Monthly Archives: April 2008

Welcome to Wal-Mart. Do You Have a Return?

I have heard people say over the years that there is someone for everybody. Everyone has a soul mate. Whatever. I really don’t think I believe this. I think that there are some people who are meant to be alone. I don’t mean in the crazy cat lady sense, but some people who don’t need a Jerry Maguire type to complete them. The two biggest problems with this thought are that A) I believe in the bible and it says that man is not meant to be alone and B) I have been to the local Wal-Mart.

Nothing gives you better perspective on life than your local Wal-Mart. Feeling like crap? Feeling fat? Think you are ugly? Maybe so, sister, but head on down to your local Wal-Mart and I guaran-damn-tee that there are at least 7.6 other people fatter and uglier than you ever thought about being. There are also at least 4 out of 10 people with fewer teeth than you, worse body odor than you, worse hair days than yours and nastier feet than you. I have heinous feet and I can even find people who should not be allowed to wear flip flops more so than me. Now that is saying something.

The thing about Wal-Mart is that you see some of these biological enigmas and they are attached to a second genetic wonder. Their un-groomed, hairy knuckled fingers are intertwined with another set of oddly grotesque fingers. These heroes of the skirted palace have found another person with which to spend their time. After the clock has been punched on Friday, they know what they are doing and it involves items that are canned, charcoal and their red hot burning love. Although most of these people should not mate, many if not most do, and they in turn will find others like themselves and continue this cycle. So where does that leave me?

Joe Bob with three fingers on his left hand (and yes, he will tell you all about the time he made homemade sausage) and Cindy Sue with her green eye that points east and her blue eye that faces south, have found each other and are happily shopping for drill bits and dog biscuits at the local Wal-Mart. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, there is a perfectly good heart surrounded by a none-too-shabby body and engineered with an above average brain that is blogging on facebook because there is nothing better to do and no one to do it with. So is there someone for everybody? Is there really a soul mate for each of us? Or perhaps the better question should be if there is someone for everyone, how the hell are we supposed to end up together?

All I know is that I am one step closer to therapy and the local psychologist is female, and so that’s not how it’s going to happen. My assistant at work signs for all of my UPS packages, so I don’t see any “special deliveries” in my future. So short of getting hit by a car and meeting….no, that won’t even work. I have already met all of our EMT staff. So what? What? Can I get an answer here? And before you go and say that it is because I am too discerning, or that I’m intimidating, or any of that crap, just go ahead and shut the hell up. Because there is someone for EVERYBODY, remember? I still don’t know that there is.