Monthly Archives: January 1990

Episode 5

After last week’s hoodie moment, Chris Harrison steps it up in some business casual attire in the opening of tonight’s episode of the Bachelor. Perhaps this was to set the tone that “things are getting serious.” He told the ladies that everything was changing and that this week. Not only would everyone get a date, but there would be the dreaded two on one date. Although a threesome is the dream of many a man, to the ladies, this means one girl will go home after the date. In keeping with changes, the girls are told to pack their bags because they are going to Vegas!

Brad arrives first and is there to greet them. Michelle is the first to run to him, of course. She seems to have toned down the crazy, or perhaps the wolf has just donned a sheep’s skin. When the ladies arrive in the limo, they manage to say “Oh my god!” 73 times in the course of 4.7 seconds. We are treated to less Michelle confessional video this week, but more of Brad’s confessional. Apparently they had a BOGO at the Gap, because in one he is wearing a red gingham shirt in one and in the next he is wearing a black one.

The first date card arrives and Michelle reads it without threatening to give anyone a black eye. Shawntel gets the first one on one date. For the date, Brad takes Shawntel shopping. As they sip champagne, they try on outfits and ooh and aah over each other. Brad “buys” her a dress and shoes and various other bags filled with goodies. Then they part ways for her to take her loot back to the suite and get dressed for the evening. When she walks in with tons of bags, the other girls are less than happy. It could be that they are jealous of the shopping trip, or it could be that they are in Vegas in an amazing hotel and can’t leave the room because the producers don’t want to spoil any secrets so they’re shoved up in luxury with a bunch of bitches that they are competing against. But that’s just a guess.

Ashley S. shares in a confessional that she is jealous because every woman wants their own Pretty Woman moment. Now, this is the second time this season someone has compared a date with Brad to Pretty Woman. Things haven’t changed in the last two weeks. They didn’t rewrite the script. She’s still a hooker!

Michele is mad after she finds out that Shawntel’s new purse was priced at $5,000, although she still seems to be chilling for her. Perhaps the Xanax from the plane ride over hasn’t worn off yet.

Brad arrives in a suit and notices what he calls tension in the room. Someone may want to get Brad a thesaurus on the next shopping spree, because tension is not a synonym for jealous bitches. Shawntel comes down the stairs in her new little black dress. She made a smart buy with that one; she will definitely be able to wear it again – at the funeral home.

Dinner is on the roof of the building and Shawntel is so excited that she is going to get to tell Brad about her job as a funeral director and embalmer.  Apparently, their super special connection hasn’t entailed actually telling Brad what she does for a living. Just about the time Brad cuts into his steak she explains how she drains the body of fluids and uses the word “leakage.” About the time she tells him about her cross-eyed cat, the bottle of champagne pops its own cork, scaring the daylights out of them. After dinner, they have a private (meaning just for them and everyone else in Vegas that isn’t in a casino with no windows or passed out drunk) fireworks display. Just as he picks her up off the ground (why does he keep doing that with her?) and they get to kissing, the girls in the suite realize the reason their suite is vibrating is that the producers are blowing up explosives on their roof for some other chick’s date. Of course, she got a rose.

The two on one date is Ashley S. and Ashley H. When they figure this out (by process of elimination – these chicks are smarter than I first thought) they are both in tears because they are “best friends” and don’t want the other to leave. Ashley S. would never be able to forgive herself if the other Ashley had to go home. Are they planning on moving to Utah and both marrying him?

The group date takes place at the Las Vegas Speedway. Brad does a shameless plug for a NASCAR race (it’s in five weeks, in case ya’ll care) and Michelle is super excited because she’s fun and hot, so just think how she’ll be in a racecar. The girls suit up in matching gear and a few at the time, get to drive around the track in a racecar. Now I have to interject at this point that they never showed the speeds these girls were going, but I had the great joy of being driven in a NASCAR racecar around the track at 125 mph at the Talladega Speedway last year, and that’s some serious stuff. I was amazed at the impact on your body at that speed on the embankments. With that being said, and the amount of alcohol that these women have had in the last few weeks, it’s impossible that any of them got over about 50. All the girls know about Emily’s dead baby daddy being a racecar driver, but Brad does not. Brad notices that Emily is a little stressed and takes her off to the side. There he learns that the Vegas track was where the race took place leading to the crash that ended Ricky’s career/life and he feels like a total jerk since he didn’t even know the dude drove cars. But Emily is a trooper (and still my favorite) and said she wanted to drive. It was something she needed to do.

