Tag Archives: Television

The Auburn Football Creed

I believe that this is a terrible game and that I can count only on better games to come. Therefore, I believe in liquor, hard liquor.

I believe in sarcasm, which gives me the ability sit through an afternoon of bad football.

I believe Vern and Gary need to retire, without which I cannot continue to watch football on CBS.

I believe that if I eat enough chips and dip that I can slip into a food coma and forget an entire game before it has even ended.

I believe in a fence or hedge around a field because it protects the lives of the coaches from drunk fans.

I believe the players on my television can hear me, therefore I will continue to scream at them, as well as the coaches.

I believe in my team, because they continue to play their hearts out even when it seems like all is lost, and even when armchair coaches like me are slamming drinks, shoving chips in their face, and screaming obscenities at Gary when he criticizes all of college football during plays under review.

And because Auburn men and women believe in these things, I believe in Auburn and love it.

**Originally penned as a Facebook status during the Auburn loss to LSU on 09.19.15

What If I Went?

My latest television obsession is The Week the Women Went. I stumbled across it while I was flipping channels and the premise intrigued me. Basically, the shows produces found a small town entrenched in stereotypical, traditional roles. Most of the women were stay-at-home mothers and their husbands worked long hours or worked away from the home. The mothers took care of the majority of the housework and child rearing and the fathers worked hard so they could do so. The women who worked were hands-on business owners who were an integral part of both their business and their home.  Then the producers removed all of the women (age 18 or older) from the town for one week; leaving the men and children to fend for themselves.

The producers throw in some usual occurrence oddities, like a little girls beauty pageant, which the fathers have to take care of, thus throwing them even more out of their comfort zone. Two of the guys decide to tag team and live together for the week; which sounds good in theory, but sometimes less is more – especially when it comes to 15 month old children.

One young man (who still lives at home with Mama) proposes to his girlfriend just as the women are leaving. The poor girl says yes and then boards a train with her future mother-in-law (who didn’t know the proposal was going to take place) and leaves for what could prove to be a very interesting period of getting to know her future family.

There is a single mother on the show. She leaves her three kids (two girls age 15 and 12 and a son who is not much younger than that) with her boyfriend of 7 months; a young, handsome, never-been-married Marine. I don’t have a young, hot boyfriend with whom I could leave my kids, so they would have to stay somewhere else.  It will be interesting to see what happens with this particular family. The marine, age 24, doesn’t qualify to date me based on my Chronological Chart of Eligibility. Corey’s Chronological Chart of Eligibility basically states that 1) in order to be dateable, a man must be at least double the age of my oldest child and 2) must not have a single son who also falls into this age group. Nothing is more awkward than dumping a guy for his kid, so I find it best not to put myself in that situation. Anyway, this Marine is not even double the age of his new teenage charge, therefore I’m not sure I would have left her with him, but to each his own. Either he is going to man up and be the marrying type, or he is going to request a transfer to a new base before the week is halfway through.

My first thought when I started watching was that the men would be crying in no time and the children would realize just how amazing their mothers were. But before the first episode was over, I started to wonder if that is what would really pan out. I think the men will gain a new appreciation for the women in their lives, but what about the women? How will they survive this week away? Then the horrible question popped into my head, “What would happen if I went?”

I’m a business owner and single mother of two boys. I get the kids dressed and fed and off to school, open and run my business, pick them up from school, help with homework, grocery shop, pick up from football practice and volunteer at the school – all while training a puppy! I’m Wonder Woman, right? I know two parent families who don’t juggle as much as I do in a week. My world would fall apart if I left for a week…or would it?

I suppose my children would stay with their father, or perhaps my parents. I could write payroll checks and write up daily plans for my store and leave it with my employees. But unlike the women on the show who have the majority of their identity based in being a wife and mother, I am used to being away from my kids. They visit their father every other weekend and for a few weeks over the summer. I enjoy my free time and am not one to pine away and wonder what the little angels are doing without me.

The part that scares me is the curiosity – fear, even – that someone else can not only do what I do, but do it better. What if the kids do better in school? What if they don’t fight as much with each other? What if they drop five pounds or start cleaning their room or worse; what if they figure out that I’m not that good at being a mom? What if sales increase at my store? What if shoppers enjoy it more when I’m not there? What if the atmosphere is better? What if the displays are more creative? What if the only thing keeping my good life from being great is me?

The Week the Women Went airs on Tuesday nights at 9:00 Central on Lifetime, and I’ll be tuning in each week as this social experiment unfolds. I’m a little apprehensive to watch, since most of the reality television I watch makes me feel better about myself – you know, the girls on the Bachelor are cuter than me, but they aren’t usually that bright – but this show has already proved to be a catalyst for some deep thought and self reflection. I hope that by the conclusion, I have learned as much as the actual people in the experiment. Or at least maybe I’ll learn how to get a 24 year old Marine to date me.

