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The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

Tonight Chris Harrison welcomed us to The Men Tell All and promised to answer the burning questions that have been plaguing all of America. First, He sat down with Ashley in a prerecorded interview to review items such as drunken Tim, Jeff the mask, William the fallen, Ryan the unreal, and Bentley the player. Then they recapped some of the behind the scenes items that didn’t make it to the show including JP breaking the entertainment center, Ames ballroom dancing, Mickey hanging from a harness, canine urination, sampling local food, rice filled bamboo, toe cramps, creatively placed bananas, and Vaseline.

Back in the studio, the audience of middle-aged women and a few guys that were forced to be there squeal with delight as Chris Harrison previews the next season of the Bachelor Pad complete with tears and fights and back-stabbing. Highlighted are guests Michelle Money, Jake and Vienna, Ames, Guard and Protect Your Heart Boy, and a whole lot of Karma.

Next all of the guys who were dumped are welcomed to the stage to give their thoughts on this season. Most of the guys are in suits. Ames is surprisingly dressed down – he’s even wearing jeans! Perhaps he’s turning over a new leaf. They make fun of Tim for getting drunk and review Jeff’s mask. They discuss Ryan being a goober and William being too aggressive. All of the guys gang up on William for being a jerk and the audience seems to agree.  Nick stands up for Ryan and his “camp counselor” personality. Then Nick stands up for Jeff’s mask. Tim owns up to being a jerk for attacking Jeff, but says the mask is still creepy.

William joins Chris Harrison in the hot seat to review his Vegas date with Ashley. Then they make things awkward by replaying William’s terrible performance at the roast, and ultimately his dismissal from the show. You can hear a pin drop after the clip plays. William admits that he has only watched one episode of the show and that it is embarrassing to see how he acted on the show. He admits that he was an ass and vows to change the way he acts. When Nick tried to call him out and asks “Why are we all here?” William responds with “Because none of us can get a date,” and Chris Harrison compliments him and tells him that is how you shut someone down without being an ass.

Next in the hot seat is Ryan. We see a video review of Ryan’s time on the show from getting the first impression rose to his dissertation on water heaters. We get to see Ashley dump him not once, but twice. All the while, Ryan sweats and huffs and puffs in a live shot on the bottom corner of the screen. Ryan outlines the books he read before the show and the effort he had made to really connect with Ashley.

Ames joins Chris Harrison in the hot seat with his “awkward charm.” The audience goes crazy as he sits there looking goofy with his Twilight hair and world’s largest watch. As they roll clips of Ashley’s time with Ames, we are treated to Ames in the bottom corner with his mouth agape as if he’s catching flies. He tells Chris that his time on the show made him a better person and that he wished Ashley all the happiness. Chris Harrison presents Ames with a gift – the pink boxing gloves he used (or didn’t use) on the show.

To a chorus of boos, they roll the footage of Bentley’s time on the show. He goes on and on about how he’s not interested in Ashley and about how it’s just fun and games. Then he talks about how dumb all of the other guys are. Although Bentley was not there – as he declined the invitation – they discussed him anyway. The guys agree that he is a coward and an ass. None of the guys blame Ashley for falling for Bentley. Michelle Money was brought up to the hot seat since she had warned Ashley about Bentley before the show started. Michelle explains how she knows Bentley’s ex-wife and how she warned Ashley. She defended Ashley by saying that Bentley is a charmer and that women tend to fall for the bad boy. Bachelor, Chris, says that Bentley can “Go BLEEP yourself!” and the audience cheers!

Finally, with minutes left, Ashley joins Chris Harrison. She said the worst part of the process was feeling like a fool over the Bentley situation. She fights back tears as she talks about the time she wasted on Bentley. She asks the guys to forgive her for the mistake she made with Bentley. Blake tries to be nice about the situation, but doesn’t do a very good job of it. Ryan tells her that he gets it now and is thankful for the experience. Tim apologizes to Ashley for the mistakes he made the first night and slips in that he’s cheering for JP.

Previous contestants and winners (?) Deanna, Jason and Ally milk their fifteen minutes of fame a little longer and help promote that ABC concept of the “Bachelor Family” by joining Ashley and Chris on stage. Ally says this season was hard for her to watch. Deanna talks about how hard it is to send people home. Jason tells Ashley to forget about the audience criticism and to focus on what’s inside. Then we are treated to outtakes and bloopers from the show that never made it to television including wet spots, belching, bugs, frogs, Ames impersonations, and men without pants. And finally, the last ten minutes is filled with footage of Ben and JP and the big question: Who will Ashley choose, the man or the boy? I think we all know who I’m pulling for.


The Bachelorette: Episode Seven

Taiwan: where it seems everything is made. In tonight’s episode, I wondered if they made backless shirts and jeggings in Taiwan, because Ashley kicked up her donning of both items to a new high.

Groban I and Groban II got the first two one-on-one dates tonight. Ashley and Constantine boarded the train to Hogwarts where they wrote magical wishes on hot air balloons and let them go into the sky. I don’t think they were really at Hogwarts, but there was a train and balloons. I got so distracted by the perfectly tailored short-sleeved cowboy looking shirt that Constantine wore that I have no idea what else happened on the date. But it would be hard to tell where one date ended and the other started with the Groban boys. Groban II embraced his excitement about the upcoming Tom Hanks film, Larry Crowne, and hopped on his scooter and declared that he and Ashley were “Going places.” I’m not sure where they went, but before I knew it, it was dark outside and they were drinking wine. Ashley proved once again that she knows nothing about wine when she declared for the second time on a date with Ben, “This wine tastes like the wine you brought me the first night!” Um, yeah, Ashley, all white wine does not taste like the wine Ben brought you. For some reason, Ben doesn’t come home that night. I assume he stayed up all night trying to explain bouquet and undertones to Ashley.