Once she’s in the car, she starts crying and Brad checks in on her. She says she’s ready and she and Brad lap the track in their cars. She says the first lap is for Ricky and the last lap is for her. Then it’s off to possibly the first group date without a hot tub in Bachelor history. Brad takes Emily to the side again and the other girls have a fit. Brad tells her that he likes her a lot but it’s hard to fill the space of dead baby daddy. She tells him that it shouldn’t be an issue (read: grow a pair) because she wouldn’t be there if she didn’t like him. When Brad talks to the other girls, Alli is bawling her eyes out and Chantal isn’t much better. In a drunken stupor, Chantal lets the L word slip (love, not lesbian) and says she thinks it shows how caring Brad is that he wants to comfort Emily, but if he doesn’t like her, then he should send her home. (We are treated to a peek in the suite at the Ashleys continuing their crying fit.) Brad walks up on the girls at the group date and they are talking about him. It’s really awkward so Michelle decided to “save him” by pulling him behind a curtain to talk. She wants to talk about the other girls, but he wants to talk about her. About this time, my seven year old son walks through the room, looks at the television and says, “Oh, that’s the crazy one, right?” That pretty much sums that up. Brad gives the rose to Emily (I’m not sure how this was so shocking to the other girls, but it was) and says in confessional that he doesn’t care if it upsets any of the other girls. He promises to her that he will be himself good or bad and says that he’s falling for her. In a confessional, she confirms that this feeling is reciprocal.

For the two on one, the girls get all dolled up only to change into exercise gear about 15 minutes into the date. After watching a practice of Elvis Cirque du Soleil, they learn some steps and find out that two of them are going to be in tonight’s sold out show, and it ain’t the two ladies. Brad will decide who will perform and who will be going home. Ashley S. confesses that her biggest challenge is to overcome herself, but I think her biggest challenge is her old-school “Rachel” hair cut and that stupid rubber green bracelet. The other Ashley tells us that she fell for Brad on their first date (gag). After changing back into the dresses (did they shower?) they go to dinner. Is  Brad wearing a black velvet jacket? Seriously? Is it homage to Elvis? Good golly, that jacket may have happened in Vegas, but it sure as hell needs to stay in Vegas. He presents the rose in front of both girls and offers it to Ashley H. She snatches that bad boy up with a glance toward her “best friend.” Ashley S. confesses that it feels like someone punched her in the stomach…and the heart. Well, honey, Brad punched you in the heart. It was the other Ashley that punched you in the stomach. Just be glad it wasn’t a two on one with Michelle, or you’d have a black eye. As we watch a make out session between Brad and the chosen Ashley, the Ashley scorned provides voice over of her blubbering and bawling in the back of the limo.

Brad wakes up and calls his L.A. therapist. He tells the good doctor about the train wreck of a group date and how the girls were all crying. He tells him that he is scared. Unlike normal reality television, neither the doctor nor Brad used speaker phone. I guess the producers wanted Brad to have a more personal therapy session. The doctor tells him that “strength and vulnerability can co-exist.” And with that one simple phrase, Brad found his Yoda.

The cocktail party was short, as more time now is being spent on upcoming previews and longer make out sessions. Brad said Chantal was dramatic and gave us the impression he was going to cut her, but then he apologized to her. He did, however ask her to stop giving him so much crap. Brad made Alli feel special (finally) by opening a bottle of champagne and giving her the world’s smallest cake. It had a green ribbon on it because she was wearing green when they first met. Marissa gives him an envelope (she’s a self-professed note giver) that is filled with notes for him to take out and randomly read to make him happy. Brad tells Britt that he thinks they have chemistry (Michelle disagrees). Speaking of Michelle, the Xanax has worn off and she’s fully recharged her crazy. She takes Brad into a room, shuts the door, tells him to sit down, tells him he cannot speak, sits on his lap and tells him that he needs someone who will appreciate him. She gets a little physical and jerks his face in her hand, then pecks him on the lips. I think she was trying to be coy, but it all came off as more schizophrenic than seductive.

