Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Eight

After a regurgitation of the season’s highlights, Devin jumped right in to choose her soul mate. It’s Country vs. Country in a battle of movie references: will it be the quarterback with all the right moves or the horse whisperer? At this point, do we really even care?

She has a date with Tribble and they head out on a sea plane. She announces that she will be Maverick and he can be Goose. They land on a lake next to a country club and play a game of pool before sitting on a dock and having their “deepest conversation” about trust. Next they have a boat ride. Tribble compared it to a “dumpster fire” since they had some issues with the motor; the main issue being that Tribble didn’t know how to operate it. They discover that they both only have one living grandmother, but Devin isn’t sure that those trivial things in common are enough. Tribble spends the greater part of the evening trying not to stare at Devin’s cleavage, and he can’t open up to her without her telling him that she had already chosen him. His lack of confidence was a big buzz kill for Devin. After announcing that he isn’t really hungry, he walks away from a huge, beautiful steak. It was such a good looking steak that I couldn’t even pay attention to anything else that happened. How do you walk away from a steak like that? Are you insane? They go night swimming while the steak sits there and rots.

The next day, she gets on the same sea plane with Adam and he makes a fun quip about swimming with the sharks. They go to an island off the coast of Mississippi and have a little picnic. There is brie cheese that Adam keeps calling cheesecake and Devin pretty much decides she wants to dump him because he doesn’t know the difference between a dessert and a block of cheese. Adam knew he was messing up, but he had totally let Devin’s date with Tribble mess with his head. A storm rolls in that is more horrific than their conversation skills and they have to leave the island. They dress up and have some sushi with “green beans” and Devin shows off her spelling skills. He finally gets his confidence back and things take a turn for the better. Adam spouts off some romantic stuff and Devin says he sounds like a line from a movie. He tells her “exactly what she needed to hear” and then a huge rain storm begins pouring down on them. Then in the rain under stings of lights, they begin to dance without any music. It was an electrocution waiting to happen, but it was also pretty damn romantic. Adam sums the night up as “being like a movie” and lets Devin know again that he’s “fallin’ for” her.

Devin decides that even though they are both country, that one is city southern and the other is backwoods southern. She thinks she looks good with Tribble and he always keeps her guessing, but Adam is ruggedly good looking and “to know him a minute is to know who he is.” Tribble shows up first and Devin dumps him through tears. He claims that he is at a loss for words and then proceeds to talk for ten minutes. Ever the jock, he bounces back quickly and declares that if it can’t be him to win Devin’s heart, that he’s glad that it’s Adam (his best friend in the house) and he thinks they will be great together. Next Adam comes and meets Devin who is wearing a classic bridal inspired prom dress. She tells him that he’s the one and he whips out a small white box. Devin freaks for just a moment thinking it’s a proposal, but instead it’s a “promise ring on a chain.” In case you weren’t in middle school at some point and don’t know what that is, a promise ring on a chain is when you give a girl a ring with a diamond, but not a diamond big enough that anyone would actually want to wear it on their finger, especially their ring finger because then everyone would just think they had a crappy engagement ring and they would have to spend half their time explaining that it was just a promise ring. So it’s typically worn around a chain; which in most cases is the better piece of jewelry. I’ve never quite understood what the promise was that went with a promise ring, but whatever it is, Devin ate it up and Adam put the necklace on her with pride.

So the only question that remains is: Did Devin pick Adam because he’s from Franklin, TN; just a hop, skip and a jump away from her real hometown back in Tennessee?

Oh! Don’t cry for Tribble. He will be staring in the next Sweet Home Alabama where CMT will pair him with ten city girls and ten country girls and help him find his true love. Oh, just wait. In the promo clip, he said he’s looking for “Mrs. Right.” So apparently, they will all be married women. See you next time in Sweet Home Alabama!

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Seven

The country boys have a pow wow and decide that city boy Maxim is a threat and not right for Devin, but Jason Maxim isn’t worried because he looks like Josh Duhamel and he considers himself a Jedi (Yet he also considers himself mature enough for a relationship).

Devin takes Collin to a soda shop in Foley and they share a malt. Collin thinks she is “more than amazing and the love of his life.” Devin can imagine him being the guy she falls in love with. Next  they go to the beach and make out in the ocean. Later, while laying in a hammock, Collin lets Devin know exactly how he feels and she just smiles at him.

