Category Archives: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Ah, dating… or in my case, lack of dating.

Building a Wall

For a moment they forgot their task. They were swept away in the possibilities of daydreams; forgetting their reality and running hand in hand toward infinite potential. Their eyes danced to a symphony played on the strings of the heart. Their laughter rose into the night and reverberated among the angels. Their fingers shook off their usual chill and warmed themselves in the grasp of each other’s hand. They took turns, leading and following, in a game of coy smiles and glances. They exchanged a kiss, just long enough to be savored but not so long as to satiate. As their heads lay softly on their pillows, a similar smile was fixed on each of their faces. And as their eyelashes rested on their cheeks, their thoughts slipped into slumber and then into dreams, allowing their flirtation to continue to play in the landscape of their imagination. But just as day always greets the night, the sun broke through from behind the curtains and these sweet fantasies were shaken off with the fluttering of awakening lashes. In the bright morning light, hope faded and realism took hold. So each rose and gathered their tools and went back to the task of building their wall.

From a Distance

I watch from a distance, but I can’t go back
I offer questions, but the answers are not mine to take
You were not mine, even when you were mine
Now you belong to whomever
Just beyond my reach; close enough to tempt, yet never within my grasp
You are not teasing; you are simply being
It is my own concoction to unravel
I cannot regret as the choices were not mine to make
But I can wonder what might have been
Silly notions and conjecture
Happy endings never to be written
I torture myself voyeuristically
Quietly watching a game in which I will never be a player
Falling, drifting deeper and deeper into adulation
Submerging any chance for hope under the cold waters of despair
If only I could turn my head; if only I would close my eyes
Perhaps you would melt away and your memory would dissipate into the night

A Valentine’s Day Poem

This is that special time of year
Lovers embrace their ones so dear
Cupid sends his arrows flying
Heart shaped boxes loved ones are buying
The cost of roses increases tenfold
Unusual amounts of chocolate are sold
Cards with foil and glitter and mush
Are paired with pink teddy bears made out of plush
Frat boys buy wine instead of kegs
Married women actually shave their legs
Men go to chick flicks without even whining
Stay at home moms get to splurge on fine dining
All this fuss about love is made
Even married people get laid
Kids swap “be mine” cards and come home with junk
That melts in their book bag and turns into gunk
Jewelry commercials are at an all time high
People actually buy things that say “cutie pie”
Couples photos are set as new profile pics
Girls get flowers from guys that are usually pricks
Romance and sweet nothings are everywhere you look
Until you take a peek into my little nook
I have no candy hearts, chocolates or flowers
No need to shave my legs, hell I didn’t even shower
I did get a Valentine’s text from my mother
Which is the equivalent of going to prom with your brother
But that’s fine, I’m okay, no need to cry and wail
Tomorrow I’ll go to Kroger and buy candy on sale
I’ll be my own Valentine and to myself be true
I’ll never cheat on me or make myself blue
I won’t even do anything stupid and make myself mad
Oh wait, I just got flowers; a dozen roses from my Dad!
That’s right; I got flowers from a wonderful guy
Who has always loved me for me and will till we die
Now I’m all smiles and rainbows and shouting hooray!
And can say without sarcasm “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

roses from my dad

Mine

My heart is aching
Even though you are not mine
You’re so far away

You call to my heart
Without even knowing it
Your soul draws me near

Tears fall down my face
I pretend it is nothing
But I’m missing you

We have memories
But they’re not without lament
Too late to go back

I wonder often
If you think that I’m a joke
Or if you might care

Time keeps slipping by
And our distance grows farther
Maybe it’s too far

My questions remain
Your intentions unspoken
Just as my feelings

I’ve given you hints
I’m just too scared to say it
I wish you were mine

Top Ten Ways to Get Me to Close You on eHarmony

10. Misspell the name of your hometown on your profile.

9. Respond to the Three Things You Are Most Thankful For with “My kids, my iPod and sex.”

8. The number one thing you can’t live without is “beef steak.”

7. You are most passionate about “Eco-Nomos-Axion” and some additional information you want me to know is “my BBS occasionally…. it is unique….you got to crazy love it or absolutely hate it…”

6. You have too many pictures available including one of you and your daughter getting ripped at a bar and one of you from 2003 when you wore a mullet (and you misspell mullet when sharing your obvious pride in the photo caption).

