Monthly Archives: July 1990

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

Tonight Chris Harrison welcomed us to The Men Tell All and promised to answer the burning questions that have been plaguing all of America. First, He sat down with Ashley in a prerecorded interview to review items such as drunken Tim, Jeff the mask, William the fallen, Ryan the unreal, and Bentley the player. Then they recapped some of the behind the scenes items that didn’t make it to the show including JP breaking the entertainment center, Ames ballroom dancing, Mickey hanging from a harness, canine urination, sampling local food, rice filled bamboo, toe cramps, creatively placed bananas, and Vaseline.

Back in the studio, the audience of middle-aged women and a few guys that were forced to be there squeal with delight as Chris Harrison previews the next season of the Bachelor Pad complete with tears and fights and back-stabbing. Highlighted are guests Michelle Money, Jake and Vienna, Ames, Guard and Protect Your Heart Boy, and a whole lot of Karma.

Next all of the guys who were dumped are welcomed to the stage to give their thoughts on this season. Most of the guys are in suits. Ames is surprisingly dressed down – he’s even wearing jeans! Perhaps he’s turning over a new leaf. They make fun of Tim for getting drunk and review Jeff’s mask. They discuss Ryan being a goober and William being too aggressive. All of the guys gang up on William for being a jerk and the audience seems to agree.  Nick stands up for Ryan and his “camp counselor” personality. Then Nick stands up for Jeff’s mask. Tim owns up to being a jerk for attacking Jeff, but says the mask is still creepy.

William joins Chris Harrison in the hot seat to review his Vegas date with Ashley. Then they make things awkward by replaying William’s terrible performance at the roast, and ultimately his dismissal from the show. You can hear a pin drop after the clip plays. William admits that he has only watched one episode of the show and that it is embarrassing to see how he acted on the show. He admits that he was an ass and vows to change the way he acts. When Nick tried to call him out and asks “Why are we all here?” William responds with “Because none of us can get a date,” and Chris Harrison compliments him and tells him that is how you shut someone down without being an ass.

Next in the hot seat is Ryan. We see a video review of Ryan’s time on the show from getting the first impression rose to his dissertation on water heaters. We get to see Ashley dump him not once, but twice. All the while, Ryan sweats and huffs and puffs in a live shot on the bottom corner of the screen. Ryan outlines the books he read before the show and the effort he had made to really connect with Ashley.

Ames joins Chris Harrison in the hot seat with his “awkward charm.” The audience goes crazy as he sits there looking goofy with his Twilight hair and world’s largest watch. As they roll clips of Ashley’s time with Ames, we are treated to Ames in the bottom corner with his mouth agape as if he’s catching flies. He tells Chris that his time on the show made him a better person and that he wished Ashley all the happiness. Chris Harrison presents Ames with a gift – the pink boxing gloves he used (or didn’t use) on the show.

To a chorus of boos, they roll the footage of Bentley’s time on the show. He goes on and on about how he’s not interested in Ashley and about how it’s just fun and games. Then he talks about how dumb all of the other guys are. Although Bentley was not there – as he declined the invitation – they discussed him anyway. The guys agree that he is a coward and an ass. None of the guys blame Ashley for falling for Bentley. Michelle Money was brought up to the hot seat since she had warned Ashley about Bentley before the show started. Michelle explains how she knows Bentley’s ex-wife and how she warned Ashley. She defended Ashley by saying that Bentley is a charmer and that women tend to fall for the bad boy. Bachelor, Chris, says that Bentley can “Go BLEEP yourself!” and the audience cheers!

Finally, with minutes left, Ashley joins Chris Harrison. She said the worst part of the process was feeling like a fool over the Bentley situation. She fights back tears as she talks about the time she wasted on Bentley. She asks the guys to forgive her for the mistake she made with Bentley. Blake tries to be nice about the situation, but doesn’t do a very good job of it. Ryan tells her that he gets it now and is thankful for the experience. Tim apologizes to Ashley for the mistakes he made the first night and slips in that he’s cheering for JP.