Devin and Jason go and meet Kathy Najimy in Gulf Shores. No, wait, that’s Jimmy Buffett’s sister, LuLu. “Alabama native” Devin explains that LuLu’s is a resort (it isn’t; it’s a restaurant with an upscale beach equivalent of put put golf so that people have something to do while they wait on a table) and the pair set off to climb a rope apparatus. While at the top, Jason explains to Devin that she has helped him “not care about money so much” and they make out. Devin says she doesn’t like to get stuff just because she’s pretty, but would rather deserve it. Jason realizes how much money that could save him and he falls even more for her.

Adam picks Devin up in his version of a “slick” car, a 1931 Model A, and they go to a hot air balloon fair. She is impressed with his suit and they share an ice cream cone and talk about all the mud in their teeth during their last kiss. They discuss where they would like to be in ten years. Devin is super realistic and explains her plans for two kids (a boy and a girl) and how the boy will come first because her daughter will need an older brother. She also explained how she wanted a career and would like to be a housewife. She is really also looking forward to getting fat. She teaches him some dance moves and he tells her that he’s “fallin’ fer” her and they swap some spit (without mud).

Tribble “pulls some strings” and gets his mother and Devin’s mother to meet them at Bellingrath Gardens for tea. Mama Reese explains that she must love her son to do this for him. As they walk to meet the Grissoms, she uses that time to bitch him out about his shoes not being polished enough and hopes that she doesn’t look at his feet, because apparently, at this point in the game, a dirty shoe would be a deal breaker. She must not be aware of the fact that Devin just finished a date with a guy who had mud in his teeth. Devin’s mom didn’t trust Tribble at first because he was “good-looking,” but after taking her sunglasses on and off about twelve times at  “tea” she decided that he was a nice young man. (Tea is actually mimosas, and to understand the sunglasses, just watch the damn clip). Tribble walked his mom back to the hotel so that she could run a full background check on Devin and Devin went off for a little chat with Kim Bassinger (or Mrs. Grissom, whatever you want to call her – see photo below and decide for yourself). Mom admits to Devin that she’s never “dated so many at once” (thank goodness). Tribble and Devin sneak away and have a disjointed conversation about how stressed she is and he walks away without any smooches.

Devin arrives to the porch and announces that she’s in the worst mood of her life (apparently they have now been there a full 28 days) and she apologizes to Tribble for their rotten one-on-one time. She tells them that two of them will be going home and that they just need to come see her at her old truck one by one.  Adam decided to go first and she invites him to stay. Collin goes second and she cuts him loose. He wants to know if she let him go because he’s “so deep that it scared her away” and she simply says she’s sorry. After squalling on the other guys, the other two country boys walk him to the fence (Tribble carrying a huge bunch of dry-cleaned dress shirts, um…whose are those?) and tell him goodbye. Next up is city boy Jason “Jedi” Maxim. Devin tells him that he scares her and sometimes she just wants to pack up and leave with him, but her heart is in the South and she knows that is where she belongs. He tells her that she opened his heart again and that he will just have to find himself another girl from the South. Tribble “did the math” and figured out he was going to get to stay and went out to see Devin and told her he wanted to stay. He’s excited that his “best friend in the house” is still remaining and they both look forward to the “fight to the finish.”

Yeah? Maybe like a short, pudgy Kim Bassinger?

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Six

I’m sort of in a hurry, so I’m going to make tonight’s recap short and sweet. Well, short anyway. Devin’s Daddy comes to town to separate the men from the boys. Here are the highlights:

The City Boys proved that even they know the difference between alligators and crocodiles. (Sorry, Devin, you just lost a little more credibility as a Bama girl).

Daddy took the boys out ATV riding. Jason Maxim spoke from the heart (AKA brown nosed), Adam said something, but it was too country to understand. Tribble lost points with Daddy for being a quarterback. He must have gotten beat up by someone on the football team in high school. Daddy asked Collin what he would find if he Googled him and Collin assured him that he would find “nothing.” He then asked Flex what would happen if he Googled him. Flex told him he’d find about ten modeling photos and a Facebook page. When asked why he thought he and Devin would be a good match, Flex responded that they both “like Superman.”