The group date appeared to be as much fun as a root canal. (Ironic, considering Ashley is a “dentist.”) JP, or as I like to call him, the winner, was super pissed off that his future wife was going out with other guys and going on a group date with two of them was not high on his list. If the William Wedding Weirdness in Vegas wasn’t enough for you, then you surely ate up the group date. The guys dressed in different styles of wedding wear and had their photos taken with Ashley. As painful as it was to watch, it was totally worth it to hear JP describe Ames as the “offspring of an ostrich and Elton John.” Ames also brought a bunch of childhood photos to use in his campaign for a home town date. In the most shocking event of the season, Ames discarded his traditional white pants for a pair of red pants. Clearly, he is a rebel. JP gets the rose and then he perks up.

Ryan got the last one-on-one date. They went to this temple where they made wishes on these rocks and threw them to the god of matchmakers – or something stupid like that. Then they threw the rocks and they landed in a way that indicated their wishes would not come true. Ryan gave Ashley an eco-green lesson about tankless water heaters and bored Ashley to the point that she can’t stand him another minute and tells him she doesn’t want to meet his parents. He cries like a baby in his pink shirt and runs into the bushes to cuss and have some alone time. Or maybe he was hugging a tree. Who knows?

Lucas is super excited about the cocktail party because he feels like he’s on the fence and needs time with Ashley.  Too bad, so sad, Lucas – there will be no cocktail party tonight. It looks like the boys back in Odessa won’t be reliving the feeling of victory like they did back in 1988 as chronicled in the book Friday Night Lights. Nope, it looks like this boy from Odessa is going home a loser.

Bachelorette: Episode Six

High Road to China: Bentley is in Hong Kong. Shut Up! Seriously? Are you kidding? Really? Yes, Ashley. Chris Harrison would never mess with your head like that. That’s what Bentley is for. Why didn’t he just call? Is he taking the high road? Of course not; he’s here for the vacay!  Without the mental lubricant of the cocktail party beverages, Ashley could see clearly and realized Bentley was/is a toad. Bye-bye Bentley!

Ain’t Nothing Going to Break My Stride:  After eating some delicious fried pig intestines, Ashley takes a little row boat in China to help get to know Lucas, or as I call him, that non-descript blonde guy. He decides he needs to get his laundry clean and tells Ashley all about his divorce. She still has questions, but gives him the rose. But wait! The season is almost over and they haven’t kissed. Oh, no, they did kiss on the boat. It was just so non-descript that I didn’t notice.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat: For the group date, the guys split up into teams of two and had to recruit random street people to join their rowing team. Everyone just happened to run into English speaking dragon boat crew members with the exception of Team Groban.  Josh Groban’s long lost twins, Constantine Groban and Ben Groban couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag. But they bought some super awesome bath robes and exchanged quite possibly the most bromantic bonding moment of Bachelorette history. Groban One: “Dude, we’re getting smoked.” Groban Two: “Like salmon.” After the boat battle, there’s lots of making out between Ashley and most of the guys and lots of Ryan bashing between all of the guys except Ryan, of course. What’s that, Groban? You don’t like cheese in a can? Well too bad, mister, cause Ryan got the rose.

Twice as Nice: JP gets the second one-on-one date – although the hang out in pajamas after getting dumped by Bentley date really doesn’t count.  So what do they do? They hang out and have a totally non-Bachelorette type date. Over dinner, Ashley confesses to JP that she saw Bentley in Hong Kong and he took it like a champ. Ashley gives an overly long-winded offer of the rose to JP and he accepts. Now, I don’t want to ruin anything for you, but JP is the winner of this thing. How do I know? I just know. Don’t question my Bachelorette intuition. After all, as of last week I was in second place in the Nashville Bachelorette Fantasy League. That’s right. Ashley in her black bra and white shirt just fell for JP on the top of a roof while some other dude played some ancient Chinese instrument. Take it to the bank. Bank on it. It’s JP for the win.

Cocktails and Confessions: Ashley tells the guys about Bentley and they are pissed off. And by pissed off, I mean pissed off. Lucas got pretty mouthy. Maybe the rose gave him extra courage. Blake grills her as well (he doesn’t like playing second fiddle). JP considers her confession as selfless and honest. After Ashely runs off crying, JP and Ryan come to her defense. Ames (wearing yet another pair of white pants) proves that he’s the least manly man on the face of the planet when he starts talking about wanting a fairy tale. Mickey tells her that she lied and he doesn’t want to be there and she tells him to leave if he needs to and he does. At the rose ceremony, it comes down to Ames (who stands there like a side of beef) and Blake (who sort of looks like a weasel). Blake is sent home.

Bachelorette: Episode Four

The rules of phonics are pretty clear. The combination of the consonants “ph” produces the same sound as the singular letter “f.” For example, “phone” is pronounced “fone.” With this principle in mind, Phuket was the perfect place for this week’s episode of the Bachelorette.

The most exciting portion of this show was when the guys froliced  in testosterone-laced pandemonium when it was announced they would be going to Phuket. (Apparently, they thought it was pronounced with the “f” sound also. Silly boys…)

There was the standard Tourism Department video of Phuket, Thailand (the Seattle of the Orient) and Ashley met with Annie, the “Navigator” at the hotel to help plan her dates.