Five Reasons Southern Girls Don’t Get Punched in the Face

Over the past few years, I suppose I’ve had my fair share of antics, and every now and again, I’m even told that I should have my own reality show. But to date, Andy Cohen hasn’t called me, so I’ve devoted my time to running a small boutique. I think I’m at least as interesting as the Real Housewives and maybe even the Jersey Shore people, but still – no television show. Now that I’ve thought about it, I have decided the problem isn’t me, per se, the issue is that I don’t ever get punched in the face. It seems like more fights break out on reality TV shows than at hockey games, so that must be the crucial missing element to my life. The issue this poses for me is that I will more than likely never be punched in the face. Why, you ask? Because I’m Southern, and Southern girls don’t get punched in the face. Seriously. They don’t. So in an effort to explain why I don’t have my own reality television show, here are the top five reasons Southern girls rarely, if ever, get punched in the face.

  1. Southern girls don’t talk badly about people. Oh, we talk, but we don’t say anything bad. For instance, Olivia may leave the Gatsby and head to a bar with friends. While there, she may see one of her arch enemies and decide to speak badly about said nemesis. Southern girls; we just don’t do that. Our Mamas taught us if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. We would never flat out say that some girl was a fat cow. First and foremost, that girl is most assuredly friends with a chick named Karma, and we have no desire to meet up with her in a dark alley. Therefore, we would simply and nicely say something like, “I declare, if it doesn’t look like Stephanie accidentally tripped and swallowed a washing machine, bless her heart.” You see, poor Stephanie isn’t fat. Oh, no! She just looks fat. And we are just calling a spade a spade; and there is nothing mean or malicious about pointing out the obvious. We are more than happy to help out others by making excuses for them such as, “It must be that time of the month, God love her, as she looks swole up something awful.” A mean girl would never cut a rival slack like that and help justify their portly appearance. That’s why they get punched in the face.
  2. All groups of Southern girls – yes, Southern girls travel in groups – have at least one member who look like they accidentally tripped and swallowed a washing machine. She is usually the funny one with a cute face that everyone clamors over and wants to stand next to in group pictures. Have you ever heard of one of those trainers at Sea World getting involved in a riot and getting punched in the face? Of course not. And do you know why that is? Because they hang out with Shamu. And nobody messes with Shamu. Did that Sea World trainer look at your boyfriend funny? Did she accidentally knock over your bar stool? That’s okay. No worries. Let it go! Why? Because she’s standing next to Shamu, that’s why.
  3. Southern girls carry guns. That’s right, guns. Not mace or pepper spray or Tasers or Duct tape (although we usually have some of that, too), but guns. And we actually carry them. We don’t leave them in our purse, or store them in the glove box of the car, or put them on the top shelf of our closet; we carry them in sleek, form-fitting holsters that fit right into the back waistband of our designer jeans. There is one in the chamber and plenty more in the clip, and we use high quality hollow point bullets. Only the best for us, baby, and we have a spare clip ready so we don’t ever find ourselves in that terrible position by which we break a freshly manicured nail because we had to reload in haste. Now, do you know anyone who would intentionally take a fist to a gun fight? I didn’t think so.
  4. Southern girls know how to handle drunk assholes. Now, I promised my Daddy I would try not to cuss so much, but dammit, there is no other word for some of these people. See, if you’re a girl it is inevitable that at some point in your life you will get hit on by a non-desirable. Your chances increase greatly if the guy is drunk, and your chances seriously increase if you are Southern. I’d like to say we don’t get punched in the face because the world is filled with chivalrous gentlemen, but considering there is a well- known saying, “Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince,” this is just not statistically feasible. The thing is, a Southern girl would never yell at some guy to get his filthy hands off of her when he grabs her arm and says something like, “I bet you could really heat things up if you took off that dress.” We would politely tilt our chin down and look up at him through our lashes and smile as we respond, “Oh, Honey, I assure you, when I take my pistol out and help you meet the devil, you’re going to be so hot you won’t be able to handle it.” Guys dig honey coated speech, regardless of what is being said. And drunk, stupid guys are usually too distracted by the lashes and the pad of our index finger at the top of their collar as we give them a shove backward that the morons don’t even realize they are getting turned down. Therefore, we get hit on, but never hit.
  5. In the South, everybody knows your Mama. I don’t care if you work at Wal-Mart or own the bank, if you’re from the South; everybody knows your Mama. They have gone to Sunday School with her for 47 years, or they play bridge with her at the Club, or somebody once dropped a big stack of mail in front of the post office and your Mama jumped out of her car and helped them pick it all up. But trust me; somewhere, somehow, some way – everybody knows your Mama. If you think for one instance that you can punch a poor, sweet Southern Girl in the face and her Mama won’t know about it before your hand finishes it’s follow-through, you are sorely mistaken. And the only thing worse than a woman scorned is a crossed up Southern Mama whose little darling doodle-pie just got punched in the face. She will bring the full fury of hell upon you in front of God and everybody, and then when she is done; she will call your own Mama and tell her to come pick you up.

