Category Archives: The Bachelor Re-cap: In Case You Missed It

A weekly update on ABC’s the Bachelor.

The Bachelorette: The Final Rose

It’s been the most amazing journey ever. And now it’s time for Ashley to pick her perfect match. Ashley’s family has flown all the way to Fiji to meet the guys and give their opinion. She shares with her family about how great the experience has been and tells them all about JP and Ben. Her mother’s accent is like the McKenzie Brothers. Good day, ay!?! One of these hose heads is going to have to take off.

JP is confident that Ashley’s parents will love him for who he is. He brings a bottle of wine (not from Ben’s winery) and starts smooching as soon as they see each other. JP sits down with the family as Ashley plays with her hair and mops sweat off of her face with a gold towel. As JP continues to talk, she looks down her shirt and sops  up some more sweat. Mom welcomes JP to the family with a toast. As soon as the women slip away, sister Kristi lets loose on Ashley. She wears her feelings on her tattoo sleeve and tells Ashley that she thinks that she is too much for him. Ashley starts bawling like a baby while Kristi talks about logistics and being rational. Ashley switches from wiping up sweat to wiping up tears and snot. Mom steps in and tells Kristi that she should at least talk to JP one-on-one before she decides that JP is not the one.

Next Ashley goes off with her brother, Elliot, and vents about her super mean sister. Elliot agrees that Kristi needs to actually talk to JP before making a decision. Then she tells her step dad about what happened with her sister. He responds in an incredibly Irish accent that Ashley should just calm down. Kristi and JP finally sit down together and she admits that she doesn’t see a connection between the two of them. JP tells her that he is 100% in love with Ashley. Kristi asks why JP is still single and wonders why he is interested in her “much younger” sister. Kristi will hardly let JP get a word in and keeps cutting him off. Then she tells him that she will not be happy if JP proposes to Ashley. JP is pretty pissed, to say the least. He talks to Ashley, but doesn’t get any reassurance from her and goes away feeling defeated.

Ashley sits down with her sister to warn her to chill out when Ben gets there. Kristi puts it back on Ashley and tells her to get over it. She compares JP to Bentley and says she’s not there to sugar coat it. After sitting there and talking over each other, Ashley tells Kristi that she’s not being her sister, that she’s being a bitch. Afterward, Kristi sits down with her mom and talks about how she thinks Ashley doesn’t want to hear the truth, but only wants to hear about rainbows and chocolate covered bunnies.

Ben arrives with a bottle of champagne (not from his vineyard) and goes in to meet the family. Unlike JP, he actually got to sit in the air-conditioning. The family asks them about their dates and actually got to know him (unlike they did with JP). Ashley starts using her dog voice and then Ben uses his dog voice. (Really? Is the wicked sister going to base compatibility on dog voices?) Ben goes off with Kristi for a chat by the pool. Ben says that he has felt this way about other women in the past, but that he is in love with Ashley. He feels like they are best friends and he is ready to propose to her. Kristi admits that she has been married and divorced (so now we know why she is so bitter), but she gives Ben the stamp of approval. Ben confesses that he is confident that the next time he sees her family, that he will be engaged to Ashley. When Ashley leaves her family, she confesses via voice over that it may be time to start making her own decisions and stop relying so much on her sister.

Ashley meets up with Ben for some alone time. He wears some super girly shorts, a straw hat that’s too small and he uses the word “swimmingly.” If this guys gets a rose, I’m going to kill myself. They fly off in a helicopter to get a birds-eye view of Fiji. They arrive at a natural “healing mud bath,” i.e. a big mud hole that some Fiji people are making a killing on. They rub mud all over each other and exchange flirty comments. After a shower, Ashley heads over to Ben’s place for a romantic chat. Ben tells her that he asked her parents for their permission to propose to her and tells her that he is in love with her. They make out and talk about how happy they are. Ashley throws her leg, complete with giant mosquito bite, over Ben and they make out some more.