Constantine earned a solo date in which Ashley (allegedly) planned for them to take a boat to a private island. However, it was storming and they couldn’t use the boat. Apparently when Ashley was planning this date, she neglected to plan even the tiniest little plan B, so she spent considerable time looking lost and confused until Constantine suggested they go buy tacky Hawaiian shirts (because clearly, you can get some great Hawaiian shirts in Thailand). They hit the streets of Phuket and asked some old dude (via translator) for marriage tips, drank some beer on the side of the road and then ran in flip-flops down the slick street. I think they had dinner after that, but this whole date was so boring, I could hardly stay awake. The best part of this section of the program was listening to the guys back at the house talk about how Constantine has game and watching JP get so worked up about the fact that just about everyone had kissed Ashley, that I honestly thought that vein that sticks out of the left side of his forehead was going to explode (it didn’t, dammit). Even though this was the most boring date ever, I guess Ashley thought, “Aw, Phuket, I’ll give him a rose.”

Next was the group make out session, I mean date. It was raining, of course. Ashley let the guys know, in case they didn’t, that there had been a tsunami in Thailand a few years back. So to give back, they painted the interior of an orphanage. One of the guys decided to “stand out” by painting a mural on the wall, but I don’t remember which one it was. There was a lot of Ryan bashing. It appears that he is too happy for everyone else. But he doesn’t care. He even told Ashley that he was on the other guy’s nerves due to his positive attitude. But he is his own man. That’s right, he said, “Phuket, I can’t do anything about it; I’m just a happy guy.” Mural guy got the rose.

Ames had a one-on-one date in which he modeled several more styles from his extensive collection of white pants. They went kayaking or something like that (in the rain), and their chemistry was so cheesy that I had to sort of tune out so that I could keep down my chicken salad. Ames is easy on the eyes, if you like chiseled features, and the fact that he has real earning potential doesn’t hurt, either. Ashley spent most of the date calling him a nerd (but in a good way – whatever), but she gave him a rose anyway. He accepted the bloom, but he opted not to kiss her. This guy must be on the wrong show. Chris Harrison needs to read him the fine print where it says everyone has to kiss the chick whether they like her or not. I mean, please, Phuket, just kiss her.

At the rose ceremony, there was more making out and more Ryan bashing. Ashley grilled all of the guys about what they wanted and about past relationships. Then she told Chris Harrison that she knew she was supposed to send several guys home tonight, but Phuket, she only wanted to send one home. That’s right, West, sorry about your dead wife and all, oh, and by the way, I want every single person to stay here with me in Thailand – except you.

If you haven’t watched this episode yet, I highly recommend you invite all your friends over for a viewing. If you’d like to turn it into a drinking game, then simply have everyone do a shot whenever you head the word “Bentley.” You may want to go ahead and call a cab, because you’ll be hammered about thirty minutes in.

The highlight of tonight was Ashley’s voice over. After each date, kiss, and conversation with the various bachelors, she would exclaim, “(Insert name here) is exactly what I need to get over Bentley.” Come on, Ashley, Bentley will magically appear again next week to mess with your head some more. And we all know what you will say…”Phuket, I think I’ll take him back!”

Bachelorette: Episode Three

Tonight’s episode of the Bachelorette was so gruelingly awkward and uncomfortable to watch. The only thing I can think of that would be any worse would be to go with my mom for her annual gynecological exam. Seriously, it was bad, bad, bad.

William establishes himself as an ass about 45 seconds into the episode and just spirals deeper into assdom as the show goes on. It’s like he’s on a quest to prove that all cell phone salesmen are indeed jerks that enjoy giving everyday normal people grief. That’s too bad, because I was sort of cheering for him.

The Rain Maker got the first one on one date. It started with a dance lesson taught by and choreographed by Ashley because she’s a dentist – I mean, a dancer. Ben C. is clearly a lawyer. The date includes a flash mob, a performance by Far East Movement, awkward dancing and awkward kissing. At dinner, Ben says that he would like to have a relationship in an “unrealistic bubble.” Well, Ben, you’re off to a good start. He keeps doing this weird thing with his mouth while he’s talking. Is he trying to make sure his teeth are clean? Are his lips too small? What is going on with the lips? It’s like John Mayer singing only he’s not John Mayer so I can’t really get past it. Of course, he gets a rose.

Kudos to the producers, by the way, for playing creepy organ music during the masked Jeff’s confessional. Boy Wonder explains to us that this has been a “life changing experience.” I suppose so since he just went from being a totally random guy to being a guy the entire world considers a dork. I only wish he would have had raccoon tan lines on his face when he took the mask off. His first unmasked words? “Hi. I’m Jeff.” (We’re like 15 minutes into the episode and I’m already questioning if I can make it through it.) Ashley confesses, “Wow. He’s older than I thought.”

The group date is next and it’s a roast. Um, boys aren’t known for sensitivity and Ashley is like the world’s most ultra sensitive girl, so who thought this was going to be a good idea? Oh, yeah…the people at the studio in charge of watching the ratings. Ames is wearing a double shirt. That’s two shirts at once. Yes, a pullover polo with a button-down over it: collar on collar like he just stepped out of a J. Peterman catalog. He’s one ascot away from being Thurston Howell the Third.

The roast ends with Ashley in tears. Bentley finds her and takes the opportunity to “mess with her head” and she eats it up. The party portion of the date has the mood of a death-bed vigil. William decides he should leave instead of just saying, “it was a joke, that’s not really how I feel, and I’m sorry.” We see footage of Ashley talking to the various guys while she talks in voice over about how she can’t concentrate about what any of them are saying because she’s thinking about William leaving. Meanwhile, I can’t concentrate on what she is saying because I can’t stop thinking about how un-masked Jeff just told her that he adopted a three-legged dog. Really? That’s your opener? A three-legged dog? Man, put the damn mask back on.  Ryan P. is the first to actually comfort her and he gets both a kiss and the rose.

