously watched the footage from the hometown dates) and they talk. Chris brings up his bromance with Mr. O’Brien, about how at home Brad felt with Ashley’s family, Shawntel’s love for her job and the importance of meeting little Ricky. Chris points out that he seemed most comfortable with Ashley’s family, however she is the only one that hasn’t told him that she loves him. Brad says he is making his decision based on how he feels and not how the girls have indicated that they feel towards him. During the rose ceremony, Chantal looks like a Spanish soap opera star. Shawntel looks like she knows she’s going home. And what’s up with Ashely? Did she not have time to fix her hair? Rose number one goes to Ashley. Rose number two goes to Emily. Rose number three goes to…make sure you pronounce it correctly…Chantal. As she goes to accept her rose, I just want to text her “red satin isn’t slimming, honey,” but I don’t know her number.

Shawntel looks shocked and confused. She and Brad go off to the side so “no one can hear them.” Um, isn’t this on television? So no one can hear you? have you lost your mind? He tells her that he didn’t feel the way a man should feel when a woman says they love them. He assures her that it has nothing to do with her family. In other words, it’s not them; it’s you. Way to let her down easy, Brad. He walks her to the car and they hug. After she leaves, she confesses that she didn’t see this coming and continues to ooze about how great he is and how no one ever treated her so nice before. She says he treated her like a princess. First of all, ABC paid for everything and you flew all over the world and stayed liquored up at all times. Of course, no one has ever treated you like that before. Real people don’t take six girls on a date, hire a helicopter and have “Mr. Seal” sing private concerts for them. Give me a break.

Back in the ceremony area, Brad tells the girls that they are all going to South Africa! The usual squealing takes place and they all raise a glass to the future.  And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.

After the Final Rose: Anticipation

I was thinking today about the soon to be aired After the Final Rose episode of the Bachelor. These are always pretty lame and just seem like a way to drag out the season. I suppose that some good has come from them. Bachelor Bob Guiney met his wife (now ex-wife) Rebecca Budig (the first Skating with the Stars winner) when she hosted the wrap up episode of season two of the Bachelor, “Aaron and Helene Tell All.”  We had Jason dump Melissa and say he really wanted the other chick, Molly, in one episode of After the Final Rose. We got to watch this season’s bachelor, Brad Womack, squirm to try to explain why he didn’t pick anyone back in 2007. But all in all, it’s a stupid show.

However, I’m looking forward to it this year just to see crazy Michelle. You know they will have her tucked away back stage and bring her out to face the women right after showing a montage of her wishing black eyes and killer monkeys on the girls. The question is how will she react? Will she embrace her inner (and often outer) crazy? Will she pull a Camille Grammer and claim it was editing (which is basically pulling a Jessica Rabbit and saying, “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way”)? Will she wear a sequined hug me jacket and will they pad the walls of her back stage waiting room? Will the other girls wear head-gear and bullet proof vests for protection? Will ABC hire the same security used on the Jerry Springer show? How many of the girls will still be sporting the Emily side braid?

There are just so many questions. For once, the After the Final Rose may be more exciting, um, i mean “controversial” than the actual final rose!

Oh, and does it shock anyone that Michelle Money has an IMDb page with multiple acting credits prior to being on the Bachelor including a movie, Midway to Heaven, that was released this month? Which brings me to the next topic. Will ABC ever just have a season of the Bachelor with normal people?  Only time will tell.

P.S.    ARGH!!!!! I realize that everyone wants to be a star, but why did ABC tell us she was a hair stylist? Why not just say she was a hair stylist/aspiring actress? i suppose she was crazy enough that they didn’t need to stir the pot by having the other girls accuse her of being there to further her career.

From the Midway to Heaven website:

Meet the Cast:

“Michelle Money plays Carol in Midway to Heaven. She was born and raised in Holladay, Utah. She has had a passion for the arts since her earliest memories. In her younger years, her creative expression was found in musical composition and poetry but as time went on her artistic mind evolved into something much more. Her career started at the young age of 14 when she landed her first music video for the then superstar boy band, The Backstreet Boys. From then on her career took off. Michelle started booking numerous modeling and commercial work for companies such as McDonalds, Reebok, Franklin Covey, Master Card, Verizon, Union wireless, Jolt Cola, NuSkin, Intel, Morgan Jewelers and many more. After 13 years in the Industry, Michelle began focusing more on her love of acting. She has since booked numerous roles in television and Film such as: The Eleventh Hour, Justin Time, and Blank Slate.”