Ashley meets up with JP for their final time together before the rose ceremony. He tells her that the issue with her sister was rough. JP tells Ashley that he knows her sister was wrong and that he thinks they are a perfect fit. JP tells her that he is flexible for whatever Ashley wants and that he is willing to give up a lot for her. He tells her that  he is madly in love with her and has been for some time. Then they head to the ocean’s shore where JP drops her towel and they make out next to the surf. Back at JP’s place, they sit on the bed and JP gives her a book that he made for her. It has a photo of them together and a letter with some super sappy stuff about their love story. When Ashley leaves, JP starts stressing about her choosing Ben and wondering if he will walk away with “love or nothing.”

Ben and JP each go select a ring from jeweler Neil Lane. Ben tells Neil Lane all about his relationship with Ashley and Neil smiles and nods and acts like he cares. JP talks to Neil Lane while he picks out a ring and Neil asks him what happens if Ashley says no. JP pours his heart out while Neil Lane snickers inside – not only because he seems to enjoy messing with people’s heads, but because he just got some major national advertising.

Ben uses the word confidence about 47 times and then heads off to propose. JP talks about how Ashley deserves the best and how he would sacrifice anything for her and also heads off to propose. Ashley applies massive amounts  of mascara and heads off to be proposed to. Ashley awaits on the beach and the guys arrive one by one via sea plane. First up is Ben. (Yay! I get bonus points for him being first in the Nashville Bachelor Fantasy League!) Chris Harrison ushers Ben to the walk down to Ashley while Ben gushes via voice over about how proud his dead dad would be of him. Before Ashley can speak, Ben tells her how great everything with her is and confesses how in love with her he is. Then he drops down on one knee and proposes to her with a simple, straight-forward “Will you marry me?” Ashley pulls him up and says she’s sorry. He shrugs and says “I guess that’s it,” and he walks off. She catches up to him and walks him out and he tells her that he doesn’t need her to sugar coat it. He tells her that he’s in shock and says that “good things don’t end unless they end badly.” He says that JP is a wonderful guy and turns and walks off. He jumps into a little boat and is motored away. JP’s plane flies over head as Ben’s boat passes in front of where Ashley is standing.

Ashley waves at da plane, da plane as JP arrives. JP hops out of the plane with the ring in his hand and is welcomed by Chris Harrison. Even though he landed on the beach, he and Chris walk up and down several flights of stairs back down to the beach. As soon as he reaches Ashley, they kiss immediately and exchange compliments. JP summarizes their experience from the limo to now. He tells her that he is still afraid of having his heart-broken, but that the only way to overcome his fear is to take a leap of faith. He tells her that the time they have spent together is the happiest time of his life and that he is madly in love with her. They kiss again and she tells him that she loves him, too. They beam with happiness and JP drops to one knee as Ashley grins. He asks, “Ashley, will you marry me?” and she says “Yes!” and they go right back to making out. The sun goes down and they embrace as REO Speedwagon’s I Can’t Fight This Feeling starts playing and we are treated to a montage of Ashley and JP’s best moments. Back at the beach, Ashley asks JP with her pseudo dog voice if he will accept the rose. And of course, he does. And that, my friends, is how you start happily ever after.

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The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

Tonight Chris Harrison welcomed us to The Men Tell All and promised to answer the burning questions that have been plaguing all of America. First, He sat down with Ashley in a prerecorded interview to review items such as drunken Tim, Jeff the mask, William the fallen, Ryan the unreal, and Bentley the player. Then they recapped some of the behind the scenes items that didn’t make it to the show including JP breaking the entertainment center, Ames ballroom dancing, Mickey hanging from a harness, canine urination, sampling local food, rice filled bamboo, toe cramps, creatively placed bananas, and Vaseline.

Back in the studio, the audience of middle-aged women and a few guys that were forced to be there squeal with delight as Chris Harrison previews the next season of the Bachelor Pad complete with tears and fights and back-stabbing. Highlighted are guests Michelle Money, Jake and Vienna, Ames, Guard and Protect Your Heart Boy, and a whole lot of Karma.