While Daddy interviews the guys, Devin rides out on a four-wheeler and helps Adam get unstuck. Next comes a mud fight followed by some making out in the mud. Then they hose each other off.

Daddy and Devin clean up and have a chat. He likes Adam but thinks he has some growing up to do. He thinks Collin has a firm foundation, but doesn’t like the two earrings. He thinks Tribble is a playboy. He thinks Flex is a moron, although he didn’t really say that. Daddy doesn’t want Devin going to L.A. and he finds it hard to believe that Jason Maxim turned down a TV show to stay with Devin. Then Daddy let’s Devin know that he Googled the guys and found a video of one of the guys “full force getting it on” with a woman – completely naked and “going to town.” Well, that’s awkward.

The guys sit around and talk about their conversations with Daddy and wonder who will be going home. Devin arrives in a polka dotted dress and lets them know that one of them will be going home. She tells Flex that she wants to chat with him and they go for a stroll. Suddenly, he has a gas-station rose behind his back and gives it to her. She discusses their early chemistry and tells him that she always admired his honesty. Then she asks him about the sex video on the internet. He explains that it was a movie that he was in and that it was done tastefully and that you can’t see any of his “parts.” Even though it is titled Hotel Erotica, he says that his parents have seen it and they like it. (um…yuck) He starts making Devin feel guilty about “judging” him, but she tells him anyway that their romantic relationship needs to end. They hug it out and he leaves. He stands by the fact that his soft core porn was tastefully done and that he even “had a lot of lines.”

The highlight of the night was when CMT’s generic version of the never seen Chris Harrison narrated the preview of next week and called it “the most emotional episode ever.” You got me, CMT. I’m in.

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Five

Devin starts off on a date with Tribble who got a boat to “match her eyes.” He outlines how he played football at Clemson (he was the back up quarterback, by the way) and then arena football and is just short of his masters degree and how he now works as a bar tender. Devin should be in marketing. She spins him being a bar tender as “having a lot of freedom.” She thinks the date is perfect. In fact, she thinks it’s better than the Titanic (I only wish I was making up this dialog).  Next the two crazy kids hung out on a football field. They sit on the “sacred spot” at the fifty yard line and have some stimulating conversation. Devin says that Tribble scares her because she thinks she will be just another notch (in his belt? bedpost? scoreboard?). So he tries to remove all doubt for her by making out with her. He brags about being an MVP of an Alabama Mississippi All-Star game on the field they are laying on (this is true: it was a high school football game) and they continue to gush perfection compliments all over each other.

After the date, Devin takes the guys to Tuscaloosa, Alabama (her “hometown”) to help clean up tornado damage. As sarcastic as I am about this show, I have to say that close to forty people in Tuscaloosa were killed in the storms this year, including one of Devin’s Phi Mu sorority sisters. Over one thousand people were injured in the path of the tornado that stretched over a mile wide. The devastation was vast and so many people are still displaced and hurting. Thanks to CMT for helping keep this in the forefront of our minds, and thanks to the cast and crew of Sweet Home Alabama for giving your time to help clean up. I’m sure the guys will never forget their experience that day. (For information on how you can help, visit CMTOneCountry.com) And as much as it means to me that they helped the people of my home state, I have to say that Kash did make a noteworthy stupid statement when he picked up a small Happy Meal type stuffed bear and said “This could have belonged to some little kid.” Good guess, Kash.

Kash gets the one-on-one date and he reminds her of how he was the first guy to talk to her the first day (remember, he brought her the sweet tea?).  Kash pulls the teddy bear out of his pocket and tells Devin that he knows she has a lot going on, but that she needs to remember that love comes from the heart and not from the pocket (wallet). He gives he a quick kiss and walks away as Devin confesses that he is the perfect guy “on paper.” (That’s usually the kiss of death.)