So in summary, I’ve never been punched in the face and I don’t have a reality show. But not to despair; I know over 47 analogies for fat people, I’ve got a great group of friends, a swell pistol, fantastic eyelashes and everybody knows my Mama.

There’s a Reason the Word Viral Has a Negative Connotation

Okay, fine. After much urging, I finally watched the viral video sensation, Rebecca Black (on mute), and I don’t have enough hours in the night to tell you all of my thoughts, but I will give you a few of them.

1) The pencil sketch portion at the beginning made me think about when Japanimation cartoons first aired in the US and all these little American kids started having epileptic seizures because of all of the rapid movement and the flashing of the television screen. In fact, I think at one point when Rebecca Black is “dancing” she is actually having a seizure. Her parents may want to have her checked out by their family physician. Better safe than sorry.

2) The Blacks should have spent a little extra cash on a stylist. This girl is one animal sweater away from looking exactly like Rachel Berry from Glee, and although Rachel (Lea Michele) can sing, she gets a slushy in the face at least once a week – she’s not exactly who you want to emulate in the trendy outfit category.

3) Do those kids have on seat belts in the convertible? Aren’t there seat belt laws? And is it odd to anyone other than me that every girl in the car has a mole on her face? I don’t know if I know anyone with a mole on their face. Well, I know one person. And then there’s Sarah Jessica Parker, but she had hers removed, so she doesn’t count. How does this chick know two other girls with moles on their faces? I wonder if they live near a nuclear power plant.

3) Now I’m pretty sure it is illegal to ride down the road sitting up on the back of a convertible; unless you are traveling at parade speed…and you’re actually in a parade. Did she pick girls with braces to flank her to add extra sparkle? Did they intentionally find two girls that had even less dancing ability than Rebecca so that she would look better? They keep doing this twisting while remaining rigid move that reminds me of the agitator in the clothes washer. Is it possible that everyone Rachel Berry, I mean Rebecca Black, knows is prone to seizures?

4)  Is that a real rapper? Is he in this video because he’s doing community service? Is he driving a Chrysler? How did the kids get the convertible and the rapper get the LeBaron?

5) What happened to hanging out in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot? Where is this party? We didn’t have parties like this when I was 13. And we sure as hell didn’t wear sequins to them. Why did all those kids leave their headlights on? Don’t they know they’re going to run down the batteries?

6) Where is this dark room where Rebecca is all alone with her red and purple lights and smoke machine? It’s just creepy. I can almost hear the director saying something like, “You don’t have to do anything more than you’re comfortable with, Rebecca.” I feel like I need a shower now. Maybe I should have watched this with the volume on. This is just pure uncomfortable in silence.

I’ve got to stop. I’m getting a headache. I think I may have a seizure of my own if I think about this anymore. Thank goodness I watched the video on mute. If I actually had this song stuck in my head, it is quite possible that I may do myself bodily harm. I would like to say, however, that it is pretty apropos that she’s “dancing” under a weeping willow tree in the end of the video. If this is what our culture now embraces as real talent/entertainment, it should be more than the tree weeping.

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Eight

After a regurgitation of the season’s highlights, Devin jumped right in to choose her soul mate. It’s Country vs. Country in a battle of movie references: will it be the quarterback with all the right moves or the horse whisperer? At this point, do we really even care?

She has a date with Tribble and they head out on a sea plane. She announces that she will be Maverick and he can be Goose. They land on a lake next to a country club and play a game of pool before sitting on a dock and having their “deepest conversation” about trust. Next they have a boat ride. Tribble compared it to a “dumpster fire” since they had some issues with the motor; the main issue being that Tribble didn’t know how to operate it. They discover that they both only have one living grandmother, but Devin isn’t sure that those trivial things in common are enough. Tribble spends the greater part of the evening trying not to stare at Devin’s cleavage, and he can’t open up to her without her telling him that she had already chosen him. His lack of confidence was a big buzz kill for Devin. After announcing that he isn’t really hungry, he walks away from a huge, beautiful steak. It was such a good looking steak that I couldn’t even pay attention to anything else that happened. How do you walk away from a steak like that? Are you insane? They go night swimming while the steak sits there and rots.