Next all of the guys who were dumped are welcomed to the stage to give their thoughts on this season. Most of the guys are in suits. Ames is surprisingly dressed down – he’s even wearing jeans! Perhaps he’s turning over a new leaf. They make fun of Tim for getting drunk and review Jeff’s mask. They discuss Ryan being a goober and William being too aggressive. All of the guys gang up on William for being a jerk and the audience seems to agree.  Nick stands up for Ryan and his “camp counselor” personality. Then Nick stands up for Jeff’s mask. Tim owns up to being a jerk for attacking Jeff, but says the mask is still creepy.

William joins Chris Harrison in the hot seat to review his Vegas date with Ashley. Then they make things awkward by replaying William’s terrible performance at the roast, and ultimately his dismissal from the show. You can hear a pin drop after the clip plays. William admits that he has only watched one episode of the show and that it is embarrassing to see how he acted on the show. He admits that he was an ass and vows to change the way he acts. When Nick tried to call him out and asks “Why are we all here?” William responds with “Because none of us can get a date,” and Chris Harrison compliments him and tells him that is how you shut someone down without being an ass.

Next in the hot seat is Ryan. We see a video review of Ryan’s time on the show from getting the first impression rose to his dissertation on water heaters. We get to see Ashley dump him not once, but twice. All the while, Ryan sweats and huffs and puffs in a live shot on the bottom corner of the screen. Ryan outlines the books he read before the show and the effort he had made to really connect with Ashley.

Ames joins Chris Harrison in the hot seat with his “awkward charm.” The audience goes crazy as he sits there looking goofy with his Twilight hair and world’s largest watch. As they roll clips of Ashley’s time with Ames, we are treated to Ames in the bottom corner with his mouth agape as if he’s catching flies. He tells Chris that his time on the show made him a better person and that he wished Ashley all the happiness. Chris Harrison presents Ames with a gift – the pink boxing gloves he used (or didn’t use) on the show.

To a chorus of boos, they roll the footage of Bentley’s time on the show. He goes on and on about how he’s not interested in Ashley and about how it’s just fun and games. Then he talks about how dumb all of the other guys are. Although Bentley was not there – as he declined the invitation – they discussed him anyway. The guys agree that he is a coward and an ass. None of the guys blame Ashley for falling for Bentley. Michelle Money was brought up to the hot seat since she had warned Ashley about Bentley before the show started. Michelle explains how she knows Bentley’s ex-wife and how she warned Ashley. She defended Ashley by saying that Bentley is a charmer and that women tend to fall for the bad boy. Bachelor, Chris, says that Bentley can “Go BLEEP yourself!” and the audience cheers!

Finally, with minutes left, Ashley joins Chris Harrison. She said the worst part of the process was feeling like a fool over the Bentley situation. She fights back tears as she talks about the time she wasted on Bentley. She asks the guys to forgive her for the mistake she made with Bentley. Blake tries to be nice about the situation, but doesn’t do a very good job of it. Ryan tells her that he gets it now and is thankful for the experience. Tim apologizes to Ashley for the mistakes he made the first night and slips in that he’s cheering for JP.

Previous contestants and winners (?) Deanna, Jason and Ally milk their fifteen minutes of fame a little longer and help promote that ABC concept of the “Bachelor Family” by joining Ashley and Chris on stage. Ally says this season was hard for her to watch. Deanna talks about how hard it is to send people home. Jason tells Ashley to forget about the audience criticism and to focus on what’s inside. Then we are treated to outtakes and bloopers from the show that never made it to television including wet spots, belching, bugs, frogs, Ames impersonations, and men without pants. And finally, the last ten minutes is filled with footage of Ben and JP and the big question: Who will Ashley choose, the man or the boy? I think we all know who I’m pulling for.

