Monthly Archives: June 1990

Bachelorette: Episode Six

High Road to China: Bentley is in Hong Kong. Shut Up! Seriously? Are you kidding? Really? Yes, Ashley. Chris Harrison would never mess with your head like that. That’s what Bentley is for. Why didn’t he just call? Is he taking the high road? Of course not; he’s here for the vacay!  Without the mental lubricant of the cocktail party beverages, Ashley could see clearly and realized Bentley was/is a toad. Bye-bye Bentley!

Ain’t Nothing Going to Break My Stride:  After eating some delicious fried pig intestines, Ashley takes a little row boat in China to help get to know Lucas, or as I call him, that non-descript blonde guy. He decides he needs to get his laundry clean and tells Ashley all about his divorce. She still has questions, but gives him the rose. But wait! The season is almost over and they haven’t kissed. Oh, no, they did kiss on the boat. It was just so non-descript that I didn’t notice.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat: For the group date, the guys split up into teams of two and had to recruit random street people to join their rowing team. Everyone just happened to run into English speaking dragon boat crew members with the exception of Team Groban.  Josh Groban’s long lost twins, Constantine Groban and Ben Groban couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag. But they bought some super awesome bath robes and exchanged quite possibly the most bromantic bonding moment of Bachelorette history. Groban One: “Dude, we’re getting smoked.” Groban Two: “Like salmon.” After the boat battle, there’s lots of making out between Ashley and most of the guys and lots of Ryan bashing between all of the guys except Ryan, of course. What’s that, Groban? You don’t like cheese in a can? Well too bad, mister, cause Ryan got the rose.

Twice as Nice: JP gets the second one-on-one date – although the hang out in pajamas after getting dumped by Bentley date really doesn’t count.  So what do they do? They hang out and have a totally non-Bachelorette type date. Over dinner, Ashley confesses to JP that she saw Bentley in Hong Kong and he took it like a champ. Ashley gives an overly long-winded offer of the rose to JP and he accepts. Now, I don’t want to ruin anything for you, but JP is the winner of this thing. How do I know? I just know. Don’t question my Bachelorette intuition. After all, as of last week I was in second place in the Nashville Bachelorette Fantasy League. That’s right. Ashley in her black bra and white shirt just fell for JP on the top of a roof while some other dude played some ancient Chinese instrument. Take it to the bank. Bank on it. It’s JP for the win.

Cocktails and Confessions: Ashley tells the guys about Bentley and they are pissed off. And by pissed off, I mean pissed off. Lucas got pretty mouthy. Maybe the rose gave him extra courage. Blake grills her as well (he doesn’t like playing second fiddle). JP considers her confession as selfless and honest. After Ashely runs off crying, JP and Ryan come to her defense. Ames (wearing yet another pair of white pants) proves that he’s the least manly man on the face of the planet when he starts talking about wanting a fairy tale. Mickey tells her that she lied and he doesn’t want to be there and she tells him to leave if he needs to and he does. At the rose ceremony, it comes down to Ames (who stands there like a side of beef) and Blake (who sort of looks like a weasel). Blake is sent home.

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Bachelorette: Episode Five

Date One: Thailand.  Ashley wants it to be fun, but like real life. Therefore, an off camera assistant gets stuck lugging around all the crap she and Ben F. purchase while they spend the day as carefree tourists in the market. Other highlights: mental kissing and seersucker shorts. At dinner, Ashley wears a ridiculous romper and Ben says he never let himself love anyone because he was too much in love with his father. What? Paging Dr. Freud. Ben gets the rose.

Group Date: Ultimate Fighting Championship.   Unfortunately, the only thing Ames ever hit was the books. After a few moments in the ring, Ames is taken to the hospital. He shows up later looking dapper in his tailored outfit and mild concussion. Kudos to Ames for using it to his advantage by proclaiming that the doctors diagnosed him as “totally in love.” But Blake turns his total lack of chemistry into a plus by pointing out that a fast attraction (suck as Bentley) can turn into total crap (such as Bentley) and sometimes the tortoise wins the race, or something like that. Blake gets the rose.

Two on One Date: Beyond Thunderdome.   Will solidifies himself as a total douche and the Rain Maker totally dries up. In what appears to be Ashley’s first moment of rational thinking, she sends both suitors home. Don’t worry, her moment of clarity doesn’t last long.

Cocktail Party: Snoozing and Losing.  I’d love to tell you what happened here, but honestly, I slept through it. The only excitable part was when Ashley sat down with Chris Harrison and told him she wanted to see Mayhem, I mean Bentley, again to remove the “dot dot dot,” and the only thing that was lively about that was the fact that I was screaming at the television “What a moron! You dufus!” the whole time. During the most boring rose ceremony ever, Nick and his six-pack were sent packing.