Ashley confronts Bentley and tells him that someone told her that he was coming on the show for the wrong reasons and was going to leave after about two weeks. He says it must have been Michelle Money and that she’s not a good source. Ashley buys his lame excuse. Next we hear Ashley’s confessional about how she’s in love with Bentley. Then we hear Bentley’s confessional about how he’s not into Ashley at all and that he’s going to leave. He packs his bags and tells all the guys in the house that he’s leaving because he misses his daughter. Then he confesses that they are all fools to buy it. As much of an arrogant ass as Bentley is, the worst part of this is that now I’m going to have to watch a montage of Ashley crying her eyes out followed by Bentley saying “I hope my hair looks good” over and over and over again for the rest of the season. Ugh! I can only take so much. He goes to Ashley and tells her that he’s leaving for his daughter and she buys it. He even says they should leave things with a “dot, dot, dot” instead of a “period.” I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.  If I wasn’t a member of the Bachelorette Fantasy League of Nashville and didn’t have money on the line, I’d be watching Jerseylicious right now.

Thank goodness for Jimmy Kimmel’s shameless use of Ashley’s pain to promote her appearance on his show tomorrow night to break the tension. I needed that.

JP gets a night in sweat pants with emotionally drained, eyeglass wearing Ashley. After a little smooching in front of the fire, she declares that JP kisses are better than Bentley kisses and pins a rose onto his t-shirt.

Chris Harrison and Ashley have a little chat at the mansion and discuss mostly Bentley. Ashley still thinks that Michelle Money was wrong about Bentley and tells Chris about “dot, dot, dot.” Chris clearly wants to grab her and shake her. He tells her that is a “guy thing” and that if Bentley really wanted to be there that he would have stayed. She totally ignores Chris and continues to chase the colorful butterflies that are dancing around the inside of her head. She opts to skip the cocktail party and Chris tells the guys they will go straight to the rose ceremony.

Going home tonight: Bentley (who left on his own), the un-masked man (who throws his mask into a fire on the way out), and some guy named Chris that I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.

Holy hell! William gets a rose! William gets a rose! Man, Ashley may need medication. I think that hair dye may have seeped into her brain and be causing a slight malfunction (although William is pretty hot).


And that’s the unexplainable, uncomfortable, unexpected happenings of the Bachelorette.

Episode 11, The Final Rose and Beyond

There really isn’t any reason for you to have missed the most dramatic rose ceremony ever last night on ABC’s the Bachelor. I mean, they drug the thing out for over three hours. But in case you missed it, here is my weekly re-cap.

I don’t know where you’re from, but I grew up in the South. And back in Sweet Home Alabama, as soon as a girl comes into this world she starts thinking about Football and Fantasy Dates. (She also gets excited about firearms, but we try to tone that down these days. It seems our love of guns has hindered us from advancing in the Fantasy Date department and we end up on an all girl tackle football team, not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

I had the distinct honor of watching the most dramatic rose ceremony ever with the Nashville Bachelor Fantasy League. This group watches the show religiously and makes their picks and predictions bracket style much like a Fantasy Football League. I’ve got to say, I haven’t been around this many crazed fans screaming at a television since my Alma Mater won the BCS Championship game back in January (War Eagle!). There was excitement in the air, and with good reason. This was the night that we would find out the outcome of the most controversial season ever of the Bachelor!

The episode began with the traditional summary footage of what has happened so far and Chris Harrison’s narration of what is about to come. Cape Town, South Africa got their money’s worth again with breathtaking views coupled with the Lion King soundtrack. Brad oozed about how important it is for his family to meet these women and we see Mom, his two brothers and their wives make it slowly up the mountainside through the lush vegetation. Luckily, there was a minuscule trail already there, so Mrs. Womack didn’t have to use a machete to make her way to her giddy son who stood on the balcony yelling for them to hurry up. Mom dressed the part in a leopard print sweater set and Brad started bawling like a baby as soon as he saw them. His twin, Chad, looked less identical to him this season, but I assume if I looked exactly like someone who every woman in America hated, I’d drop some pounds and change my haircut, too. The family rallies to express to the world that Brad is a changed man and that this time it is for real. He tells them that he is going to propose this time around and everyone just couldn’t be happier.

Chantal comes to meet the family first, and Brad foreshadows the Good vs. Evil theme when she arrives and he says “speak of the devil.” She meets the family wearing an odd, backless potato sack shirt and immediately tells them that she is in love with “Bradly.” She tells the brothers that she would marry Brad right on the spot if he asked her and they ate that up. They think that since she was married before that she must be taking this seriously. The brothers have a tribal semi-circle on the rocks below the house to discuss Chantal while she sits and talks with Brad’s mom. She tells her that she would rather be alone than with the wrong person. She said her favorite times with Brad have been their real world moments. Although everyone was drinking white wine before Chantal’s arrival, now everyone has switched to red wine – switching to the dark side. On her way out, she tells Brad that it’s over and he’s hers. He tells her “Easy, I don’t want to tell you that.” To which she responds, “Don’t then.” Whoa, personal foul, fifteen yards, still first down. If they hadn’t been smiling, that dialog would have almost seemed like two kids fighting in the sandbox.