5. You claim to be on eHarmony to meet people because “it’s not safe to drink and drive anymore” and in your profile picture you are holding a large piece of bacon.

4. Some additional information you want me to know is you are not allowed to drive.

3. When asked how you spend your leisure time you respond “It’s hard to say.”

2. You say the first thing people notice about you is “People tell me I come across very confident but I’m not sure about that.”

1. The one thing you are most passionate about is “tractor pulls,” you can’t live without “the scent of diesel fuel and Oscar de le Renta perfume” and your profile picture was taken with your prized 1985 Trans-Am that you have named Munch.

Goodbye, Old Friend

It seems hard to believe that we’ve been together over twenty years now. It seems like only yesterday that we were introduced. I knew my friends liked you, but I had no idea how quickly you and I would hit it off. I feel like our bond was almost immediate. You were there for me so many times. You calmed me down when I was stressed. You settled me when I was angry. You were there for me when I was simply bored. Hell, you even helped me lose weight! And then I think about all those times that life just seemed to get in the way, when things got complicated and I pushed you away. Like when I was pregnant and there just didn’t seem to be room for you in my life. I just tossed you aside without a second thought. But you were still there waiting for me when I was ready to come back to you. It was as if no time had passed at all and we just picked up right where we had left off. It’s been a long time. Our relationship has lasted longer than many of my others. You’ve been there for me on all those lonely nights when I couldn’t sleep. When my marriage was falling apart, when my grandfather was dying, when I, myself, was sick – you where available any time for me; day or night. You were there. But now I find myself looking ahead to my future. I think of my children. They are of the age that the relationships I have are a part of their lives. They know the company I keep. They watch and learn and base their decisions on my example. As much as it pains me to admit it, our relationship simply isn’t a healthy one. I’ve been using you as a crutch. I’ve pretended that you mean more to me that you really do. I’ve been with you because it was easy. But the easy way and the right way are often not one and the same. It’s time for me to start living on my own. I have to tell you good bye. And this time, I’m afraid it needs to be forever. I can’t keep running back to you when I feel scared or stressed or alone. I have to make it on my own now. I wish there was another way, but there isn’t. I’m sure you’ll find another. It will probably even be someone I know. I’m sure I’ll see you with them and want to let you back in to my life, but as hard as it will be, I just can’t. I’m sorry. I’m going to miss you, Cigarettes, but it’s over. Good bye, old friend. I’ll miss you.

Billiards

Shall we play billiards?
Roger will direct my shots.
Who’s really playing?

We need a dollar.
You can get one at the bar.
Same price as L.A.

One more drink, William.
Make this one in a tall glass;
Diet Coke for me.

Clean break. Balls scatter.
Of course, you got a ball in.
Will I get to play?

Smoke rises. My turn.
What do I do now, Roger?
Easy said, not done.

Lucky shot, I guess.
My skill is not a factor.
My turn is over.

Back and forth we trade
Turns, bright smiles, happy laughter.
The game is over.

Now I must play him?
I’d rather be playing you,
But at least you’re close.

This should not take long.
My inexperience shows.
One more lucky shot.

Eight ball side pocket;
If it goes, the game’s over.
Dammit! My stick slipped.

We continue on.
I should have already left.
One more Diet Coke.

One more game? There’s time.
There is nowhere else to go.
I don’t want to leave.

Leaving means goodbye
And I am not ready yet.
So rack them once more.

I watch while you play.
I want a little more time
To memorize you.

To soak up your lines,
To etch your smile in my head,
Your voice in my brain.

Something to take home;
A souvenir of our night
To remember you.

Why’d you make that shot?
That means it is time to go.
Nothing keeping us.

Two thousand fourteen:
Roger looks forward to it.
William is still lost.

We walk to the truck,
One step closer to leaving,
Closer to good bye.