Devin meets the guys down on the beach and thanks them for being there. She lets them know that two more guys will be leaving tonight. The boys all refill their beer and the country guys slip off for some bonding time. Kash tells them that it’s more important for Devin to pick the right person than for her to pick him, but that he knows that she should pick one of the five remaining country boys and not one of the two city slickers. Tribble agrees. Soon Boyd shows up and is greeted with a beer. He pulls Kash from the group and he goes to meet with Devin on the back of her old blue pick-up truck. She tells him that he’s perfect on paper, but that she doesn’t think she has strong enough feelings for him. He says no hard feelings and they hug it out. He uses the excuse of reminding her to “follow this right here – your heart” to almost touch her boob. The rest of the country boys walk him out arm and arm while the city boys look on.

Next Boyd grabs Adam.  At the tailgate, Devin tells Adam that he has been her source of strength and that she looks forward to hanging out with him more. He drops about five g’s and gives her a goofy smile before headin’ back to the house. Country Cody is next to see Devin.  They hug and she says that she’s blessed to have had him in her life even for a short period of time. She thinks that he is the perfect gentleman, but that she doesn’t think she can keep up with his rodeo lifestyle. Then he tells her that he’s glad that she’s letting him go because he can’t give her the things that the other guys can and that he thinks she deserves better than him. She gives him a small wrapped gift to remember her by and they hug again. When he gets back to the house, he tells the guys that he is happy that she will end up with one of them since they can give her more than he can. (The gift was a giant belt buckle.) He tells the guys good bye and leaves to go back to the road – back to fast women and pretty horses. Wait, wouldn’t pretty women and fast horses be better? The remaining guys sat around and mourned the loss of the two guys and and the country boys draw a line in the sand and declare that it is Us against Them. New York gets into it with Tribble because “Cody was like a brother” to him.

Oh! Next week, Devin’s dad comes to visit and he knows how to use Google. Which of the boys will be exposed by Daddy?

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Four

Thank goodness I missed the first five minutes of Sweet Home Alabama because I was busy watching old SEC Football footage on YouTube, as apparently Michael decided to sing to Former University of Alabama Phi Mu Social Chairman, Devin Grissom during their time together in New York. Devin confesses to the camera that she isn’t sure if she should laugh or cheer him on, bless his heart. Dear girl, cheering him on would be like the people who watched the Rebecca Black Friday video over and over; building up her confidence thinking that people were actually fans and not simply people with miserable lives who needed to feel better about themselves by witnessing someone else way more pathetic than they would ever be. Laugh at him. Discourage him. Kick his ass to the curb. Do something, but do not encourage him. He tells her that he only wants her to kiss him if she really wants to. She doesn’t.

Next in New York, Devin stops by a salon and gets a “blow dry” and talks about how she can get used to that big city stuff. Um, I don’t know where Devin hangs out, but even the salons in Eufaula, Alabama have hair dryers and offer a blow out. She puts on a fancy dress, smooches to some violin music and hangs out in Times Square with Jason who claims his life is like an action movie. Devin confesses that she’s not sure if she likes Jason or his lifestyle.

The country boys back in Alabama had a conversation out on the beach, but I was talking on the phone to my eight-year-old about frogs and didn’t get to hear it. Something tells me that my conversation about frogs was probably more exciting.

Devin tells Michael that she’s not feeling it for him, but he says it was all worth it because because of Devin, he “found his voice again” and told her to “go in peace.” For a minute I thought he was going to come out of the closet, but he didn’t. Next she dumped Pete who also seemed fine with it. She asks Jason to come back to Alabama with her and they make out in the park.

Jason comes back and rubs in the fact that he and Devin have a real “fairy tale” connection and announces that he turned down a job in L.A. for Devin. Boomhauer asked him “Did Devin like the city?” and I have to tell you, I’m from L.A. (Lower Alabama) myself, and I could hardly understand him. But the boys ain’t skeered, ’cause just like Lynyrd Skynyrd sang “You can take a boy out of ol’ Dixieland, but you’ll never take ol’ Dixie from a boy,” they decided that Devin was impressed with the city, but not the city slicker and that even though she had been out of the country, that the country was still in her.

Devin rocks her American flag tank top and Daisy Duke shorts with cowboy boots to the dirt track for a day of Southern style racing. After the track, Devin and Tripp hang out in the back of a pick-up truck and watch the lightning above a field. Tripp compliments Devin for not being plastic and they hug it out. I guess that means the date is over. I kept waiting for them to make some of that Deep South Glass with some metal sticks on the beach, but apparently they didn’t see the movie version of this show.