Emily shows up in a very tasteful dress and Brad jumps up with excitement when the doorbell rings. It takes about four seconds for things to get awkward when Brad’s brother asks about her family and it comes out that she has a daughter. This is a game changer for everyone. Whistle blows; too many  men on the field, five yard penalty, still first down. Wes asks if Ricki’s father would mind if they moved to Austin and Emily shared with them that her baby daddy was dead, although the word dead has still never been said. It is always explained as “the plane didn’t make it there.” Emily gets extra points for courage and perseverance and has already won the game as far as Brad’s family is concerned. Back at the tribal rock, Chad points out that if Brad chooses Emily that it will be an instant family and that there would be no more quiet nights at home watching T.V. and Brad tells them he’s ready. His brothers are blown away that Brad lights up when talking about both Emily and her daughter. Emily and Mrs. Womack bond as mothers and Pamela slips into her Team Emily jersey as she cries in confessional about how great Emily is. As Emily leaves, the camera catches her bracelet with the letters JRH in diamonds. (Before you jump to conclusions that it stands for her boyfriend that didn’t make it there, Joseph Riddick Hendrick IV, her daughter’s full name is Josephine Riddick Hendrick, so I’m going to go with that.)

During some family time, after meeting both women, Brad tries to be nice and say he has his work cut out for him, but it’s clear that the Womacks are all on Team Emily. The women like that she’s a mom and on their level. Chad gets two points for calling Emily poised and Pamela says that Emily is the whole package and says that she thinks Emily is the girl that he’s going to marry. Even though Brad says that his family has made it clear that Emily is the girl for him, we still have over an hour left so it’s time to go on some dates.

Brad decides to take Chantal’s fear of water up another notch and plans for them to swim with the sharks. By swim with the sharks, he means get in a wetsuit, climb in a cage secured to the side of a boat and have somebody lure a shark over to them by dangling a giant fish head on a hook in front of them. None of this was dangerous enough to make it to Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, but they act like it was the most amazing thing since the invention of fire. I’m sure they had some typical lovey dovey conversation afterward, but I couldn’t focus on anything but Chantal’s cleavage. I haven’t seen that much boob protruding from behind a single zipper since Tara Buckman and Adrienne Barbeau got pulled over in their Lamborghini Countach in Cannonball Run. That night they share some wine and Chantal gives Brad a little map she made charting their journey together. She gushes the whole time about how amazing everything is and how she loves Brad. It is so over the top desperate that I’m surprised Brad doesn’t break out into hives. Penalty, intentional holding, ten yard penalty, still third down. As Brad leaves the date, his body language makes it pretty clear that Chantal will not be getting a after the half time show proposal.

Emily arrives for her date with a pair of boots and the world’s shortest shirt-dress. Not only is this the windiest day in the history of South Africa, it is the first recorded partial lunar eclipse in the middle of the day as Emily jumps out of the helicopter and exposes her right butt-cheek. Offsides on the shirt-dress, penalty is declined, the play stands. Brad continues his streak of ho-hum dates with Emily and they spend their time chatting on the side of a cliff. Brad sits awkwardly to the front of Emily so that the camera man can film her without being exposed to her Southern Hospitality. (That looked like blocking to me, the refs must have missed it.) That night, Brad goes to Emily’s room for some more conversation. It’s at this point that I notice that Emily constantly tugs up the left side of whatever top she is wearing. Is her left boob larger than the other? What is the deal with this? She did it earlier with Brad’s mom in the purple dress. She does it later in the white dress. She does it at the After the Final Rose show. She has done it every single episode in every single outfit. She does it constantly. Oh my goodness, Oh my Lord, I just missed half of what they were saying because I was so concerned about the size of her left boob. Brad tells Emily that he’s all in and wants to be a real father to Ricki. He all but gets on one knee. Emily wants him to make sure that he is serious and points out that it will not all be fun and games and that it will not be coming home to watching football every night. Brad starts to have a panic attack and excuses himself to get some water. Emily fears she may have screwed the pooch (as they say back in her neck of the woods) and everyone in the Nashville Bachelor Fantasy League breaks into mild hysterics. Look, I’ve got kids. I see where she is coming from. Plus, isn’t this the same thing that Chad said to him back in the tribal semi-circle? What’s the big deal? False start, proposing without really proposing, fifteen yard penalty, fourth and long.

We’re getting close, kids! Brad spends some time at his favorite place, the balcony and the recap with Brad’s voice-over begins. We see Emily wake up like a fairy princess in her sleeper set with little hearts all over it and then we see Chantal heave open her curtains in her sports bra and wife-beater. Their journeys unfold before our eyes and the voice-over is edited in such a way that we think Chantal may have a chance after all. All the while, Chantal soaks up the sun with a stout beer, Emily stares up into the heavens and Brad walks around taking a lot of really deep breaths. Neil Lane shows up with some pretty impressive bobbles and Brad selects one of the most fantastic engagement rings in the history of man. Brad tells Mr. Lane about the first time he went through this and about how he didn’t pick anyone. The jeweler just looks at him like, “Dude, I’m just here for the free air time, I really don’t care,” and then Brad heads back to the balcony for more heavy breathing. Chantal spends her afternoon crying in her room to the camera, while Emily spends her afternoon thinking about possibly trying to cry, but tugging at the left side of her dress instead.

Brad puts on one of the most impeccable suits I’ve ever seen off of the red carpet and heads to the rose ceremony site. Chantal and Emily finish up their make up and slip into their dresses. Chantal picks out a devilish, black, one shouldered number with a feather flower detail at the top. One of the NBFL members, pointed out that this was a good choice since black is slimming. Emily chooses a creamy white, draped dress suitable for the Greek goddess of goodness that she is. Even though white is not slimming, she still looks like a million bucks. As Brad waits at the ceremony site we listen to more voice-over and wonder who it will be.