Previous contestants and winners (?) Deanna, Jason and Ally milk their fifteen minutes of fame a little longer and help promote that ABC concept of the “Bachelor Family” by joining Ashley and Chris on stage. Ally says this season was hard for her to watch. Deanna talks about how hard it is to send people home. Jason tells Ashley to forget about the audience criticism and to focus on what’s inside. Then we are treated to outtakes and bloopers from the show that never made it to television including wet spots, belching, bugs, frogs, Ames impersonations, and men without pants. And finally, the last ten minutes is filled with footage of Ben and JP and the big question: Who will Ashley choose, the man or the boy? I think we all know who I’m pulling for.


Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Three

In tonight’s episode of Sweet Home Alabama, Miss Tennessee Outstanding Teen 2007, um…I mean Tuscaloosa, Alabama, resident, Devin Grissom, continues her quest for love with the remaining country boys and city slickers. Without the fanfare of date cards and hosts to explain what will happen next, She jumps right into the dating with a one-on-one date with one of the country boys.

Her first date is with Collin at a bar in downtown Fairhope. He wears a cowboy hat and runs his mouth about one of the city boys, Flex. Next he talks about his landscape company and Devin is impressed with his business. Unlike most southerners, he talks a mile a minute. I wish they would have put subtitles on the screen because he talked a little bit like Boomhauer from King of the Hill. Devin found him to be wise and Collin felt like his relationship with Devin was “more than real.” He asks her to dance and their tonsils do the tango under a lit up gazebo under the stars. He gets back to the house and unlike Adam, he disregards chivalry and blurts out to the guys that he and Devin kissed.

Next Devin and all of the guys head to a cattle farm. Pete from Brooklyn apparently left his meds back in New York and starts having a panic attack about two minutes in. They divide into teams of country boys and city boys and they separate the heifers from the rest of the cows. Jersey grabbed his testicles the whole time he was in with the cows. Jason admitted the closest he had been to a cattle farm was a steak house.  Then Cody pulls out a rope and shows everyone how to lasso. Now I’m from Alabama and I do have three friends that own three different cattle farms. Although I have been invited out to help castrate bulls, I’ve never been invited out to herd steer. But I suppose roping cows is more conducive to a romantic time and that leaves plenty of room for the guys to sit around and  verbally emasculate each other.

Cody gets some alone time with Devin as a reward for roping the cow. Devin finds out that he is deaf in one ear from getting kicked in the ear. They talk about his lifestyle as a rodeo man and discuss his fear of the dark. As they are sitting out on a blanket for a picnic, they talk about relationships and love. Devin feels like the most special girl in the world with Cody, especially when he tells her, “I’m not a smart man, Jenny, but I know what love is.” No, wait, that was Forest Gump. What he really said was, “I don’t have a lot to offer, but what little I got, I’ll give you all of it.”

All of the guys hate Flex and decide that they need to knock him down a notch before his date. What they really do is all get into a yelling match. The next day, Flex and Jersey have a double date with Devin at the beach. They go to shuck oysters at the Flora-Bama lounge. Devin explains that since they are “kinda near” the  Florida line, that it is named the Flora-Bama. (Dear CMT, if you ever choose to have another season of this show, please get a girl who’s actually from Alabama and/or has at least seen a map. Thanks.) While on the beach, Flex tells Devin that she’s the first white girl he’s been out with. He also says the fact that he’s so much older (he’s 30) doesn’t bother him. Then he tells Devin that he cheated on most of his old girlfriends…and she finds him to be really honest. Ugh. He shows her this pencil drawing that he drew of her that makes her look like a ring girl at a boxing match and then they make out in the ocean. After the make-out session, she sits down with Jersey on the beach and he gives her half of an oyster shell as a souvenir. Um, Jersey, if you’re going to give a girl part of an oyster, give her a pearl. Devin gives him a one-armed hug – bad sign – and she turns him down for a kiss. Jersey tearfully confesses to the camera that Flex is not good for Devin and he doesn’t want her to get hurt by him.