Episode 7

In case you couldn’t make it to your television because you were camped out at the magazine stand waiting for the latest Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue to go on sale, here is your weekly re-cap of what happened on ABC’s the Bachelor.

Ah, Anguilla, a tropical paradise where anyone could fall in love. Except for two lovely ladies, that is. This episode started with the Anguilla Tourism Board getting their promotional consideration. The girls hopped on a plane and headed over separately from Brad. They showed a little map with the icon of a commercial airliner flying over from Costa Rica to Anguilla. It reminded me of Indian Jones movies, except he wasn’t on a Delta 747. Where the hell did that plane land? Anguilla doesn’t look long enough to have a landing strip for a plane that size. I found myself daydreaming about the plane crashing into the water and the girls having to use their breasts as flotation devices. That’s when Ashley said that Anguilla felt like it was “straight out of Bay Watch.” Right then I knew this would be the “most controversial season ever!”

Someone has never told Chris Harrison that if you roll your clothes before you pack them that they will resist wrinkling. Nor have they taught him how to use an iron. He meets the women and tells them that this week there will be a total of three one on one dates and one group date. The individual dates will not offer a rose, but the group date will. I’m sure he probably said other stuff, but I spent the whole time looking at Michelle’s shirt. Was that Spanish moss on her boobs? What is that? Why would she wear that? It was like a poly-cotton Rorschach test.

Emily got the first one on one date. She starts out with her new signature side braid. Brad picked her up and she was wearing a swim suit with a cute, little, sheer, black cover up. They were having a glass of champagne when the helicopter arrived. She told Brad to “shut up” for the first of many times during this date. Her continuous use of the phrase is just one more reason to like her. Those other chicks that break out with the “oh my good gosh gollys” just get on my nerves. He also says the word ass in front of her. When they are together it feels like he is less censored and more genuine. Anyway, after their Magnum PI tour of the area, they go to their own private island named “Sandy Island.” It’s this island about the size of my kitchen in the middle of crystal blue water. They are dropped off alone (except for the camera people, sound guy, whoever the hell cooks their dinner, the dude that makes the fire, etc.) and have a picnic. Brad is all tense and nervous. Both of them are wet during the conversation so either they went swimming and we didn’t see that part or they are both just very sweaty. Brad tells her that he cares for her more than he should say. The sun goes down and they have a private dinner by a fire on the beach. It looks like they’ve showered and changed clothes, although I’m not sure where they did that on the 10 by 10 square foot island. Brad asks if he would be able to meet Ricky if he went to her home town. She just isn’t sure. She’s very torn over it. Brad says that he knows he isn’t supposed to do this, but he doesn’t care about the rules. He wants her to know that she will be getting a rose this week and that he wants to come to her hometown. I guess she was happy with this because they make out in the surf.

Britt gets super upset when the date card comes for Shawntel. At this point, Britt is the only girl that has not had a one on one date. Shawntel is excited to get the date and confessed that if she were like Britt and hadn’t had a date that she would “go crazy like some of the girls here.” For their date, they start with a bike ride to the farmer’s market. Shawntel acts like at trip to the farmer’s market is her end all, be all idea of the best date ever. But this chick hangs out with dead people, so I suppose we shouldn’t expect too much. Oh, and she is rocking the Emily side braid. They drink something out of some sort of fruit or vegetable (vodka, maybe?) and then we see them jumping rope on the street and playing dominoes. I’m confused. Are they still in Anguilla or did they ride their bikes to Harlem? Anyway, they meet Aunt Jemima on the side of the road and she imparts a precious pearl of wisdom to them, “hold hands and kiss and tell your parents before you get married.” Thank you oh wise one. We shall all take that clever insight to heart. Next we see the couple walking with nice wine glasses into a little area with baby goats (aka next month’s street vendor gyros) where they have a picnic. Shawntel tells Brad that she’s falling in love with him. Brad then confesses that all other girls are now compared to the sliding scale of Emily.