Chantal is the first to arrive, and although they certainly can edit this anyway they want, it’s pretty clear by the look on Brad’s face, that she isn’t getting the rose. She walks down to Brad thinking about how thin the black dress is making her look, completely unaware that the hangar strap is protruding out of the top left side of her dress. Brad is trying his best to smile, but all he can muster is a grimace at best. About four seconds into it, it’s pretty clear that Chantal can just hang it up. Luckily for her, the hangar strap is just about completely out of her dress now, so hanging it up will be relatively easy. She cries her eyes out as Brad tells her that he loves someone else more. She is gracious enough and says that Emily is a lucky girl and he walks her back to the limo. Once in the limo, she has a complete come apart; partially because she just got dumped and partially because the Spanx she’s wearing make it impossible for her to breathe. Whatever brand of  mascara she’s wearing is some serious stuff, because she’s got tears under her nose, below her chin and rolling down her cleavage and that stuff hasn’t run a bit.

As soon as Chantal has left, Emily arrives in a cloud of love and light. Rainbows burst into the sky and little bunnies hop along the walkway as she makes her way to Brad. Butterflies dance about and birds sing as Brad stands at the end of the walkway waiting for Emily. He cannot contain his happiness. He tells her how wonderful she is and how great she makes him feel and asks her to spend forever with him. As he drops to one knee and pulls out the ring, he asks for her hand and she says yes. The both get caught up in kisses and I love yous, and the fans go crazy! It’s Emily for the win! It’s Emily for the win! It’s Emily for the wiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn! And with one final highlight reel of Brad and Emily’s best plays, we are ushered into the post-game wrap up show, After the Final Rose.

After the Final Rose:

The audience is all a flutter as Chris Harrison welcomes everyone to the show. He wastes no time in bringing out the first guest, the girl who didn’t win, Chantal. The girl must have taken her heartbreak out on the Treadmill, because she looks amazing. Break-up’s been very, very good to her, as it looks like she’s dropped about thirty pounds.  It takes her about 2.4 seconds to start tearing up and express that she still doesn’t understand why she wasn’t the one. But she says that she doesn’t have regrets at all. They bring Brad out to join the interview. I haven’t witnessed anything more awkward on a sofa since Tom Cruise jumped up and down on Oprah Winfrey’s back in 2005.  Chantal pushes Brad to tell her when he knew he didn’t love her. He told her he didn’t want to hurt her and was as respectful as he could be, but she kept pushing the issue until he basically told her that he just didn’t love her. Late hit, unsportsmanlike conduct, fifteen yard penalty, and you’re out of the game. Brad realizes that Chantal is crying and not laughing and they hug it out. Next Chantal reveals that she has a new boyfriend anyway, and that if not for the process through the Bachelor, she probably wouldn’t have been in this new relationship. Wait a minute. Why is she sitting here scrutinizing game footage when she has moved on to another sport? If you watch this later on video, this would be a good time to fast forward. After a commercial, The crowd gasps as they find out that Brad and Emily have broken up, gotten back together, set a wedding date, changed a wedding date and may or  may not still be engaged. After small talk with Brad and another commercial, they bring out Emily (sans engagement ring) and she glides across the stage and sits next to Brad. She has taken a makeover cue from Ashley H. and her hair is the slightest bit darker. She has transformed from Barbie Fairy Princess to Grace Kelley. They discuss how the media has blown things out of proportion or in some cases just made things up. Brad expresses that he is in love with Emily and that he will marry her. Emily says that they are still engaged as she tugs up the left side of her dress, however, she is not ready to get married right now. Delay of game, half the distance to the goal, first down. She tells the world that Brad has a temper (Although it doesn’t seem to be as bad as Jake Pavelka. Of course, in Jake’s defense, that Vienna chick could make Mother Teresa want to punch somebody.) Emily talks about how hard it was to watch Brad go through the motions with the other girls on the show. She also pointed out that she seemed boring on T.V. because she had dates that consisted of flying kites and having picnics instead of jumping from cliffs and swimming with sharks. Chris Harrison brings up that perhaps she is once again trying to sabotage this relationship (like she has confessed is an issue with her) and Chris brings out some past Bachelor couples. Am I the only person that feels like the Bachelor just did a crossover to that Intervention show? Holy crap, it’s a live intervention for Emily right here on ABC! Pass interference, five yards, spot is at the goal. Chris asks her what it is that she questions and has the other couples try to talk some sense into her.

Jason and Molly point out that bloggers (such as myself), the media and even the shows as they air don’t really matter and that they should focus on each other and Ricki. Since Jason had a child prior to doing the Bachelor, and since he was once “the most hated man in America” after “the most controversial moment of Bachelor history,” they certainly are qualified to start off the intervention. Ryan (of Trista and Ryan) says they need to move forward together. He brought up some analogy about being in a row-boat together and paddling toward the island of utopia. Alli shares how Roberto always reminds her that it’s “just us” and that no one else in the world matters, nor do the things they have to say. Roberto shares how seeing things on the show really confused him, but that he had to just trust that in the end he is with his soul-mate and the show didn’t matter. Chris points out again that the Bachelor contestants of the past are really a family and that they are always there for each other.

After the break, Emily and Brad get to watch the footage of their proposal, which they have not yet seen. They utilize the screen in screen option so that we can watch Emily melt into Brad like butter on hot toast. (Kudos to one of the NBFL members who pointed out that in the show footage, the ring box carried the Neil Lane logo inside, but in this footage the rig box did not.) Emily seems to have come around and Brad pulls out the amazing Neil Lane ring (that has been properly sized) and slides it once again on her finger. Everyone is smiles and giggles and it seems like the Bachelor franchise is back on top in the Championship of Love. Chris Harrison thanks everyone, reiterates that the couple are indeed engaged and does a quick plug for the upcoming Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad.