The boys (all Country but two) hold hands and pray about the upcoming elimination and Cody prays that God will bless the relationship of whoever ends up with Devin (Man, the Bachelor would be a lot different if it took place in Alabama). Devin sits at the end of a dirt road in the back of the old blue pick-up – her usual sittin’ spot – and Boyd comes to “have a beer” with the fellows. He pulls Tribble aside and lets him know that he is staying around. That makes Tribble happy because he doesn’t like the fact that their “family” is getting broken up. He does realize that they aren’t really related, right?

Next Boyd tells Flex to go see Devin at the truck. She wants to know why the guys at the house don’t like him. He says it’s because they are intimidated by him and jealous of him. Devin tells him that she wants him to stick around. Boyd pulls Tripp off the porch next to talk to Devin. He finds himself on the back of another pick-up truck with Devin and she tells him that she has stronger feelings for the other guys. He wants her to go through all of the guys and tell him why they’re better. (Really? Wow.) He tells her that he wants to fight for her and is willing to put it all on the line. She says thanks, but no thanks and gives him a hug goodbye. Then Tripp puts on his back pack, his ball cap and his Silly Bandz and goes to the beach and bawls his eyes out.

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Three

In tonight’s episode of Sweet Home Alabama, Miss Tennessee Outstanding Teen 2007, um…I mean Tuscaloosa, Alabama, resident, Devin Grissom, continues her quest for love with the remaining country boys and city slickers. Without the fanfare of date cards and hosts to explain what will happen next, She jumps right into the dating with a one-on-one date with one of the country boys.

Her first date is with Collin at a bar in downtown Fairhope. He wears a cowboy hat and runs his mouth about one of the city boys, Flex. Next he talks about his landscape company and Devin is impressed with his business. Unlike most southerners, he talks a mile a minute. I wish they would have put subtitles on the screen because he talked a little bit like Boomhauer from King of the Hill. Devin found him to be wise and Collin felt like his relationship with Devin was “more than real.” He asks her to dance and their tonsils do the tango under a lit up gazebo under the stars. He gets back to the house and unlike Adam, he disregards chivalry and blurts out to the guys that he and Devin kissed.

Next Devin and all of the guys head to a cattle farm. Pete from Brooklyn apparently left his meds back in New York and starts having a panic attack about two minutes in. They divide into teams of country boys and city boys and they separate the heifers from the rest of the cows. Jersey grabbed his testicles the whole time he was in with the cows. Jason admitted the closest he had been to a cattle farm was a steak house.  Then Cody pulls out a rope and shows everyone how to lasso. Now I’m from Alabama and I do have three friends that own three different cattle farms. Although I have been invited out to help castrate bulls, I’ve never been invited out to herd steer. But I suppose roping cows is more conducive to a romantic time and that leaves plenty of room for the guys to sit around and  verbally emasculate each other.

Cody gets some alone time with Devin as a reward for roping the cow. Devin finds out that he is deaf in one ear from getting kicked in the ear. They talk about his lifestyle as a rodeo man and discuss his fear of the dark. As they are sitting out on a blanket for a picnic, they talk about relationships and love. Devin feels like the most special girl in the world with Cody, especially when he tells her, “I’m not a smart man, Jenny, but I know what love is.” No, wait, that was Forest Gump. What he really said was, “I don’t have a lot to offer, but what little I got, I’ll give you all of it.”

All of the guys hate Flex and decide that they need to knock him down a notch before his date. What they really do is all get into a yelling match. The next day, Flex and Jersey have a double date with Devin at the beach. They go to shuck oysters at the Flora-Bama lounge. Devin explains that since they are “kinda near” the  Florida line, that it is named the Flora-Bama. (Dear CMT, if you ever choose to have another season of this show, please get a girl who’s actually from Alabama and/or has at least seen a map. Thanks.) While on the beach, Flex tells Devin that she’s the first white girl he’s been out with. He also says the fact that he’s so much older (he’s 30) doesn’t bother him. Then he tells Devin that he cheated on most of his old girlfriends…and she finds him to be really honest. Ugh. He shows her this pencil drawing that he drew of her that makes her look like a ring girl at a boxing match and then they make out in the ocean. After the make-out session, she sits down with Jersey on the beach and he gives her half of an oyster shell as a souvenir. Um, Jersey, if you’re going to give a girl part of an oyster, give her a pearl. Devin gives him a one-armed hug – bad sign – and she turns him down for a kiss. Jersey tearfully confesses to the camera that Flex is not good for Devin and he doesn’t want her to get hurt by him.