Time for the rose ceremony! The roses go to Michelle, Alli, Britt, Jackie and finally Chantal. While they were being passed out, Lisa (who I don’t think I’ve even noticed before this episode; where’d she come from?) looks as if she’s going to vomit or run or cry or something. Marissa looks as if she’s going to hyperventilate. Both girls are crying before Chris Harrison finishes telling them to say their goodbyes.  Lisa tells us that she now questions everything. It’s too bad she didn’t do that sooner, because she needed to question that mono-boob bag dress she was wearing. Chick needed to go home just for that! Marissa is clearly upset, and rightly so. I mean, she “left everything to find love but didn’t get it.” I wonder if she got her notes back…

Each season is the most something. We have had the most romantic. We have had the most dramatic. We have had the most shocking. And at the beginning of tonight’s preview of coming events (that include Costa Rica and South Africa) we learn that this is the “most controversial season ever!”

And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.

Episode 4

You know the ropes. We see what happened last week and then what’s about to happen and then Chris Harrison comes in and explains the process to the girls in case any of them had a lobotomy in the night. We did get to see casual Chris this week, however and that was refreshing. Although I’m not sure why he chose to wear a hoodie. Anyway, let’s move along.

Chantal gets the one on one date. Cue the confessional with Michelle and her crazy babble. Michelle is featured with a black eye, although not a really good shiner. Ashley S. confesses that she wished she had given it to her. Hell, I wish I could deck the chick, too. I can’t imagine living with her. Brad shows up to pick up Chantal and suddenly we hear the sound of a helicopter. The duo hops on the chopper and wave to everyone below. Begin the Michelle voice over. At this point, ABC should just let Michelle narrate the whole show. They could make it like Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and a silhouette of Michelle could be at the bottom of the screen while she provides commentary interspersed with death threats.

Chantal thinks their date destination is like a mini-vacation and Brad thinks it’s like a different country. For their date, they are going to put on the worlds least sexy outfits and walk on the ocean floor. Of course, Chantal is terrified of deep water. It’s like the producers sit around with these girls’ resumes and set up activities to torture them. “Hey, Chuck, it says here on page three that she’s horrified of water. Hey, let’s tell Brad he should take her on an underwater date!” The fact that when they are on the bottom of the ocean, you can still see rays of sunlight all around them is pretty funny. She’s down there hyperventilating and they’re like nine feet under water. The biggest disappointment for this date was that we never got to find out what was in the white paper bag that Brad was carrying when they walked down to the boat. What was that? Lunch? Snacks? Condoms?

The most amazing part of the entire episode happens when we get a sneak peek back at the house while this date is progressing. Michelle is sitting on the sofa with a freaking popsicle on her eye. I guess a bag of frozen peas or something pliable made too much sense. The group date is announced and Michelle’s name is not called. She launches into her soliloquy and announces that if Brad doesn’t give her a one on one date that she’s going to give him a black eye.

Back at the date, Chantal and Brad snuggle with wine on the beach and talk about her divorce. She wants to get married again and have kids, but she never spills the beans as to why she got divorced the first time. They enjoy some playful kidding and cute little peck type kisses.

Back at the mansion, the producers are frantically gluing cotton balls to Michelle’s bedroom walls and removing all of the sharp objects from the house. She sits on the sofa and cries about how she has heart burn and can’t sleep and can’t eat and thinks she may have given herself the black eye because she is just so upset that Chantal is on a one on one date. She announces that she needs to be alone as she is deeply troubled that Chantal is “very focused on Brad.” Um, hello, Kettle. Have you met Pot? Also, can somebody get Kettle some meds? I think I just saw some of her brains oozing out of her ears.

Back at the beach, Chantal apologizes to Brad for slapping him the first night. Actually she apologizes for slapping him as hard as she did. He gives her the rose and it starts to rain. He tells her to stop talking and kiss him and they make out in the rain. ABC totally missed the mark when they didn’t start playing Rupert Holmes Pina Colada song. After getting caught in the rain, they move to a tent on the beach for a taste of champagne and more kissing. I’m not sure what they did at midnight.

For the group date, Brad takes the girls to the radio show of the Love Line with Dr. Drew and Mike. Dr. Drew looks at Brad like he’s a complete idiot while he talks to them privately. The girls can’t hear what they are saying, but the producers were nice enough to give them all a drink to help them relax. The ladies come in the studio and the questions start. Brad says he’s never cheated but has been cheated on. Dr. Drew asks the ladies if they have cheated. Stacey admits that she cheated in college. Bet that won’t come back to haunt her. Someone asks Brad what his type is. He says it is someone who he can be himself around. The big therapy session continued until Dr. Drew had fulfilled his contractual obligations and Brad and the girls headed off to a………wait for it…………………….hot tub.

Back at the house Michelle is still blubbering, this time to Emily, that she’s scared she won’t get the one on one date.