The next day, she gets on the same sea plane with Adam and he makes a fun quip about swimming with the sharks. They go to an island off the coast of Mississippi and have a little picnic. There is brie cheese that Adam keeps calling cheesecake and Devin pretty much decides she wants to dump him because he doesn’t know the difference between a dessert and a block of cheese. Adam knew he was messing up, but he had totally let Devin’s date with Tribble mess with his head. A storm rolls in that is more horrific than their conversation skills and they have to leave the island. They dress up and have some sushi with “green beans” and Devin shows off her spelling skills. He finally gets his confidence back and things take a turn for the better. Adam spouts off some romantic stuff and Devin says he sounds like a line from a movie. He tells her “exactly what she needed to hear” and then a huge rain storm begins pouring down on them. Then in the rain under stings of lights, they begin to dance without any music. It was an electrocution waiting to happen, but it was also pretty damn romantic. Adam sums the night up as “being like a movie” and lets Devin know again that he’s “fallin’ for” her.

Devin decides that even though they are both country, that one is city southern and the other is backwoods southern. She thinks she looks good with Tribble and he always keeps her guessing, but Adam is ruggedly good looking and “to know him a minute is to know who he is.” Tribble shows up first and Devin dumps him through tears. He claims that he is at a loss for words and then proceeds to talk for ten minutes. Ever the jock, he bounces back quickly and declares that if it can’t be him to win Devin’s heart, that he’s glad that it’s Adam (his best friend in the house) and he thinks they will be great together. Next Adam comes and meets Devin who is wearing a classic bridal inspired prom dress. She tells him that he’s the one and he whips out a small white box. Devin freaks for just a moment thinking it’s a proposal, but instead it’s a “promise ring on a chain.” In case you weren’t in middle school at some point and don’t know what that is, a promise ring on a chain is when you give a girl a ring with a diamond, but not a diamond big enough that anyone would actually want to wear it on their finger, especially their ring finger because then everyone would just think they had a crappy engagement ring and they would have to spend half their time explaining that it was just a promise ring. So it’s typically worn around a chain; which in most cases is the better piece of jewelry. I’ve never quite understood what the promise was that went with a promise ring, but whatever it is, Devin ate it up and Adam put the necklace on her with pride.

So the only question that remains is: Did Devin pick Adam because he’s from Franklin, TN; just a hop, skip and a jump away from her real hometown back in Tennessee?

Oh! Don’t cry for Tribble. He will be staring in the next Sweet Home Alabama where CMT will pair him with ten city girls and ten country girls and help him find his true love. Oh, just wait. In the promo clip, he said he’s looking for “Mrs. Right.” So apparently, they will all be married women. See you next time in Sweet Home Alabama!

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Seven

The country boys have a pow wow and decide that city boy Maxim is a threat and not right for Devin, but Jason Maxim isn’t worried because he looks like Josh Duhamel and he considers himself a Jedi (Yet he also considers himself mature enough for a relationship).

Devin takes Collin to a soda shop in Foley and they share a malt. Collin thinks she is “more than amazing and the love of his life.” Devin can imagine him being the guy she falls in love with. Next  they go to the beach and make out in the ocean. Later, while laying in a hammock, Collin lets Devin know exactly how he feels and she just smiles at him.

Devin and Jason go and meet Kathy Najimy in Gulf Shores. No, wait, that’s Jimmy Buffett’s sister, LuLu. “Alabama native” Devin explains that LuLu’s is a resort (it isn’t; it’s a restaurant with an upscale beach equivalent of put put golf so that people have something to do while they wait on a table) and the pair set off to climb a rope apparatus. While at the top, Jason explains to Devin that she has helped him “not care about money so much” and they make out. Devin says she doesn’t like to get stuff just because she’s pretty, but would rather deserve it. Jason realizes how much money that could save him and he falls even more for her.

Adam picks Devin up in his version of a “slick” car, a 1931 Model A, and they go to a hot air balloon fair. She is impressed with his suit and they share an ice cream cone and talk about all the mud in their teeth during their last kiss. They discuss where they would like to be in ten years. Devin is super realistic and explains her plans for two kids (a boy and a girl) and how the boy will come first because her daughter will need an older brother. She also explained how she wanted a career and would like to be a housewife. She is really also looking forward to getting fat. She teaches him some dance moves and he tells her that he’s “fallin’ fer” her and they swap some spit (without mud).