But wait, there’s more! Flash forward to Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I have to say, I was secretly hoping they would choose Madison as the next Bachelorette. They could film it in Forks and the winner would not only win her heart, but they would get to become immortal. But I guess the producers at ABC figured there would be a bigger draw for plates of cheese fries with gravy and free dental work. That’s right, Jimmy Kimmel announced the next Bachelorette is Ashley Herbert. (You know, she’s from Madawaska, Maine, up there next to Canada where there is a huge French influence. She told us that on her hometown date. So try to remember that her name is not pronounced as the American Herbert, but the French way, with a silent H and a silent first R and a silent T: like “A Bear.” Here, I’ll use it in a sentence. “Don’t poke a bear.”) Ashley walked out in a foil embellished swim suit cover up and took a seat next to Jimmy. Apparently Ashley didn’t get the memo that you only highlight either leg or boob and never both simultaneously, or she just figured that since her boobs are not yet fully developed that it didn’t count. Jimmy clarified that she was not yet a dentist and asked her how many dates she’d been on since birth, but honestly I was in such a state of shock from being exposed to her nether-regions as she tried to unsuccessfully sit in a lady-like fashion in her beach-wear, that I could hardly pay attention. If Scotch brands wasn’t backstage after the show to film her for a commercial for double stick tape, they missed a golden opportunity. She was taped into that outfit like J-Lo in that green Versace number she wore to the 2000 Grammys. Who dressed this girl? Isn’t this considered part of a press junket by ABC? Doesn’t she have a stylist? Good grief, she looked like a ten-year-old choir boy in drag! Jimmy had her swear on a People magazine to say “amazing” eight million times and to not pick any cry-babies or total jerks, and then officially pronounced her the nest Bachelorette. Immediately after the interview, Guillermo brought out a wheelbarrow filled with long-stem red roses. He quickly gathered them up while trying to look away and handed them to Ashley. I’m still not sure if it was simply a nice gesture or if he just wanted her to cover up.

And that’s what you missed on the Bachelor.

Episode 10: The Women Tell Off, I Mean, All.

In case you were one of the .0000001 million people in America high on the new designer drug, Charlie Sheen, and were too blitzed out of your mind to watch the Bachelor, here is what you missed.

The episode began with a video conversation between host, Chris Harrison and Bachelor, Brad Womack. They did a quick review beginning with the first night in order to catch us all up to speed. They featured Chantal O. emerging from the limo (twenty pounds lighter than she was by the time they got to the fantasy dates) and promptly slapping Brad. Ashley H. was shown on the carnival date, which still ranks as Brad’s best first date ever. Madison bore her fangs and Brad reiterated that he liked the fangs and he liked her. He commended her for leaving on her own when she knew she wasn’t the one for him. We were treated to his roof-top “steak and leakage” date with Shawntel N. and Brad gave himself a pat on the back for being a trooper. Chris pondered how Michelle got that black eye and Brad told us all that “she had game and I was blindsided by her beauty.”

We returned to the live audience filled with women of an average median age of 45, wearing argyle sweaters and sporting the latest in Botox technology. There was enough Aqua Net in the room to pierce the ozone immediately above the studio in about 20 seconds flat. There were a few middle-aged, overweight husbands speckled throughout the audience that had given crappy Christmas gifts or forgotten anniversaries that were there to serve out whatever penance or punishment due them as a result of their erroneous ways.

Before I could wonder how they would stretch this episode out to two hours, Chris Harrison announced a Bachelor cast reunion and we were treated to footage of a party and a promise of Bachelor Pad 2 to air this summer. The previous contestants downed alcoholic beverages while they talked about “instant bonds” and how everything with the Bachelor was “easy.” Some touched tongues while others made out in the swimming pool. We were treated to Casey who is now looking for someone to guard and protect his heart instead of the other way around. Rozlyn reviewed her inappropriate relationship and Vienna oozed about how she would do well on the Bachelor Pad because women may not like her, but men always do because she is a schemer. Gia explained the “Rule of Skank” and Chris called them all “one big bizarre Bachelor family.”

Next we were reintroduced to the women of this season. Raichel flashed a double peace sign and Marissa gave us the classic beauty queen wave of elbow-elbow-wrist-wrist. Ashley H. debuted her Going Rouge look with long dark hair; cementing her future as a Sarah Palin impersonator by giving a two thumbs up. Madison was fangless and looked a little more blonde. Chris pointed out how quickly everything seemed to escalate at the house this season and we were treated to video of the girls talking about how hot Brad is and then going into confessional footage of all the girls talking about each other. They did a small box in the left corner of the screen with the live reactions of the girls as they watched it unfold. They each took turns making shocked and embarrassed faces as if they were seeing the footage for the first time. Then everyone starts talking about Michelle as she is shown in the little box.

After Lisa makes an attempt to defend Michelle, all of the other girls start busting on her and saying she was even meaner in confessional than in person. This many screaming girls haven’t jumped on one person since Elvis took America by storm. Jackie calls her creepy and scary like a spider and Michelle starts crying. She tries to defend herself and apologize, but no one will let her. Then Ashley H. starts crying and defending Michelle saying she’s a good person. Madison jumps in to defend her for at least being honest.

After a break, Mellissa is in the “hot seat.” We review via video the drama that is Mellissa and learn what it means to “pull a Mellissa.” Everyone enjoys bashing her, especially Raichel who says she was sent home because of Mellissa. Chris asks Mellissa what went wrong (other than her onion breath) and she claims that she didn’t initiate any of it. Raichel then calls Mellissa about 20 adjectives, none of them flattering. Jackie points out that Brad didn’t want to be with either of them because they acted like fools. Mellissa wishes love and light to everyone while tearing up. At this point, I’m wondering if they passed out estrogen tablets before the show started. I realize they all lived together for a month; maybe they are all still on the same menstrual cycle and are all just heavy into the PMS. Kleenex should have been a title sponsor of this episode. They would have gotten their money’s worth for sure.