The Bachelorette: Episode Nine

Ashley arrives in the tropical paradise of Fiji, a place that she claims “the sun is always shining” even though it rains about five times while she is there. After she recaps her journey with the three remaining suitors, she primps for her date with Ben. He should be there any moment. There’s a knock at the door. But wait! It’s not Ben. What is going on? That’s right, another guy has flown half-way around the world for a mini-vacation, I mean, a second chance with Ashley. Ashley is shocked to find cry-baby, Ryan, standing at the door in a short-sleeved tablecloth. “Ry” recaps their Taiwan experience and tells Ashley that he thinks they didn’t have enough time together and asks her for a second chance. He tells her that he’ll be hanging out for a few days and for her to think about maybe them hanging out. They hug it out and she goes back to primping for Ben. (Oh, by the way, it’s raining.)

Ashley goes to meet Ben in an Amish length skirt and a bikini top. They hop on their giant boat and talk about how he thinks the hometown date went. Ben rubs lotion on Ashley and they kiss and exchange those three little words that make their world go around, “I know, right?” They do a little snorkeling before they head off to a romantic dinner. Nothing says fantasy date like picking your teeth at the dinner table. After exchanging pledges of comfort to one another, Ashley picks some fruit from between her teeth with her fingernail and then sits patiently through Ben stammering and yammering; trying to say “I love you” but not ever actually saying it. One smirk led to another and the couple headed off to the fantasy suite. They enjoyed some making out in the private pool and then Tarzan carried Jane around for no real reason at all.

Next up is Constantine. They flew around Fiji in a helicopter and oohed and ahhed about the scenery. Meanwhile, Ryan hung out on the beach below and bitched about being forced to hang out in Fiji while waiting to hear from Ashley. Back on the ground, Ashley and Constantine jump into a waterfall while Ashley provides voice over of jumping, falling and taking a leap analogies. Ashley tells him that she’s a little freaked out that he looked at 108 houses before he finally bought one. Hell, I’m a little freaked out that he looked at 108 houses before he bought one. I bet his real estate agent was pretty pissed off about it, too. Later at dinner, they toasted each other (not with wine from Ben’s winery) and Constantine basically says that he would be happy for Ben if he ended up with Ashley. (Does this mean he can’t tell himself apart from Ben any better than I can? Does he think they are the same person?) He tells Ashley that he is concerned that he is not really feeling it for her. He even tells her that he’s not interested in the fantasy suite before she even offers him Chris Harrison’s note. Constantine tells her that it’s the end of the road for him and excuses himself from Fiji. Man, he didn’t even eat his steak. I would have damn sure eaten that steak before I high-tailed it out of there.

Ashley has a great moment of clarity after Constantine leaves and she heads over to see Ryan. When she arrives, he starts grinning and beaming and suddenly I realize he looks like Robin Williams in that Peter Pan movie – until she tells him that she isn’t giving him a second chance. But then he remembers the lessons he learned at the Ames School of Perma-grin and pulls it together. He calls her “Ash” and she calls him “Ry” and then she leaves as he chants “It will happen” and looks for another bush to hide behind and cry.

Ashley meets up with JP for their one-on-one date. They take off in a sea plane for their romantic date and spend most of the time in the air kissing and grinning until they arrive at their destination. He is her rock; they’re on an island. Wait, isn’t that a Simon and Garfunkel song? They hold each other in the surf of their private island and she tells him that she loves his parents and he says that they love her. JP confesses to everyone but Ashley that he’s in love with her and that he wants to be the last man standing. After some water snuggling, they head to dinner. Dinner is held in “the middle of the jungle” and Ashley rocks the moment in her stilettos, because that’s practical. She tells JP about Ryan coming back and leaving again and about Constantine leaving. Once they get to the fantasy suite, Ashley changes into her swim suit so they can lay on the bed and make out. Wait, huh?

Finally, the overnight dates are over. Ashley sits down with Chris Harrison to summarize what we all just watched and Ashley makes a big deal about how the men have to actually accept the rose (just like every other time) and Chris Harrison points out how it is pouring down rain. What was that Ashley said about the sun always shining in Fiji? In the most anti-climactic rose ceremony ever, both Ben and JP get a rose. And yes, they accept it.