At dinner, Shawntel reiterates that she’s falling for him. Brad talks about his father leaving him when he was four years old and then confesses that this is eye-opening to him. He is surprised that he can talk about personal stuff with Shawntel that he can’t even talk to his brother about. It starts raining (Wait, it’s the wrong Chantal) and they make out. Then they are treated to a concert by Bankie Banx, a reggae singer, known as the “Anguillan Bob Dylan.” Apparently, he’s not into intimate performances like “Mr. Seal” because all these random tourists show up for the concert as well. For the first time I can remember in Bachelor history, we see the couple drinking beer directly from a bottle and then they go for a dip in the ocean. When they strip to their swimsuits, I was momentarily blinded by the sequined top Shawntel had on, but then I clearly focused in on her lower back tattoo. I was magically transported to the SNL skit about lower back tattoo removal and souvenirs from Jamaica.

Britt gets the last one on one date of the episode which prompts Michelle to start her crazy analogies about sinking ships. Brad picks her up on a yacht which makes all the other girls jealous. Michele confesses that it’s a waste of a one on one date and that she doesn’t even think Brad and Britt would be Facebook friends, much less husband and wife. As soon as the two are on the boat, they are in swimwear with drinks in hand. They start the date with some cliff jumping. Britt is terrified “as normal” but has to “do it for the relationship.” After jumping, they swim back to the boat. We are treated to a shot of scurrying crew in black outfits ducking down at the top of the boat. It was like they were being attacked by secret service. I was hoping it was going to turn into a Jason Bourne movie, but instead it was just Brad and Britt sitting on the beach. Brad tries not to yawn while Britt provides voice-over about how she is scared of rejection. Why the hell did she come on this show if she is scared of rejection? Is it like people that sky dive to get over a fear of heights? Brad confesses that they are in an amazing, romantic place but he has no urge to kiss her and hope that they will find a romantic connection over dinner. However, even though Britt is wearing a slip at the dinner table, they continue to talk about the weather. Brad confesses again that she is really sweet but that there is no romantic chemistry. He tells her that it was a nice day, but wants her to know that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for her and doesn’t see a future with her. Of course, she interrupts him about fifty times, so it takes him a million years to get it out. He tells her it’s time to say goodbye. Poor girl went from thinking “no rose; no pressure” to see you later, alligator. Or in this case, see you never, alligator. The girls greet Britt at the door and she tells them that she needs to pack because it’s not there for them. She starts crying, packs her stuff and leaves.

At this point, we are treated to the highlight of the entire night. We get to see an awesome commercial for a cell phone. In the commercial, there is this chick in a tree outside of a guy’s bedroom window. She looks remarkably like Michelle and starts the voice-over with “Brad and I just had the best first date, I think he’s the one” or something to that effect. But dude’s name is Brad. She then talks about using her phone to stalk him on his Flickr account and Four Square check ins, follow him on twitter and send her mom pictures of him. The tag line: Go Crazy on Android. Best played and placed advertisement in the history of man.

At 2:07 a.m., Brad goes to the girls’ house and wakes up Ashley, Chantal and Michelle to leave for the group date. None of them is thrilled with being awakened or being filmed without make-up. The girls find out they are being photographed for the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue. The girls get their hair and make-up done and Chantal starts freaking out in confessional voice-over about feeling fat. At sun up, they all go down to the beach and meet the photographer. They photograph Ashley and she takes her top off and covers he non-existent boobs with shells. Chantal continues the voice-over about feeling like a lard. Sure enough, when she takes her top off with little to no encouragement, she really does look tubby standing there. When she is laying down, she looks fine, but she’s looking pretty preggers in the side shots. Brad declares it all awkward and Michelle claims she is not so easily persuaded [to take her top off]. She also decides she wants Brad in her photos and the two of them set out to recreate the famous beach scene in “From Here to Eternity” while the other girls stand there watching them wondering “what the hell?” Michelle claims her photo was a 15 on the hotness scale of one to ten. Brad realizes quickly that this date is going down hill and admits he went too far by kissing Michelle in front of the other girls.