Stay tuned next week for the return of Bentley. Too bad All State doesn’t sponsor this show. They would have protected Ashley from Mayhem.

Bachelorette: Episode Four

The rules of phonics are pretty clear. The combination of the consonants “ph” produces the same sound as the singular letter “f.” For example, “phone” is pronounced “fone.” With this principle in mind, Phuket was the perfect place for this week’s episode of the Bachelorette.

The most exciting portion of this show was when the guys froliced  in testosterone-laced pandemonium when it was announced they would be going to Phuket. (Apparently, they thought it was pronounced with the “f” sound also. Silly boys…)

There was the standard Tourism Department video of Phuket, Thailand (the Seattle of the Orient) and Ashley met with Annie, the “Navigator” at the hotel to help plan her dates.

Constantine earned a solo date in which Ashley (allegedly) planned for them to take a boat to a private island. However, it was storming and they couldn’t use the boat. Apparently when Ashley was planning this date, she neglected to plan even the tiniest little plan B, so she spent considerable time looking lost and confused until Constantine suggested they go buy tacky Hawaiian shirts (because clearly, you can get some great Hawaiian shirts in Thailand). They hit the streets of Phuket and asked some old dude (via translator) for marriage tips, drank some beer on the side of the road and then ran in flip-flops down the slick street. I think they had dinner after that, but this whole date was so boring, I could hardly stay awake. The best part of this section of the program was listening to the guys back at the house talk about how Constantine has game and watching JP get so worked up about the fact that just about everyone had kissed Ashley, that I honestly thought that vein that sticks out of the left side of his forehead was going to explode (it didn’t, dammit). Even though this was the most boring date ever, I guess Ashley thought, “Aw, Phuket, I’ll give him a rose.”

Next was the group make out session, I mean date. It was raining, of course. Ashley let the guys know, in case they didn’t, that there had been a tsunami in Thailand a few years back. So to give back, they painted the interior of an orphanage. One of the guys decided to “stand out” by painting a mural on the wall, but I don’t remember which one it was. There was a lot of Ryan bashing. It appears that he is too happy for everyone else. But he doesn’t care. He even told Ashley that he was on the other guy’s nerves due to his positive attitude. But he is his own man. That’s right, he said, “Phuket, I can’t do anything about it; I’m just a happy guy.” Mural guy got the rose.

Ames had a one-on-one date in which he modeled several more styles from his extensive collection of white pants. They went kayaking or something like that (in the rain), and their chemistry was so cheesy that I had to sort of tune out so that I could keep down my chicken salad. Ames is easy on the eyes, if you like chiseled features, and the fact that he has real earning potential doesn’t hurt, either. Ashley spent most of the date calling him a nerd (but in a good way – whatever), but she gave him a rose anyway. He accepted the bloom, but he opted not to kiss her. This guy must be on the wrong show. Chris Harrison needs to read him the fine print where it says everyone has to kiss the chick whether they like her or not. I mean, please, Phuket, just kiss her.

At the rose ceremony, there was more making out and more Ryan bashing. Ashley grilled all of the guys about what they wanted and about past relationships. Then she told Chris Harrison that she knew she was supposed to send several guys home tonight, but Phuket, she only wanted to send one home. That’s right, West, sorry about your dead wife and all, oh, and by the way, I want every single person to stay here with me in Thailand – except you.

If you haven’t watched this episode yet, I highly recommend you invite all your friends over for a viewing. If you’d like to turn it into a drinking game, then simply have everyone do a shot whenever you head the word “Bentley.” You may want to go ahead and call a cab, because you’ll be hammered about thirty minutes in.

The highlight of tonight was Ashley’s voice over. After each date, kiss, and conversation with the various bachelors, she would exclaim, “(Insert name here) is exactly what I need to get over Bentley.” Come on, Ashley, Bentley will magically appear again next week to mess with your head some more. And we all know what you will say…”Phuket, I think I’ll take him back!”

Bachelorette: Episode Three

Tonight’s episode of the Bachelorette was so gruelingly awkward and uncomfortable to watch. The only thing I can think of that would be any worse would be to go with my mom for her annual gynecological exam. Seriously, it was bad, bad, bad.

William establishes himself as an ass about 45 seconds into the episode and just spirals deeper into assdom as the show goes on. It’s like he’s on a quest to prove that all cell phone salesmen are indeed jerks that enjoy giving everyday normal people grief. That’s too bad, because I was sort of cheering for him.