When the date was over, Flex told the guys that he and Devin kissed in the ocean. Collin, thinking that he was the only guy to kiss Devin – since Adam didn’t tell anyone he had kissed her, too – storms out of the house. He confesses that he is on the verge of breaking down. I tell you what, Devin must have crack in her saliva because I have never seen a bunch of good ol’ boys get so smitten so fast. I wonder if the producers are slipping something in their drinks or something?

Devin arrives for the cocktail party and elimination and lets them know that four of them will be going home tonight. Pete, Michael (jack-weed from New York) and one other (who must not be a favorite or I would have at least caught his name) are pulled away to talk to Devin. She lets them know that they are leaving in the morning to go with her to New York City (apparently Sweet Home Alabama isn’t sweet enough). Then Mohawk Cody, Britton and Joey are pulled aside to talk to Devin as well. But instead of going to New York with her, they are getting a one way ticket to back to where they came from. Devin then uses Taylor Swift lyrics to break up with Jersey during some one-on-one time on the front porch. Apparently it’s not a love story and she isn’t going to say yes. The most beautiful part of it is the huge melt down afterward in which Jersey yells about all of the Euros he could be making in Europe and how he’s gotten used and abused. I mean, “I gave her half an oyster shell! I let her wear my dog tags! I gave her a pair of sunglasses!” I know, I know, I’m shocked that didn’t make her fall in love, either.

The Bachelorette: Episode Nine

Ashley arrives in the tropical paradise of Fiji, a place that she claims “the sun is always shining” even though it rains about five times while she is there. After she recaps her journey with the three remaining suitors, she primps for her date with Ben. He should be there any moment. There’s a knock at the door. But wait! It’s not Ben. What is going on? That’s right, another guy has flown half-way around the world for a mini-vacation, I mean, a second chance with Ashley. Ashley is shocked to find cry-baby, Ryan, standing at the door in a short-sleeved tablecloth. “Ry” recaps their Taiwan experience and tells Ashley that he thinks they didn’t have enough time together and asks her for a second chance. He tells her that he’ll be hanging out for a few days and for her to think about maybe them hanging out. They hug it out and she goes back to primping for Ben. (Oh, by the way, it’s raining.)

Ashley goes to meet Ben in an Amish length skirt and a bikini top. They hop on their giant boat and talk about how he thinks the hometown date went. Ben rubs lotion on Ashley and they kiss and exchange those three little words that make their world go around, “I know, right?” They do a little snorkeling before they head off to a romantic dinner. Nothing says fantasy date like picking your teeth at the dinner table. After exchanging pledges of comfort to one another, Ashley picks some fruit from between her teeth with her fingernail and then sits patiently through Ben stammering and yammering; trying to say “I love you” but not ever actually saying it. One smirk led to another and the couple headed off to the fantasy suite. They enjoyed some making out in the private pool and then Tarzan carried Jane around for no real reason at all.

Next up is Constantine. They flew around Fiji in a helicopter and oohed and ahhed about the scenery. Meanwhile, Ryan hung out on the beach below and bitched about being forced to hang out in Fiji while waiting to hear from Ashley. Back on the ground, Ashley and Constantine jump into a waterfall while Ashley provides voice over of jumping, falling and taking a leap analogies. Ashley tells him that she’s a little freaked out that he looked at 108 houses before he finally bought one. Hell, I’m a little freaked out that he looked at 108 houses before he bought one. I bet his real estate agent was pretty pissed off about it, too. Later at dinner, they toasted each other (not with wine from Ben’s winery) and Constantine basically says that he would be happy for Ben if he ended up with Ashley. (Does this mean he can’t tell himself apart from Ben any better than I can? Does he think they are the same person?) He tells Ashley that he is concerned that he is not really feeling it for her. He even tells her that he’s not interested in the fantasy suite before she even offers him Chris Harrison’s note. Constantine tells her that it’s the end of the road for him and excuses himself from Fiji. Man, he didn’t even eat his steak. I would have damn sure eaten that steak before I high-tailed it out of there.