The Bachelorette: Episode Eight

Back in the USA: Ashley summarizes why each of the guys is right for her while we watch a montage of unrealistic dates and making out.

Hometown Date One: Georgia with Constantine

They go to the family restaurant where Ashley gets a chance to learn about Constantine’s Greek heritage while they make Italian food – without a hair net – while the Asian cooks watch. All the servers watch out the window and commentate while the couple eats their lunch. They leave the restaurant and go to his parent’s house. Ashley brings along a bottle of wine (from Ben’s winery, maybe?) and there are hugs all around. They sit down to another meal and then split up for chit-chat. I think his dad said that Ashley is a worm person, but I could have just misunderstood his accent.  They all had a sit down on the couch, but the dog walked in wearing a little dress and I got too distracted to listen to what they were saying. Next the whole family showed up and reenacted the engagement party scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Hometown Date Two: Ames Buys a Pair of Jeans

They go straight to meet the family and enjoy mojitos on the patio. Ashley is questioned by Ames’ sister and is unable to give her any indication that she has any feeling for Ames, but pledges her dedication to get to know him more. Sis figures out that Ashley realizes that Ames is great on paper, but that there is no spark there. During Ashley’s conversation with Ames’ mother, Mom uses a lot of hand gestures that mirror the claws of the fighting chicken statue on the table. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that they have a fighting chicken statue, or that it looks like Ames’ mom. The sister pulls Ames aside and tells him that he’s not turning Ashley’s crank and that if he really likes her that he needs to turn up the volume and turn it up quickly. In order to turn up the heat, Ames takes Ashley for a picnic under a magnolia tree at Winterthur. (By the way, if you’re not familiar with Winterthur, check out their website. They have a great catalog from which you can order unique gifts. I’ve been ordering things from them for years and they are great.) Oh, wait, they’re kissing. If Ames would stop talking about how ordinary, yet extraordinary their date is, it would probably be a lot more romantic.

Hometown Date Three: Ben There, Done That

If you saw Andrew Firestone’s season of the Bachelor, then you’ve already seen this date, but I’ll sum it up for you anyway. Ben takes Ashley to the winery and they have a picnic. They sample some wines and grab some smooches and then have some heavy conversation about death and emotions. About three minutes in, I was ready to slit my wrists and lay in a warm tub. Good gosh, alcohol is supposed to loosen you up – not turn everything all somber. She meets the sister and mother and they sit down for dinner.  After dinner they have one-on-one conversations, but they were all so boring that there’s really nothing to share.  The highlight of this date was Ben’s tearful confessional footage with his post-kissing, super hot pink lips.

Hometown Date Four: Couple’s Skate with JP

They start making out before they even get their skates on. JP has arranged for the lights to be down low with the disco ball turning and REO Speedwagon over the sound system. They are burning up the rink right up until JP busts his ass. After a few laps around the rink, they have an impromptu picnic in the skating rink. JP outlines everyone that Ashley will be meeting. Did he say his mother’s name is Alien? He lays it all out on the line and tells Ashley how he feels. They go to meet the family. Unfortunately, his mom’s name is Ilene and not Alien. JP’s family is the most normal of the eligible men. JP tells his mom that he thinks he’s the one for Ashley and that he’s confident in them having something that Ashley doesn’t have with the other guys. Mom and Ashley bond and it’s pretty obvious that JP has got this thing in the bag.

The Rose Ceremony:

Ashley returns to the mansion and has a talk with Chris Harrison. She sums up all of the hometown dates for Chris and tells him she has no regrets. And now for the roses. There is a shot of Ben struggling to look Ashley in the face while she is talking because her black dress is a little bit sheer, and in the lights of the cameras is probably a lot bit sheer. Of course JP gets a rose, because, well, he’s JP. The other two roses went to the Groban Brothers (Ben and Constantine) partly because Ashley couldn’t tell them apart and partly because Ames is sort of a dufus. He rocks his Twilight hair and grins through their goodbye, but I bet five bucks he cries like a baby as soon as they turn off the camera.