He spends the afternoon doing damage control with Ashley and Chantal. We discover Chantal also has a back tattoo which consists of some oriental lettering. (Oh, by the way, in case you care, Brad’s tattoo of a cross has the word Prosapia over it. This means family in Latin. Either family means a lot to him, or he’s hoping to hook up with sisters at some point.)  Brad tells Michelle that he thinks they may be too much alike and that he thinks she may be too volatile. She gets defensive, but agrees they are a lot alike. Brad tells Chantal that he’s trying to be respectful and not closed off. He confesses that he knows the girls’ walls are going up and he is fearful that giving a rose will do more harm than good.  After calling it the date from hell, he talks again to Ashley.  She says she doesn’t want to go home from there and is freaking out that he’s going to send her packing like Britt. He excuses himself and she flips out even more. He returns with the rose and she becomes all smiles and rainbows, calls him Babe and runs to hug him. He tells her to trust in what they have. Meanwhile, Chantal and Michelle are beyond pissed off. Chantal starts crying. Brad begs her to talk to him while Ashley whispers sweet nothings in her ear. Michelle and Ashley exit and Chantal tells Brad that if he can’t choose her over two other girls then to just send her home. He tries to encourage her and tells her it is all about timing and reminds her that there are more roses coming that night. They hug it out and she waddles off.

The girls arrive for the cocktail party barefoot. Apparently, none of them have ever heard of hookworms. They settle in with some wine and start to wonder where Brad is. We see Brad chatting with Chris Harrison (thank goodness, he is no longer in that wrinkled shirt). Brad tells Chris that he doesn’t need a rose ceremony because he already knows who he is sending home. Chris tries to reason with him, but Brad’s mind is set. Chris goes and tells the girls to meet him on the beach as there will be no cocktail party that night. Michelle confesses that she needed the time to “pull Brad back in.” Chantal is scared out of her mind and feels like she’s going home. Ashley is wearing pants. Smart girl; she already has a rose, so why waste a good dress.

Brad tells the women that he promised them in the beginning that as soon as he knew for sure one way or another about them, that he would tell them and this is why there was no cocktail party. He says his goodbyes to the unnamed girl before giving out the roses. He also tells them that he is 100% confident in his decision. As Chantal freaks out and Michelle  blinks her eyes in slow motion, the roses are handed out to Emily and then Shawntel. Chantal looks like her head is going to pop off and Michelle is now slow motion blinking with sideways glances. The final rose goes to Chantal. Michelle looks stunned then smiles. She hugs the girls and walks past Brad. He follows her out, darting around her like a puppy, trying to hold her hand and talk to her. She ignores his attempts, says she doesn’t want to talk and gets in the car. Brad confesses that there was a ton of physical attraction with Michelle, but that he knew it would fade and he’d only be left with crazy. As the limo drives away, Michelle lays down in the back seat and blinks herself to sleep.

Brad returns to the beach to toast with the women. They all raise a glass to their families in anticipation of the hometown dates.

And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.

(P.S. The annual Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issue hits news stands Tuesday, February 15th.)

 

http://www.hulu.com/watch/61336/saturday-night-live-turlingtons-lower-back-tattoo-remover

 

 

Episode 6

In case you are still recovering from the Super Bowl and missed last night’s episode of ABC’s the Bachelor, here is your weekly re-cap.

The crew packed up and headed to Costa Rica for this episode. We were treated to standard shots of beautiful ocean water and lush greenery while Brad talked about how fantastic the place was and fulfilled their contractual obligations for their discounted or free lodging. The tourism board got their money’s worth in this episode as they continued to showcase their product when the girls arrived and rode in on a bus while filming the countryside with home movie quality film. Emily started talking about a rain forest, but all I could hear was Kathleen Turner asking, “Is this the bus to Cartagena?” as they looped around the winding roads passing cows and peasant people. Then they see this amazing volcano and all I can think about is when Ally left that freak that wanted to “guard her heart” at the top of the volcano. How cool would it be if they just tossed Michelle right into a volcano? Just thinking about it makes me feel awesome. The airlines must have lost Brad’s suitcase that contained his thesaurus, as the only adjective he used in the entire opening voice-over was “really” as in, I’m really excited to be here, it’s really beautiful, I’m really emotionally invested, it’s really a lot harder this go around, etc.

The first date card reveals that Chantal will have the first one on one date. Three guesses who starts totally flipping out. That’s right; Michelle. She is flipping out not only in her confessional footage, but is clearly disturbed in the footage with the other girls. She is no longer thinking about giving the other girls black eyes, however. Now she is planning for Chantal to be attacked by wild monkeys or better yet, apes. Mauled by a bunch of apes…is that foreshadowing that Chantal will be the next Bachelorette?