Tribble “pulls some strings” and gets his mother and Devin’s mother to meet them at Bellingrath Gardens for tea. Mama Reese explains that she must love her son to do this for him. As they walk to meet the Grissoms, she uses that time to bitch him out about his shoes not being polished enough and hopes that she doesn’t look at his feet, because apparently, at this point in the game, a dirty shoe would be a deal breaker. She must not be aware of the fact that Devin just finished a date with a guy who had mud in his teeth. Devin’s mom didn’t trust Tribble at first because he was “good-looking,” but after taking her sunglasses on and off about twelve times at  “tea” she decided that he was a nice young man. (Tea is actually mimosas, and to understand the sunglasses, just watch the damn clip). Tribble walked his mom back to the hotel so that she could run a full background check on Devin and Devin went off for a little chat with Kim Bassinger (or Mrs. Grissom, whatever you want to call her – see photo below and decide for yourself). Mom admits to Devin that she’s never “dated so many at once” (thank goodness). Tribble and Devin sneak away and have a disjointed conversation about how stressed she is and he walks away without any smooches.

Devin arrives to the porch and announces that she’s in the worst mood of her life (apparently they have now been there a full 28 days) and she apologizes to Tribble for their rotten one-on-one time. She tells them that two of them will be going home and that they just need to come see her at her old truck one by one.  Adam decided to go first and she invites him to stay. Collin goes second and she cuts him loose. He wants to know if she let him go because he’s “so deep that it scared her away” and she simply says she’s sorry. After squalling on the other guys, the other two country boys walk him to the fence (Tribble carrying a huge bunch of dry-cleaned dress shirts, um…whose are those?) and tell him goodbye. Next up is city boy Jason “Jedi” Maxim. Devin tells him that he scares her and sometimes she just wants to pack up and leave with him, but her heart is in the South and she knows that is where she belongs. He tells her that she opened his heart again and that he will just have to find himself another girl from the South. Tribble “did the math” and figured out he was going to get to stay and went out to see Devin and told her he wanted to stay. He’s excited that his “best friend in the house” is still remaining and they both look forward to the “fight to the finish.”

Yeah? Maybe like a short, pudgy Kim Bassinger?

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Six

I’m sort of in a hurry, so I’m going to make tonight’s recap short and sweet. Well, short anyway. Devin’s Daddy comes to town to separate the men from the boys. Here are the highlights:

The City Boys proved that even they know the difference between alligators and crocodiles. (Sorry, Devin, you just lost a little more credibility as a Bama girl).

Daddy took the boys out ATV riding. Jason Maxim spoke from the heart (AKA brown nosed), Adam said something, but it was too country to understand. Tribble lost points with Daddy for being a quarterback. He must have gotten beat up by someone on the football team in high school. Daddy asked Collin what he would find if he Googled him and Collin assured him that he would find “nothing.” He then asked Flex what would happen if he Googled him. Flex told him he’d find about ten modeling photos and a Facebook page. When asked why he thought he and Devin would be a good match, Flex responded that they both “like Superman.”

While Daddy interviews the guys, Devin rides out on a four-wheeler and helps Adam get unstuck. Next comes a mud fight followed by some making out in the mud. Then they hose each other off.

Daddy and Devin clean up and have a chat. He likes Adam but thinks he has some growing up to do. He thinks Collin has a firm foundation, but doesn’t like the two earrings. He thinks Tribble is a playboy. He thinks Flex is a moron, although he didn’t really say that. Daddy doesn’t want Devin going to L.A. and he finds it hard to believe that Jason Maxim turned down a TV show to stay with Devin. Then Daddy let’s Devin know that he Googled the guys and found a video of one of the guys “full force getting it on” with a woman – completely naked and “going to town.” Well, that’s awkward.

The guys sit around and talk about their conversations with Daddy and wonder who will be going home. Devin arrives in a polka dotted dress and lets them know that one of them will be going home. She tells Flex that she wants to chat with him and they go for a stroll. Suddenly, he has a gas-station rose behind his back and gives it to her. She discusses their early chemistry and tells him that she always admired his honesty. Then she asks him about the sex video on the internet. He explains that it was a movie that he was in and that it was done tastefully and that you can’t see any of his “parts.” Even though it is titled Hotel Erotica, he says that his parents have seen it and they like it. (um…yuck) He starts making Devin feel guilty about “judging” him, but she tells him anyway that their romantic relationship needs to end. They hug it out and he leaves. He stands by the fact that his soft core porn was tastefully done and that he even “had a lot of lines.”

The highlight of the night was when CMT’s generic version of the never seen Chris Harrison narrated the preview of next week and called it “the most emotional episode ever.” You got me, CMT. I’m in.