Next week is overnight dates in Fiji. Don’t worry Ames, I’m sure you’ve already been there on some sort of research vacation…and I bet you didn’t have to share that trip with two other guys.

The Bachelorette: Episode Seven

Taiwan: where it seems everything is made. In tonight’s episode, I wondered if they made backless shirts and jeggings in Taiwan, because Ashley kicked up her donning of both items to a new high.

Groban I and Groban II got the first two one-on-one dates tonight. Ashley and Constantine boarded the train to Hogwarts where they wrote magical wishes on hot air balloons and let them go into the sky. I don’t think they were really at Hogwarts, but there was a train and balloons. I got so distracted by the perfectly tailored short-sleeved cowboy looking shirt that Constantine wore that I have no idea what else happened on the date. But it would be hard to tell where one date ended and the other started with the Groban boys. Groban II embraced his excitement about the upcoming Tom Hanks film, Larry Crowne, and hopped on his scooter and declared that he and Ashley were “Going places.” I’m not sure where they went, but before I knew it, it was dark outside and they were drinking wine. Ashley proved once again that she knows nothing about wine when she declared for the second time on a date with Ben, “This wine tastes like the wine you brought me the first night!” Um, yeah, Ashley, all white wine does not taste like the wine Ben brought you. For some reason, Ben doesn’t come home that night. I assume he stayed up all night trying to explain bouquet and undertones to Ashley.

The group date appeared to be as much fun as a root canal. (Ironic, considering Ashley is a “dentist.”) JP, or as I like to call him, the winner, was super pissed off that his future wife was going out with other guys and going on a group date with two of them was not high on his list. If the William Wedding Weirdness in Vegas wasn’t enough for you, then you surely ate up the group date. The guys dressed in different styles of wedding wear and had their photos taken with Ashley. As painful as it was to watch, it was totally worth it to hear JP describe Ames as the “offspring of an ostrich and Elton John.” Ames also brought a bunch of childhood photos to use in his campaign for a home town date. In the most shocking event of the season, Ames discarded his traditional white pants for a pair of red pants. Clearly, he is a rebel. JP gets the rose and then he perks up.

Ryan got the last one-on-one date. They went to this temple where they made wishes on these rocks and threw them to the god of matchmakers – or something stupid like that. Then they threw the rocks and they landed in a way that indicated their wishes would not come true. Ryan gave Ashley an eco-green lesson about tankless water heaters and bored Ashley to the point that she can’t stand him another minute and tells him she doesn’t want to meet his parents. He cries like a baby in his pink shirt and runs into the bushes to cuss and have some alone time. Or maybe he was hugging a tree. Who knows?

Lucas is super excited about the cocktail party because he feels like he’s on the fence and needs time with Ashley.  Too bad, so sad, Lucas – there will be no cocktail party tonight. It looks like the boys back in Odessa won’t be reliving the feeling of victory like they did back in 1988 as chronicled in the book Friday Night Lights. Nope, it looks like this boy from Odessa is going home a loser.

Bachelorette: Episode Six

High Road to China: Bentley is in Hong Kong. Shut Up! Seriously? Are you kidding? Really? Yes, Ashley. Chris Harrison would never mess with your head like that. That’s what Bentley is for. Why didn’t he just call? Is he taking the high road? Of course not; he’s here for the vacay!  Without the mental lubricant of the cocktail party beverages, Ashley could see clearly and realized Bentley was/is a toad. Bye-bye Bentley!