Chantal leaves with Brad looking pretty chunky in layered tank tops and what can only  be described as period pants. They leave in a helicopter and head to the longest zip line in the world. It immediately starts raining which spurs voice-over rain analogies from Chantal and Brad over-analyzes why the hell it rains every time he is with Chantal? She goes first and then he follows down the zip line. Then they go together. Then they go again separately. Then they go together. How are they getting back up the mountain each time? Certainly they aren’t walking. I hope she has one of those pads with wings. Then they start making out because Brad is so happy that Chantal made it through the day without crying. Wait! What is that in the tree? Look out! It’s a monkey! Michelle’s evil minion come to wreck the date. Dammit, it was just a regular indigenous monkey. I was sort of hoping for an attack of the killer monkey moment. For the second part of the date, they arrive at a picnic set up next to the water. Of course as soon as they sit down, it starts to pour down rain again. They run to Brad’s conveniently nearby room where Chantal slips into one of Brad’s white, button down, super starched, dress shirts. Brad is clearly aroused and has to excuse himself to um…change clothes. They talk and then make out and she tells him she’s crazy about him. Brad gives her a rose and then she confesses to us that she “fell in love today.”

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Michelle is thrilled with they “crazy rain” (she should know) and hopes that it ruins Chantal’s date. The group date card arrives. So far, Britt and Alli are the only remaining girls who have not yet had a one on one date. After the card is read, we find out that poor Britt still will have that status. Michelle tells Emily that she doesn’t like Chantal because she finds her to be “over-confident, aggressive and egotistical.” Although poor Emily just looks at her, you can see by her face that she is doing a mental inventory of nearby sharp objects and charting out an escape route. Back in confessional Michelle admits that she hates group dates. She also hates rain. And she really hates that Chantal came home in Brad’s shirt.

Group date time! The girls put on a harness and helmet and head to a cliff where they learn they will repel down a waterfall. Jackie starts hyperventilating and Michelle throws the crazy switch up to the red zone. She is super pissed because Brad vowed to her (he actually pinky swore) after they repelled down a building that he would never repel down anything with anyone other than her ever again. Now I don’t care enough to go look this up, but I think he actually swore he wouldn’t repel down a building. But I’ll go with it and say he swore not to repel down anything. One by one the girls go down, even the terrified Jackie. Finally it is just Brad and Michelle at the top. She’s super annoyed that Brad is being nice to the other girls. She starts hitting him and calls him an asshole until Brad clues in and tells her that they are going to repel down together and that was the plan all along because he would never break a super special pinky swear. Michelle eats it up, puts her crazy back in her pocket and they go over the edge. The second part of the date takes place at a natural hot spring. Michelle watches Brad as he takes off his shirt and appears to have a mini-orgasm. In confessional, she tells us what she wants to do to Brad, but her mouth has to be blurred and they beep it, so I guess we will only have to guess. She also confesses that the other girls are on her nerves and that they just need to go home.

Emily tells Brad that she really likes him but that she has a habit of sabotaging things with guys. She doesn’t want to do that with Brad and he says he won’t let her. Then they make out. Back at the house, there is a beetle in the foyer. Alli flips her lid because she doesn’t like bugs that crunch. She is screaming so loudly that Brad and Michelle can hear her all the way down in the hot spring. Michelle begins her usual crazy talk about sexy dates with Chantal. Brad tells her that she has to trust him and that he is getting tired of her getting pissed all the time. Brad is so irritated that he doesn’t give out a rose on this date. Michelle tells the camera that if Brad can’t make a decision, then she’ll have to take matters into her own hands. If this show was aired live, the phone lines at ABC would be lit up as family members of Brad Womack called in asking for extra security.