Ashley has a great moment of clarity after Constantine leaves and she heads over to see Ryan. When she arrives, he starts grinning and beaming and suddenly I realize he looks like Robin Williams in that Peter Pan movie – until she tells him that she isn’t giving him a second chance. But then he remembers the lessons he learned at the Ames School of Perma-grin and pulls it together. He calls her “Ash” and she calls him “Ry” and then she leaves as he chants “It will happen” and looks for another bush to hide behind and cry.

Ashley meets up with JP for their one-on-one date. They take off in a sea plane for their romantic date and spend most of the time in the air kissing and grinning until they arrive at their destination. He is her rock; they’re on an island. Wait, isn’t that a Simon and Garfunkel song? They hold each other in the surf of their private island and she tells him that she loves his parents and he says that they love her. JP confesses to everyone but Ashley that he’s in love with her and that he wants to be the last man standing. After some water snuggling, they head to dinner. Dinner is held in “the middle of the jungle” and Ashley rocks the moment in her stilettos, because that’s practical. She tells JP about Ryan coming back and leaving again and about Constantine leaving. Once they get to the fantasy suite, Ashley changes into her swim suit so they can lay on the bed and make out. Wait, huh?

Finally, the overnight dates are over. Ashley sits down with Chris Harrison to summarize what we all just watched and Ashley makes a big deal about how the men have to actually accept the rose (just like every other time) and Chris Harrison points out how it is pouring down rain. What was that Ashley said about the sun always shining in Fiji? In the most anti-climactic rose ceremony ever, both Ben and JP get a rose. And yes, they accept it.

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Two

I can’t believe I’m watching this show just so I can blog about it, but I figure if Jennifer Lopez can put up with Marc Anthony for a full seven years, I can sit through one hour of mediocre television.

Tonight the South got even hotter as the guys got ready for actual dates with Devin. The episode starts with guys working out, grilling out and showing out.

One city guy was totally offended that the Horse Whisperer was wearing jeans for his date with Devin, but he stuck to his Southern roots and wore the denim. Of course he tames a wild horse in 45 seconds at the beginning of his date.He told Devin she could “pet on the horse,” but all I heard was Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird say, “You can pet him if you want to, Mr. Aurthur.”

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jersey boy highjacks the country boys’ barbeque and it does not go over well. Now I’ll admit, I think most of the city slickers in this show are real jack-weeds, but I’m from Bama and I’ll tell you straight up; if I marinate meat, light a grill and then someone else wants to stand over the heat and flip it all for me, I’d let them knock themselves out while I drank a beer and watched the ballgame. I think a country boy can survive someone else flipping his chicken. Elsewhere in the house, New York was folding paper towels into fancy napkins and setting the table for all the guys – he only wishes Devin could see what a pretty table he set.

Back on the date, Devin and the Horse Whisperer sat on the dock of the bay  and made out and then giggled. After the smooching, he went back to the house for some leftover Jersey chicken.

For a group date, Devin took the guys tubing on the river. Rodeo Cody jumped in the water and broke his nose. Since he was bleeding all over the place, Devin gave him a little alone conversation before she took off her cover-up and jumped in the water, because all good Southern girls know that if you jump in the water straight away and get your hair wet that you will look better than if you wait for it to get half wet and all wind blown while you’re in the boat. After some tubing and boating, Devin selects Joey from Arizona to go on the first city date.