The Rain Maker got the first one on one date. It started with a dance lesson taught by and choreographed by Ashley because she’s a dentist – I mean, a dancer. Ben C. is clearly a lawyer. The date includes a flash mob, a performance by Far East Movement, awkward dancing and awkward kissing. At dinner, Ben says that he would like to have a relationship in an “unrealistic bubble.” Well, Ben, you’re off to a good start. He keeps doing this weird thing with his mouth while he’s talking. Is he trying to make sure his teeth are clean? Are his lips too small? What is going on with the lips? It’s like John Mayer singing only he’s not John Mayer so I can’t really get past it. Of course, he gets a rose.

Kudos to the producers, by the way, for playing creepy organ music during the masked Jeff’s confessional. Boy Wonder explains to us that this has been a “life changing experience.” I suppose so since he just went from being a totally random guy to being a guy the entire world considers a dork. I only wish he would have had raccoon tan lines on his face when he took the mask off. His first unmasked words? “Hi. I’m Jeff.” (We’re like 15 minutes into the episode and I’m already questioning if I can make it through it.) Ashley confesses, “Wow. He’s older than I thought.”

The group date is next and it’s a roast. Um, boys aren’t known for sensitivity and Ashley is like the world’s most ultra sensitive girl, so who thought this was going to be a good idea? Oh, yeah…the people at the studio in charge of watching the ratings. Ames is wearing a double shirt. That’s two shirts at once. Yes, a pullover polo with a button-down over it: collar on collar like he just stepped out of a J. Peterman catalog. He’s one ascot away from being Thurston Howell the Third.

The roast ends with Ashley in tears. Bentley finds her and takes the opportunity to “mess with her head” and she eats it up. The party portion of the date has the mood of a death-bed vigil. William decides he should leave instead of just saying, “it was a joke, that’s not really how I feel, and I’m sorry.” We see footage of Ashley talking to the various guys while she talks in voice over about how she can’t concentrate about what any of them are saying because she’s thinking about William leaving. Meanwhile, I can’t concentrate on what she is saying because I can’t stop thinking about how un-masked Jeff just told her that he adopted a three-legged dog. Really? That’s your opener? A three-legged dog? Man, put the damn mask back on.  Ryan P. is the first to actually comfort her and he gets both a kiss and the rose.

Ashley confronts Bentley and tells him that someone told her that he was coming on the show for the wrong reasons and was going to leave after about two weeks. He says it must have been Michelle Money and that she’s not a good source. Ashley buys his lame excuse. Next we hear Ashley’s confessional about how she’s in love with Bentley. Then we hear Bentley’s confessional about how he’s not into Ashley at all and that he’s going to leave. He packs his bags and tells all the guys in the house that he’s leaving because he misses his daughter. Then he confesses that they are all fools to buy it. As much of an arrogant ass as Bentley is, the worst part of this is that now I’m going to have to watch a montage of Ashley crying her eyes out followed by Bentley saying “I hope my hair looks good” over and over and over again for the rest of the season. Ugh! I can only take so much. He goes to Ashley and tells her that he’s leaving for his daughter and she buys it. He even says they should leave things with a “dot, dot, dot” instead of a “period.” I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.  If I wasn’t a member of the Bachelorette Fantasy League of Nashville and didn’t have money on the line, I’d be watching Jerseylicious right now.

Thank goodness for Jimmy Kimmel’s shameless use of Ashley’s pain to promote her appearance on his show tomorrow night to break the tension. I needed that.

JP gets a night in sweat pants with emotionally drained, eyeglass wearing Ashley. After a little smooching in front of the fire, she declares that JP kisses are better than Bentley kisses and pins a rose onto his t-shirt.

Chris Harrison and Ashley have a little chat at the mansion and discuss mostly Bentley. Ashley still thinks that Michelle Money was wrong about Bentley and tells Chris about “dot, dot, dot.” Chris clearly wants to grab her and shake her. He tells her that is a “guy thing” and that if Bentley really wanted to be there that he would have stayed. She totally ignores Chris and continues to chase the colorful butterflies that are dancing around the inside of her head. She opts to skip the cocktail party and Chris tells the guys they will go straight to the rose ceremony.

Going home tonight: Bentley (who left on his own), the un-masked man (who throws his mask into a fire on the way out), and some guy named Chris that I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.

Holy hell! William gets a rose! William gets a rose! Man, Ashley may need medication. I think that hair dye may have seeped into her brain and be causing a slight malfunction (although William is pretty hot).

 

And that’s the unexplainable, uncomfortable, unexpected happenings of the Bachelorette.