When the date was over, Flex told the guys that he and Devin kissed in the ocean. Collin, thinking that he was the only guy to kiss Devin – since Adam didn’t tell anyone he had kissed her, too – storms out of the house. He confesses that he is on the verge of breaking down. I tell you what, Devin must have crack in her saliva because I have never seen a bunch of good ol’ boys get so smitten so fast. I wonder if the producers are slipping something in their drinks or something?

Devin arrives for the cocktail party and elimination and lets them know that four of them will be going home tonight. Pete, Michael (jack-weed from New York) and one other (who must not be a favorite or I would have at least caught his name) are pulled away to talk to Devin. She lets them know that they are leaving in the morning to go with her to New York City (apparently Sweet Home Alabama isn’t sweet enough). Then Mohawk Cody, Britton and Joey are pulled aside to talk to Devin as well. But instead of going to New York with her, they are getting a one way ticket to back to where they came from. Devin then uses Taylor Swift lyrics to break up with Jersey during some one-on-one time on the front porch. Apparently it’s not a love story and she isn’t going to say yes. The most beautiful part of it is the huge melt down afterward in which Jersey yells about all of the Euros he could be making in Europe and how he’s gotten used and abused. I mean, “I gave her half an oyster shell! I let her wear my dog tags! I gave her a pair of sunglasses!” I know, I know, I’m shocked that didn’t make her fall in love, either.

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Two

I can’t believe I’m watching this show just so I can blog about it, but I figure if Jennifer Lopez can put up with Marc Anthony for a full seven years, I can sit through one hour of mediocre television.

Tonight the South got even hotter as the guys got ready for actual dates with Devin. The episode starts with guys working out, grilling out and showing out.

One city guy was totally offended that the Horse Whisperer was wearing jeans for his date with Devin, but he stuck to his Southern roots and wore the denim. Of course he tames a wild horse in 45 seconds at the beginning of his date.He told Devin she could “pet on the horse,” but all I heard was Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird say, “You can pet him if you want to, Mr. Aurthur.”

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jersey boy highjacks the country boys’ barbeque and it does not go over well. Now I’ll admit, I think most of the city slickers in this show are real jack-weeds, but I’m from Bama and I’ll tell you straight up; if I marinate meat, light a grill and then someone else wants to stand over the heat and flip it all for me, I’d let them knock themselves out while I drank a beer and watched the ballgame. I think a country boy can survive someone else flipping his chicken. Elsewhere in the house, New York was folding paper towels into fancy napkins and setting the table for all the guys – he only wishes Devin could see what a pretty table he set.

Back on the date, Devin and the Horse Whisperer sat on the dock of the bay  and made out and then giggled. After the smooching, he went back to the house for some leftover Jersey chicken.

For a group date, Devin took the guys tubing on the river. Rodeo Cody jumped in the water and broke his nose. Since he was bleeding all over the place, Devin gave him a little alone conversation before she took off her cover-up and jumped in the water, because all good Southern girls know that if you jump in the water straight away and get your hair wet that you will look better than if you wait for it to get half wet and all wind blown while you’re in the boat. After some tubing and boating, Devin selects Joey from Arizona to go on the first city date.

When in Rome, Joey decided to dress the part and wore jeans for his date to the sweet shop, followed by some porch sitting. After talking about how sweaty they were, Joey used the words “fist pump” and “douche bag” and then went back to the house. All the other city guys asked him about his date, hoping that he represented the city well. But he said that he really wasn’t like the other city guys and within an hour he was wearing a cowboy hat and bonding with the Southern Gents (See, I told you the South would rise again) and had completely alienated all of his city brothers.