When in Rome, Joey decided to dress the part and wore jeans for his date to the sweet shop, followed by some porch sitting. After talking about how sweaty they were, Joey used the words “fist pump” and “douche bag” and then went back to the house. All the other city guys asked him about his date, hoping that he represented the city well. But he said that he really wasn’t like the other city guys and within an hour he was wearing a cowboy hat and bonding with the Southern Gents (See, I told you the South would rise again) and had completely alienated all of his city brothers.

Devin goes and sits in the back of her old pick-up truck to think about who she needs to talk to before making her eliminations. First to go talk to Devin is the city guy that wears a headband. She tells him that she only has friend feelings for him and he heads back to the house to pack his bags and go back to his boy band, I mean Long Island. Next up is the quarterback, Tribble, from the country. Devin is nervous that he may be too hot for her, but he lets her know that he could date down a little and she keeps him around. Country singer, Mike, grabs his guitar and gets a handshake from all his country brothers, including his new city brother from Arizona. He sings Devin an original song that he just wrote thinking that she, like most women, digs guys who play guitar. But she dumps him anyway.

If your keeping score, that’s one more city boy and one more country boy out the door, which means that the country boys are still in the lead. But as country singer Mike and Scarlet O’Hara said, “Tomorrow is another day.”

The Bachelorette: Episode Eight

Back in the USA: Ashley summarizes why each of the guys is right for her while we watch a montage of unrealistic dates and making out.

Hometown Date One: Georgia with Constantine

They go to the family restaurant where Ashley gets a chance to learn about Constantine’s Greek heritage while they make Italian food – without a hair net – while the Asian cooks watch. All the servers watch out the window and commentate while the couple eats their lunch. They leave the restaurant and go to his parent’s house. Ashley brings along a bottle of wine (from Ben’s winery, maybe?) and there are hugs all around. They sit down to another meal and then split up for chit-chat. I think his dad said that Ashley is a worm person, but I could have just misunderstood his accent.  They all had a sit down on the couch, but the dog walked in wearing a little dress and I got too distracted to listen to what they were saying. Next the whole family showed up and reenacted the engagement party scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Hometown Date Two: Ames Buys a Pair of Jeans

They go straight to meet the family and enjoy mojitos on the patio. Ashley is questioned by Ames’ sister and is unable to give her any indication that she has any feeling for Ames, but pledges her dedication to get to know him more. Sis figures out that Ashley realizes that Ames is great on paper, but that there is no spark there. During Ashley’s conversation with Ames’ mother, Mom uses a lot of hand gestures that mirror the claws of the fighting chicken statue on the table. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that they have a fighting chicken statue, or that it looks like Ames’ mom. The sister pulls Ames aside and tells him that he’s not turning Ashley’s crank and that if he really likes her that he needs to turn up the volume and turn it up quickly. In order to turn up the heat, Ames takes Ashley for a picnic under a magnolia tree at Winterthur. (By the way, if you’re not familiar with Winterthur, check out their website. They have a great catalog from which you can order unique gifts. I’ve been ordering things from them for years and they are great.) Oh, wait, they’re kissing. If Ames would stop talking about how ordinary, yet extraordinary their date is, it would probably be a lot more romantic.

Hometown Date Three: Ben There, Done That

If you saw Andrew Firestone’s season of the Bachelor, then you’ve already seen this date, but I’ll sum it up for you anyway. Ben takes Ashley to the winery and they have a picnic. They sample some wines and grab some smooches and then have some heavy conversation about death and emotions. About three minutes in, I was ready to slit my wrists and lay in a warm tub. Good gosh, alcohol is supposed to loosen you up – not turn everything all somber. She meets the sister and mother and they sit down for dinner.  After dinner they have one-on-one conversations, but they were all so boring that there’s really nothing to share.  The highlight of this date was Ben’s tearful confessional footage with his post-kissing, super hot pink lips.