For the one on one date with Alli, Brad picks her up on horse back. Only her horse isn’t a full size horse, it’s like a pack mule baby horse. and there are two little midget horses following them. I’m so confused by this. It’s like a LSD dream. Why the hell were two baby horses following them around on their little petite horses? Anyway, they put on helmets and packs and go into a 40 million year old cave with a water and rock floor. Right about the time Brad tells Alli that she’s doing great, she sees a spider. It’s one of those big ass spiders like people used to have to eat on Fear Factor, or the one that the professor of dark magic did the unspeakable spell on in one of the Harry Potter movies. It was definitely in the crunchy category. Then she sees not just one bat, but a gang of bats. As much a I thought she was actually going to throw up on him (that would have been so cool) she makes it through because Brad is there to protect her. They make it to the natural stairs called by locals “the altar.” Brad says, “Oh my god.” Alli says, “Oh my god.” Brad says, “This is awesome.” Alli says, “This is awesome.” Then they toast with something that looks like that V8 fruit blend crap. I think I’d rather eat the spider. For the second half of the date, they dine by this steaming pool. Alli can’t seem to figure out how to eat her chicken. When she asks what it is and Brad says, “it’s chicken” I swear they had to edit out “you dumb ass” right after that because clearly that is what he was thinking. Brad is irritated that they are making small talk instead of having a real conversation. Alli never makes eye contact with him when she talks. Then she describes her last boyfriend. She says that he was great and would be wonderful for someone, but that he just wasn’t the one for her. Brad thinks funny you should say that and tells her that is how he feels about her and that he can’t give her a rose. She takes it well and he walks her out.

Back at the house, Michelle is psycho copying the odd braid that Emily had in her hair earlier in the day. The girls all vote that Alli will not be coming back and soon her bag is wheeled off; confirming their vote. Brad confesses that he’s emotionally spent and needs some down time. But there’s no rest for the weary, as Michelle shows up at his door. Brad is “stunned” or so he tells her at least four times. You can tell he’s a bit freaked out. She starts kissing him and tells him it was good to send Alli home. The she tells him it bothers her that he kept Chantal. She tells him that she’s pissed that she didn’t get a rose on the group date. Then she tells him that the order he should send everyone home will be as follows: Britt, Jackie, Chantal, Shawntel, Emily and Ashley.  But she wants him to figure this out on his own. This time with Brad made Michelle feel confident, but has left Brad feeling a bit out of sorts.

Cocktail party! Brad says that he’s had a rough day, but that he is in the perfect mindset to make decisions. Emily tells him that she feels like an idiot for saying stuff to him about sabotaging things in the past and addresses all of Brad’s concerns without him even having to bring them up. Brad tells Michelle that she’s scaring him. He feels like they are going backward. Michelle says she only told Brad things because he asked her to. She starts crying because she knows she is supposed to be there. She then confesses to the camera that “I want to be married and have more children. I want someone LIKE Brad.” Then Michelle questions if she is crazy. (At this point, I actually screamed at the television. “YES! Can you hear me, Michelle? The answer is YES!”) The girls ask Michelle point-blank if she said something to Brad and she finally admits that she went to Brad’s room. As you can imagine, the other girls are not thrilled with this. Shawntel tells Brad that her feelings have grown and that she is in love with him. Brad asks her why she thinks that and she tells him that it is because this journey is no more about her; it has become about him. He is so thrilled that she told him because she already has a rose and he knows she had nothing to gain by telling him this. Um, am I the only one that remembers that there is another rose ceremony next week? Of course she has something to gain. Good golly, do these people not think ahead?

Rose Ceremony! Five roses are given out as Shawntel does this weird pucker thing with her mouth. Michelle’s face ranges from incredibly nervous to pure sour looking. The roses go to Ashely, Emily, Britt (oh, you should have seen Michelle’s face – he’s not going according to her plan!!!), Shawntel and the final rose goes to…..Michelle. (Chantal looks like she’s going to cry when he give a rose to Michelle. It’s wonderful.) Jackie hugs everyone and Brad walks her to the car. He tells her how great she is and they hug it out. In the car, she says she wasn’t expecting it and that she was in love. She tries to cry, but doesn’t really and then she blames everything on herself.

The remaining girls and Brad toast and he tells them that they are all going to Anguilla! Yay! Wait. Where? Even Brad has to tell the girls they are going to one of the best places in the Caribbean, Anguilla. In case you don’t want to look it up, I looked it up for you. It is one of the Lesser Antilles. It’s just to the east of the Virgin Islands. The exchange rate is fixed to the US dollar at US$1 = EC$2.68 and everyone speaks English. I’m willing to bet that the Bachelor gets plenty of bang for his buck (pun intended).

And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.