Devin goes and sits in the back of her old pick-up truck to think about who she needs to talk to before making her eliminations. First to go talk to Devin is the city guy that wears a headband. She tells him that she only has friend feelings for him and he heads back to the house to pack his bags and go back to his boy band, I mean Long Island. Next up is the quarterback, Tribble, from the country. Devin is nervous that he may be too hot for her, but he lets her know that he could date down a little and she keeps him around. Country singer, Mike, grabs his guitar and gets a handshake from all his country brothers, including his new city brother from Arizona. He sings Devin an original song that he just wrote thinking that she, like most women, digs guys who play guitar. But she dumps him anyway.

If your keeping score, that’s one more city boy and one more country boy out the door, which means that the country boys are still in the lead. But as country singer Mike and Scarlet O’Hara said, “Tomorrow is another day.”

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode One

Tonight was the premier of CMT’s answer to the Bachelor, Sweet Home Alabama, in which a Southern Belle, Devin, (actually from Tennessee – even though when she’s talking to a guy from Franklin, TN – just a stone’s throw from her real home town of Cleveland, TN – she says that’s she’s from Tuscaloosa, Alabama) who attends the University of Alabama (Roll Tide!) is courted by ten Biffs and Blaines from the “City” and ten Jethros and Bubbas from the “Country.” There are several boys from Birmingham – one named Tribble Reese, man, what a great name – and then a handful of boys from New York, Los Angeles and Las Vegas.

Going into it, one would expect the city slickers to be somewhat jerky, and we all know there’s nothing like a gold ole country boy; and from the first four minutes, it appeared this show would be one stereotype after another.

With the southern boys, we have an Iraq veteran, a tobacco farmer (also a vet), a boy named Kash with a Sugar Bowl ring, Jefferson Davis the Third – Tripp, of course, Tribble – a self professed ACC football veteran, and other tall drinks of water that drawl out their pledge to stick together against the Yankees and drink beer from a can.

In the city league we have a personal trainer, Snookie’s ex-boyfriend, a boy scared of bugs, a big-headed stock broker, another personal trainer, and a Ferrari owner. Within minutes they were passing out business cards, talking about how they’re going to buy Devin a bunch of stuff and making fun of the South. Um, you guys better back up the truck, cause you carpetbaggers are going down. Hell, one City Slicker (Brian Wilson) left before he even met Devin because it was “too hot.”

Devin arrives in a old pick-up truck (cliché much?) and introduces herself to the guys. Of course one of the guys (city) sings to her (gag).

There was a group activity of skeet shooting in which the most horrific, terrible statement was made by our “Bama” Belle, Devin: “If you went surfing out here, you’d get eatin’ by a crocodile.” Um, no you wouldn’t.

What? Marine Corps Beau* (country) decided to leave after meeting the chick to go back to Birmingham to work on his PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Well, he didn’t say that, but trust me on this one. Man, the guys are dropping like flies.

Before it even gets started, Devin eliminates two of the guys to join the other two wimps that already left. First to go was Matt from San Diego. Maybe she was worried he would try to surf and get eatin’ by a crocodile, poor fella. Next she tells Adam from Tennessee that girls don’t ask guys out, but if he’d ask her out that she’d say yes. Of course, he asks her out and she says yes. She tells Jeff from Jersey (who says Jersey Whores at least three times in this episode) that she’s concerned he may party too much, but he convinces her that he doesn’t. Then she tells Mark from Hollywood that she thinks it’s time for him to go because she’s not a party girl and he has a typical Hollywood lifestyle. He begs her to stay like I’ve never heard, bless his heart, but she says her mind is made up. Then he starts hugging everybody and crying. Good golly, this is turning into a country song.

This episode was a little like watered down sweet tea, but I suppose I’ll give it another shot next week since the “scenery” is very nice. In case you’re counting, the country boys are in the lead. That’s right, save your confederate money boys, ’cause the South shall rise again!

* To Marine Beau, Tobacco Farmer Cody, and all the other brave men and women who have proudly served our country, I sincerely thank you. Also, PTSD is a serious condition that unfortunately many of our soldiers suffer from without ever knowing that they have it or that there is help. If you want to say thank you, please get involved with the Wounded Warrior project or at the very least, remember to say “thank you” when you see a soldier in the grocery, airport, sidewalk, wherever – whether you believe in the cause or not.