Hometown Date Four: Couple’s Skate with JP

They start making out before they even get their skates on. JP has arranged for the lights to be down low with the disco ball turning and REO Speedwagon over the sound system. They are burning up the rink right up until JP busts his ass. After a few laps around the rink, they have an impromptu picnic in the skating rink. JP outlines everyone that Ashley will be meeting. Did he say his mother’s name is Alien? He lays it all out on the line and tells Ashley how he feels. They go to meet the family. Unfortunately, his mom’s name is Ilene and not Alien. JP’s family is the most normal of the eligible men. JP tells his mom that he thinks he’s the one for Ashley and that he’s confident in them having something that Ashley doesn’t have with the other guys. Mom and Ashley bond and it’s pretty obvious that JP has got this thing in the bag.

The Rose Ceremony:

Ashley returns to the mansion and has a talk with Chris Harrison. She sums up all of the hometown dates for Chris and tells him she has no regrets. And now for the roses. There is a shot of Ben struggling to look Ashley in the face while she is talking because her black dress is a little bit sheer, and in the lights of the cameras is probably a lot bit sheer. Of course JP gets a rose, because, well, he’s JP. The other two roses went to the Groban Brothers (Ben and Constantine) partly because Ashley couldn’t tell them apart and partly because Ames is sort of a dufus. He rocks his Twilight hair and grins through their goodbye, but I bet five bucks he cries like a baby as soon as they turn off the camera.

Next week is overnight dates in Fiji. Don’t worry Ames, I’m sure you’ve already been there on some sort of research vacation…and I bet you didn’t have to share that trip with two other guys.

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode One

Tonight was the premier of CMT’s answer to the Bachelor, Sweet Home Alabama, in which a Southern Belle, Devin, (actually from Tennessee – even though when she’s talking to a guy from Franklin, TN – just a stone’s throw from her real home town of Cleveland, TN – she says that’s she’s from Tuscaloosa, Alabama) who attends the University of Alabama (Roll Tide!) is courted by ten Biffs and Blaines from the “City” and ten Jethros and Bubbas from the “Country.” There are several boys from Birmingham – one named Tribble Reese, man, what a great name – and then a handful of boys from New York, Los Angeles and Las Vegas.

Going into it, one would expect the city slickers to be somewhat jerky, and we all know there’s nothing like a gold ole country boy; and from the first four minutes, it appeared this show would be one stereotype after another.

With the southern boys, we have an Iraq veteran, a tobacco farmer (also a vet), a boy named Kash with a Sugar Bowl ring, Jefferson Davis the Third – Tripp, of course, Tribble – a self professed ACC football veteran, and other tall drinks of water that drawl out their pledge to stick together against the Yankees and drink beer from a can.

In the city league we have a personal trainer, Snookie’s ex-boyfriend, a boy scared of bugs, a big-headed stock broker, another personal trainer, and a Ferrari owner. Within minutes they were passing out business cards, talking about how they’re going to buy Devin a bunch of stuff and making fun of the South. Um, you guys better back up the truck, cause you carpetbaggers are going down. Hell, one City Slicker (Brian Wilson) left before he even met Devin because it was “too hot.”

Devin arrives in a old pick-up truck (cliché much?) and introduces herself to the guys. Of course one of the guys (city) sings to her (gag).

There was a group activity of skeet shooting in which the most horrific, terrible statement was made by our “Bama” Belle, Devin: “If you went surfing out here, you’d get eatin’ by a crocodile.” Um, no you wouldn’t.

What? Marine Corps Beau* (country) decided to leave after meeting the chick to go back to Birmingham to work on his PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Well, he didn’t say that, but trust me on this one. Man, the guys are dropping like flies.