Next Michelle is on the sofa next to Chris. She talks about how she was there for the right reasons, how she left her daughter to be there and how she thinks she was misunderstood. Chris says he thinks her strong side is a defense mechanism. She agrees to a point but claims she isn’t really strong while other girls roll their eyes. Chris found her to be entertaining and says that he enjoyed her narration of the show. Michelle then explains sarcasm and defends herself again. The girls don’t seem to understand the concept of a defense mechanism and Michelle starts sobbing uncontrollably. She regrets leaving her daughter resulting in a collective “Awwwww” from the audience. Michelle says that she really wants to find love (perhaps vying for the next Bachelorette spot?). Stacey acts as ring-leader and the other girls start jumping all over Michelle and claiming that she put herself before her daughter. They are so mean and ruthless that Chris Harrison has to chastise them like little children. He tells them to lay off of her and they cut to commercial so she can pull it together. Most of the women continue to sit there like heartless bitches, and damn it if my maternal instinct doesn’t kick in and I start feeling sorry for Michelle. I wish the “ladies” would cut it out so I could go back to hating her for the crazy that she is. Michelle tells Stacey that she has no right to judge her as a mother. At this point, I notice what Michelle is wearing. It’s like this Flintstone’s tank top with an orange faux grass weave print skirt. I can’t even hear words anymore because I’m so distracted by her outfit. Chris tells Jackie that “you have a problem with Michelle because Brad didn’t – isn’t that your real problem?” A few girls defend her again and say they like her. Michelle closes by saying that Brad needs someone like Emily and says that Emily is the opposite of her. Finally, Michelle seems to have broken free from the crazy and has seen the light.

Ashley S. is now in the hot seat. Video plays of her relationship with Brad up until she got cut in Vegas. She talks about how she said she was giving up on love, but says that she knows there is someone for her. Her accent is so thick that she needs subtitles, and I’m from Alabama, so that’s saying a lot. She wants more closure from Brad and would like for him to point out specifically what is wrong with her so that she can fix it. Really? This chick needs therapy. Maybe she and Michelle could get a two for one special.

Ashley H. gets her turn on the couch. Video of her time with Brad plays on the giant jumbotron. As it plays I am preoccupied with her pronunciation of words. Ever since a fellow Bachelor blogger pointed out how she puts the letter A into words that don’t have A’s in them, all I can do is listen for them. She says “I’m a hagger” instead of “I’m a hugger.” She is “upsat” instead of “upset.” She refers to herself as “mysalf” instead of “myself.” “Strang” for “strong,” “exat” for “exit,” the list goes on and on. Or as Ashley H. would say, “the last goes an and an.” During her video, they show her face in the little live video box in the corner. All I see is her red lips. She never wore red lipstick on the show. This must be part of the new and improved Ashley H. After the video, Chris asks her about a hundred times why she didn’t believe Brad when he said he had feelings for her. He then tells her that he feels bad for her. She says she has regrets and feels like she messed everything up. Chris asks her if it was love and she finally admits that she was in love with Brad, but she’s moving forward and excited to date again (as the next Bachelorette?). She addresses her hair color and says it’s her natural color. Then she does this odd deep voice thing and says she feels like a changed woman. Huh? Did she not get one of those estrogen pills they were passing out before the show?

Brad comes out and Shawntel sneers at him. He mentions his significant other and then notices Ashley H’s new look. He admits that he cried (while eating quiche, maybe?) when he saw Ashley S’s exit on television. He tells her that she would make a good wife, but he was just feeling more deeply for other women. Too bad he couldn’t have just told her that when he dumped her. He said he would defend Michelle until he was blue in the face and that he thought she was funny. He stated that the reason he let her go was that he thought they were too much alike. Ashley H. thanked him for everything, he told her she was exceptional and that she helped him know that this process could really work and they hugged.

Not to be outdone by Oprah, we were shown some random footage of Chris Harrison and Brad Womack, Humanitarians at Large, as they visited a preschool in South Africa. They donated a solar-powered hot water heater and pledged to sponsor some kids. They sang songs and played soccer with the kids. I suppose it was nice to know that the Bachelor gives back instead of just romping around on elephants and having sex in trees.

Brad tells us that he knew in South Africa that he had found his wife and that he is now happier than he has ever been in his life. He says the unannounced winning lady has changed his life and he falls more and more in love with her every day. He proceeds to get all choked up and Chris congratulates him and adds that he’s glad it worked out considering he wasn’t going to be given a third chance.

They aired the annual blooper reel that included some random naked guy walking around on the beach behind Brad and his brothers. Brad says he has no regrets and they roll a video about the two “incredible women” that Brad has to choose from as Brad narrates his feelings in such a way that if you really tried hard, you may actually believe that Chantal O. stands a chance, even though we all know she doesn’t. My dad knew this guy once that described his second wife in relation to his first wife as “Betty covers Susan like a quarter covers a dime.” Three guesses between Emily and Chantal who is the quarter and who is the dime.

The episode closes with previews of the final rose. We see Chantal and Emily arrive at the cape; Emily in angelic white and Chantal in a feathered black number. Good vs. Evil…who will prevail? Thank goodness this episode is over. I feel like I needed a Xanax. It’s like I just watched my kids fight over the last brownie for two hours straight.

And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.