Category Archives: Conversations

A collection of the conversations that I either overhear between my children or end up being involved. I never know where a simple question or seemingly innocent statement may lead…

French

We were on our way to Target. The boys were in the back seat of the Jeep arguing, as usual.

Scout: “Mom, make him stop. He’s being a jerk.”

Me: “Ya’ll please just settle down and be nice to each other.”

Scout: “Mom, I can’t take it. He’s acting all French.”

Me: “He’s not being that bad, Scout.”

Scout: “Fine. He’s being French Canadian.”

Presidential Playhouse

Dozier:  “We have a play coming up at school where we have to dress up and be Presidents.”

Corey: “Awesome. Which President are you going to be?”

Dozier: “I don’t know yet.”

Corey: “Do you get to choose? Who would you choose? You could go with someone cool like Kennedy.”

Dozier: “Kennedy got his head blown off. Why would I want to be Kennedy?”

Corey: “Kennedy is consistently ranked as one of the most influential Presidents of all time.”

Dozier: “Yeah, he influenced other Presidents to ride with the top up.”

Scout: “Be Lincoln! You could just sit there and watch a play and some dude could come blow your head off with a machine gun!”

Corey: “John Wilkes Booth didn’t have a machine gun, Scout.”

Scout: “But he could in the play.”

Corey: “How about Reagan?”

Dozier: “Who?”

Corey: “I know you didn’t just ask who. Reagan is only the most super awesome President ever. During his presidency, we were introduced to Reaganomics.”

Dozier: “Whom-a what-a?”

Corey: “Reaganomics.  That’s a plan to reduce government spending and regulation and to give tax breaks on things like capital gains. It’s a pretty big deal.”

Dozier: “Yeah, it sounds really exciting, Mom.”

Corey: “Well, if that’s not good enough for you, he also introduced Star Wars to protect the United States from the threat of countries that had nuclear weapons, like Russia.”

Scout: “Russia? I thought everybody had nuclear weapons in Star Wars.”

Corey: “Star Wars was what the initiative was commonly called. It dealt with Weapons of Mass Destruction and the Cold War and satellites and stuff. It wasn’t the movie, Star Wars. Ronald Reagan had nothing to do with Star Wars the movie.”

Dozier: “So you’re saying Reagan wrote the book Star Wars? Awesome, I’ll be him.”

Inalienable Rights

We were in a hurry at the local Kroger. I wanted to get home quickly before Glee started. Dozier wanted to go to the toy section.

Me: “Don’t talk back to me, Doe, I’m tired of it.”

Dozier: “The Constitution ensures that I have the inalienable right of free speech.”

Me: “You are correct; unless it encroaches on the freedom of others. And if Child Protective Services sends me to jail for kicking your butt in Kroger, your free speech will encroach on my freedom to sit on the sofa, watch Glee and eat this spinach dip.”

Grill Master

I was grilling lunch when Dozier brought me a beer in my favorite can koozie.

Dozier: “Mom, it’s pretty amazing the way you’re such a master of the grill. Most ladies stick to ovens and microwaves.”

Me: “It’s Saturday, Dozier, not 1950.”

Dozier: “Think what you want; I don’t know any other ladies that grill.”

Me: “Considering how large your group of lady friends is, sure, make a completely sexist assumption.”

Dozier: “Cool.”

Boobie Pageant

I was drying my hair when Scout walked in.

Scout: “Hey, Mom! Is there such a thing as a Boobie Pageant?”

Corey: “There’s a thing called a Beauty Pageant.”

Scout: “Oh. (long pause) Yeah, that’s not so interesting.”

And he walked off.

Fried Chicken

I fried chicken for dinner.

Me: “Now, Boys, ya’ll be careful. This is super hot.”

Scout: “I’ll tell you what’s super hot…You are, Mama!”

I grin.

Dozier: “Butt-kisser!”

Me: “Dozier, don’t call people butt-kisser.”

Dozier: “Oh, please, don’t tell me you’re buying this crap.”

Me: “Be quiet and eat your scalding hot chicken.”

Purple Flag

I stood with Dozier on the balcony watching the water crash beneath them.

Me: “Why is there a purple flag?”

Dozier: “It signifies the probability of dangerous aquatic animals.”

Me: “Seriously?”

Dozier: “Seriously.”

Me: “How do you know that?”

Dozier: “DUH! It’s common sense.”

Me: “For real. Did you read it in a book; see it on T.V.?”

Dozier: “You really should get out more.”