Ain’t Nothing Going to Break My Stride:  After eating some delicious fried pig intestines, Ashley takes a little row boat in China to help get to know Lucas, or as I call him, that non-descript blonde guy. He decides he needs to get his laundry clean and tells Ashley all about his divorce. She still has questions, but gives him the rose. But wait! The season is almost over and they haven’t kissed. Oh, no, they did kiss on the boat. It was just so non-descript that I didn’t notice.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat: For the group date, the guys split up into teams of two and had to recruit random street people to join their rowing team. Everyone just happened to run into English speaking dragon boat crew members with the exception of Team Groban.  Josh Groban’s long lost twins, Constantine Groban and Ben Groban couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag. But they bought some super awesome bath robes and exchanged quite possibly the most bromantic bonding moment of Bachelorette history. Groban One: “Dude, we’re getting smoked.” Groban Two: “Like salmon.” After the boat battle, there’s lots of making out between Ashley and most of the guys and lots of Ryan bashing between all of the guys except Ryan, of course. What’s that, Groban? You don’t like cheese in a can? Well too bad, mister, cause Ryan got the rose.

Twice as Nice: JP gets the second one-on-one date – although the hang out in pajamas after getting dumped by Bentley date really doesn’t count.  So what do they do? They hang out and have a totally non-Bachelorette type date. Over dinner, Ashley confesses to JP that she saw Bentley in Hong Kong and he took it like a champ. Ashley gives an overly long-winded offer of the rose to JP and he accepts. Now, I don’t want to ruin anything for you, but JP is the winner of this thing. How do I know? I just know. Don’t question my Bachelorette intuition. After all, as of last week I was in second place in the Nashville Bachelorette Fantasy League. That’s right. Ashley in her black bra and white shirt just fell for JP on the top of a roof while some other dude played some ancient Chinese instrument. Take it to the bank. Bank on it. It’s JP for the win.

Cocktails and Confessions: Ashley tells the guys about Bentley and they are pissed off. And by pissed off, I mean pissed off. Lucas got pretty mouthy. Maybe the rose gave him extra courage. Blake grills her as well (he doesn’t like playing second fiddle). JP considers her confession as selfless and honest. After Ashely runs off crying, JP and Ryan come to her defense. Ames (wearing yet another pair of white pants) proves that he’s the least manly man on the face of the planet when he starts talking about wanting a fairy tale. Mickey tells her that she lied and he doesn’t want to be there and she tells him to leave if he needs to and he does. At the rose ceremony, it comes down to Ames (who stands there like a side of beef) and Blake (who sort of looks like a weasel). Blake is sent home.

Bachelorette: Episode Five

Date One: Thailand.  Ashley wants it to be fun, but like real life. Therefore, an off camera assistant gets stuck lugging around all the crap she and Ben F. purchase while they spend the day as carefree tourists in the market. Other highlights: mental kissing and seersucker shorts. At dinner, Ashley wears a ridiculous romper and Ben says he never let himself love anyone because he was too much in love with his father. What? Paging Dr. Freud. Ben gets the rose.

Group Date: Ultimate Fighting Championship.   Unfortunately, the only thing Ames ever hit was the books. After a few moments in the ring, Ames is taken to the hospital. He shows up later looking dapper in his tailored outfit and mild concussion. Kudos to Ames for using it to his advantage by proclaiming that the doctors diagnosed him as “totally in love.” But Blake turns his total lack of chemistry into a plus by pointing out that a fast attraction (suck as Bentley) can turn into total crap (such as Bentley) and sometimes the tortoise wins the race, or something like that. Blake gets the rose.

Two on One Date: Beyond Thunderdome.   Will solidifies himself as a total douche and the Rain Maker totally dries up. In what appears to be Ashley’s first moment of rational thinking, she sends both suitors home. Don’t worry, her moment of clarity doesn’t last long.

Cocktail Party: Snoozing and Losing.  I’d love to tell you what happened here, but honestly, I slept through it. The only excitable part was when Ashley sat down with Chris Harrison and told him she wanted to see Mayhem, I mean Bentley, again to remove the “dot dot dot,” and the only thing that was lively about that was the fact that I was screaming at the television “What a moron! You dufus!” the whole time. During the most boring rose ceremony ever, Nick and his six-pack were sent packing.

Stay tuned next week for the return of Bentley. Too bad All State doesn’t sponsor this show. They would have protected Ashley from Mayhem.