Before it even gets started, Devin eliminates two of the guys to join the other two wimps that already left. First to go was Matt from San Diego. Maybe she was worried he would try to surf and get eatin’ by a crocodile, poor fella. Next she tells Adam from Tennessee that girls don’t ask guys out, but if he’d ask her out that she’d say yes. Of course, he asks her out and she says yes. She tells Jeff from Jersey (who says Jersey Whores at least three times in this episode) that she’s concerned he may party too much, but he convinces her that he doesn’t. Then she tells Mark from Hollywood that she thinks it’s time for him to go because she’s not a party girl and he has a typical Hollywood lifestyle. He begs her to stay like I’ve never heard, bless his heart, but she says her mind is made up. Then he starts hugging everybody and crying. Good golly, this is turning into a country song.

This episode was a little like watered down sweet tea, but I suppose I’ll give it another shot next week since the “scenery” is very nice. In case you’re counting, the country boys are in the lead. That’s right, save your confederate money boys, ’cause the South shall rise again!

* To Marine Beau, Tobacco Farmer Cody, and all the other brave men and women who have proudly served our country, I sincerely thank you. Also, PTSD is a serious condition that unfortunately many of our soldiers suffer from without ever knowing that they have it or that there is help. If you want to say thank you, please get involved with the Wounded Warrior project or at the very least, remember to say “thank you” when you see a soldier in the grocery, airport, sidewalk, wherever – whether you believe in the cause or not.

The Bachelorette: Episode Seven

Taiwan: where it seems everything is made. In tonight’s episode, I wondered if they made backless shirts and jeggings in Taiwan, because Ashley kicked up her donning of both items to a new high.

Groban I and Groban II got the first two one-on-one dates tonight. Ashley and Constantine boarded the train to Hogwarts where they wrote magical wishes on hot air balloons and let them go into the sky. I don’t think they were really at Hogwarts, but there was a train and balloons. I got so distracted by the perfectly tailored short-sleeved cowboy looking shirt that Constantine wore that I have no idea what else happened on the date. But it would be hard to tell where one date ended and the other started with the Groban boys. Groban II embraced his excitement about the upcoming Tom Hanks film, Larry Crowne, and hopped on his scooter and declared that he and Ashley were “Going places.” I’m not sure where they went, but before I knew it, it was dark outside and they were drinking wine. Ashley proved once again that she knows nothing about wine when she declared for the second time on a date with Ben, “This wine tastes like the wine you brought me the first night!” Um, yeah, Ashley, all white wine does not taste like the wine Ben brought you. For some reason, Ben doesn’t come home that night. I assume he stayed up all night trying to explain bouquet and undertones to Ashley.

The group date appeared to be as much fun as a root canal. (Ironic, considering Ashley is a “dentist.”) JP, or as I like to call him, the winner, was super pissed off that his future wife was going out with other guys and going on a group date with two of them was not high on his list. If the William Wedding Weirdness in Vegas wasn’t enough for you, then you surely ate up the group date. The guys dressed in different styles of wedding wear and had their photos taken with Ashley. As painful as it was to watch, it was totally worth it to hear JP describe Ames as the “offspring of an ostrich and Elton John.” Ames also brought a bunch of childhood photos to use in his campaign for a home town date. In the most shocking event of the season, Ames discarded his traditional white pants for a pair of red pants. Clearly, he is a rebel. JP gets the rose and then he perks up.

Ryan got the last one-on-one date. They went to this temple where they made wishes on these rocks and threw them to the god of matchmakers – or something stupid like that. Then they threw the rocks and they landed in a way that indicated their wishes would not come true. Ryan gave Ashley an eco-green lesson about tankless water heaters and bored Ashley to the point that she can’t stand him another minute and tells him she doesn’t want to meet his parents. He cries like a baby in his pink shirt and runs into the bushes to cuss and have some alone time. Or maybe he was hugging a tree. Who knows?

Lucas is super excited about the cocktail party because he feels like he’s on the fence and needs time with Ashley.  Too bad, so sad, Lucas – there will be no cocktail party tonight. It looks like the boys back in Odessa won’t be reliving the feeling of victory like they did back in 1988 as chronicled in the book Friday Night Lights. Nope, it looks like this boy from Odessa is going home a loser.