Monthly Archives: December 2009

Half a Preacher

Scout: “Hot Mama, when I was a baby in diapers, did you enter me in competitions against other babies in diapers?”

Me: “No.”

Scout: “That’s too bad. You should have. I would have been a baby star. I’m better than a star now. I’m an artist. I’m half a preacher. I know a lot about bugs, and I never give up when it comes to dangerous stuff. Why don’t we ever give Tommy milk?”

Me: “We just don’t.”

Scout: “We should some time. Cats like milk.”

Me: “O.K.”

Scout: “What does satisfied mean?”

Me: “To be content.”

Scout: “I’m never satisfied.”

Me: “Tell me about it.”

Scout: “I do my talking with my head and not my knuckles.”

Me: *sigh*

Scout: “What?”

Me: “Go to sleep, please.”

His eyes close and……he’s out.

A Conversation in Bed Way Past Bed Time

Scout: “Hot Mama, when I was a baby in diapers, did you enter me in competitions against other babies in diapers?”

Me: “No.”

Scout: “That’s too bad. You should have. I would have been a baby star. I’m better than a star now. I’m an artist. I’m half a preacher. I know a lot about bugs, and I never give up when it comes to dangerous stuff. Why don’t we ever give Tommy milk?”

Me: “We just don’t.”

Scout: “We should some time. Cats like milk.”

Me: “O.K.”

Scout: “What does satisfied mean?”

Me: “To be content.”

Scout: “I’m never satisfied.”

Me: “Tell me about it.”

Scout: “I do my talking with my head and not my knuckles.”

Me: *sigh*

Scout: “What?”

Me: “Go to sleep, please.”

His eyes close and……he’s out.

Ferris Wheel

I was on the Ferris wheel swinging in the top bucket with Scout.

Scout: “I’m scared, Mom. I don’t think this is stable.”

Me: “You’re fine, Doll. Look! That little girl is younger than you and she’s in a bucket by herself!”

Scout: “Yeah. Poor girl’s too young to understand danger.”

I want my life to be like a musical: a show tune written out of procrastination.

For those of you that were interested in yesterday’s act of procrastination, here are the lyrics to my show tune about wanting my life to be like a musical. The tune to which it is set is, of course, fabulous, and when I sing it, I use a lot of jazz hands. Enjoy!

I want my life to be like a musical where everyone sings and dances.
I want my life to be like a musical filled with happy romances.
I want the boys to dance and sing a song – never dull or flat.
I want shoes for every wardrobe change and never to look fat.
I want my leading man to understand the timing of a joke.
It would be nice if he were gainfully employed instead of broke.
He should know all his lines ahead of time and have timing to his wit.
He should laugh out loud and stand up proud and never give me shit.
All of the girls around this one horse town would always smile and speak
Instead of muttering their petty things behind a back because they’re weak.
If they will only lose the attitude I’d even share the fame
When I’m on all the shows everybody knows I’ll even stay the same.
I’ll travel back to here and I’ll buy a beer for everyone I know.
And we will raise our glass and lament the past and how we miss them so.
Then I will pack my gear and get out of here as quickly as I came
And some young version of me will picture how it could be if her life wasn’t so lame.
She’ll want her life to be like a musical where everyone dances and sings.
She’ll want her life to be like a musical with choreography for everything.
She’ll want the boys to sway as they serenade her morning, noon and night.
She’ll want pretty clothes and a perky nose and to always look just right.
But up until that day I am afraid my life will just remain
Not really much to see; mediocrity, nothing but mundane.
If only God would grant one single rant I’d stop all this campaigning.
I would thank the Lord that I’m no longer bored and I’d be so entertaining.
Because my life would be like a musical filled with songs and dancing.
Yes, my life would be like a musical, all the boys my way’d be glancing.
I wouldn’t have a job but wouldn’t be a snob because I would be the star.
I’d brighten every day with my charming ways and I’d be able to play guitar.

Good Times and Pregnancy: A Conversation with Scout

While flipping channels on TV, it lands on one of the Kardashian girls having an ultra-sound.

Scout: “That girl’s going to have a baby.”

Me: “Yep.”

Scout: “She can’t smoke while she’s pregnant.”

Me: (turn to look at him) “That is correct.”

Scout: “She also can’t take drugs while she is pregnant.”

Me: (leaning forward) “That is also correct.”

Scout: “She also shouldn’t drink alcohol while she’s pregnant.”

Me: (raising one eyebrow) “Where did you learn all this?”

Scout: “School.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Scout: “Nah.” (shrugs his shoulders) “Hey, Mom, remember when I was like three…maybe four years old?”

Me: “Yes.”

Scout: “Yeah, those were good times…good times.”

(Scout walks off)

Winky

Conversation while lying in bed with Scout:

Scout: “Hey, Mom, I made a wish.”

Me: “A wish?”

Scout: “Yes, a wish. At school. There’s this elf. His name is Winky, and I made a wish to him. We all made wishes.”

Me: “You have an elf at school?”

Scout: “Yes. Winky. He’s real. He’s in my classroom and he moves around every night. I made a wish to him.”

Me: “What did you wish for?”

Scout: “I wished for an iPod and a dog and a new brother.”

Me: “I can see an iPod and maybe even in the future a dog, but I don’t think Winky is going to be able to grant you another brother.”

Scout: “Why not?”

Me: “Scout, I don’t have a uterus.”

Scout: “But in the story kids get unrealistic wishes! Why can’t that happen in real life?”

Me: “That’s the difference between stories and real life, Sweet Potato.”

Scout: “Well, I guess I don’t have to have a NEW brother. Maybe Winky can just make Dozier nicer.”

Me: “I think you should focus on an iPod.”