At the hot tub, Alli tries for the nine hundredth time to have a twenty second conversation alone with Brad, but she is interrupted again. She’s pretty pissed at this point and lets the world know it. Ashley H. is freaking out again about not having any one on one time and for a minute; I thought one of the other girls was going to deck her.

We find out Michelle did get the one on one date and she goes into a similar speech from when she had her first kiss where she told everyone to pack their bags because Brad was all hers now. Her date card said “Let’s hang out” and Chantal points out that every other card for every other date has had the word love in the clue. Only Michelle’s has omitted it. Gold Star for Chantal.

Back at the group date, Jackie says that Ashley H. is exhausting and Ashley H. is still freaking and cussing up a storm. She’s now starting crap with the other girls because “they don’t know how it feels.” Um, are they all on the same show? That’s what I thought. Britt admits to Brad that she has a crush on him and they proceed to suck the enamel off of each other’s teeth until Ashley H. walks up. She tells Brad that she’s “retracting.” Is she some sort of mathematical school supply? Who the hell retracts? She continues to babble incoherently and Brad tells her to just “hang in there, baby!” All I could think about was one of those old posters with the cat hanging from the tree that says “hang in there.” Chick’s going to be falling from those branches real soon if she doesn’t pull it together.

Brad knows what he wants to do and goes to the hot tub to give Ashley H. the rose, but then she makes some dumb ass insecure comment and then clams up instead of being open, so Brad changes his mind and gives the rose to Britt. Ashley H. then reveals that she may have ruined what they had. Ya think?

Over breakfast at the house, Ashley H. tells the girls that she feels unstable. Michelle sits off to the side painting her nails. Cue the confessional. This is “my day” and everyone is talking about other things. Boo Hoo. Brad arrives and asks Ashley H. to step outside and talk to him a minute. This sends Michelle into hysterics, because this is “my day,” in case you hadn’t heard. Brad tells Ashley H. that what they have is real and for her not to retract. He begs her to chill out and she agrees to try. Michelle is inside downing Ashley H. for stealing her time. Then Chantal calls Michelle out for being a hypocrite considering that Michelle stormed off the commercial set and Brad had to go find her and babysit her when they were on a group date. Another gold star for Chantal. Before leaving for their date, Michele tells us in a confessional that if she doesn’t get a rose, she’s going to elbow Ashley H. in the face. Sweet girl, that Michelle.

They must have gotten a deal on the rental, as a helicopter takes the two love birds on this date as well. They are dropped on a rooftop where they will repel to a pool down below. Three guesses what Michelle is afraid of. That’s right! Heights! I muted most of this because Michelle just grates my nerves, but they make it half way down the building and have a little kiss. The whole time Brad is cheering her on like a parent tries to coax a child to walk for the first time. “Come on. You can do it. That’s it. You got it. Come on. Keep trying. That’s it. Come on.” Barf. Mute. Brad is inspired that they faced their fear together and bonded. They jump into the pool with their clothes on. Michelle’s tank top is monogrammed, and I can’t even talk about how stupid that is. She makes him pinky swear that he will never repel off of another building with any other girl again. She gives us some more voice-over crazy talk while they kiss. Next they are on a rooftop on a bed. Brad asks her if her daughter meets any of her dates and says he wants to meet her. They make out some more; she gets a rose, blah, blah, blah.

The girls at the house are not worried about outing Michelle for the psycho that she is. They trust that she will slip up and self destruct on her own. Good call.

Brad’s California therapist (still not Dr. Phil) comes over and Brad tells him that it’s bothering him that he’s kissing everybody because he’s normally a slow mover. He just feels like the girls expect it. The therapist tells him to knock it off. I’m not sure Brad gets it.

We get to the cocktail party and the girls that have roses are talking about how happy they are that they have roses. Before we go any further, I’d like to say that I would love for Joan Rivers and the E! Fashion Police to show up at one of these parties. These girls wear the worst cocktail dresses known to man. I swear some of them are second-hand prom dresses.

Shawntel tells Brad she’s confident even though she hasn’t had a date this week. Then she jumps on him. Literally. Brad tells Megan to drop her walls and go all in. The Brad asks Emily to come with him that he has something for her. He has a blanket and pillows and wine and candles and they go outside where he recreated their vineyard date so they can have some time together. He all but tells her that he loves her while the other girls sit inside, some in tears, having a big fat reality check. Michelle said she would be jealous, but she’s not because her date was amazing and she has nothing to worry about. I think she’s scared of Emily, personally.  Brad tells Emily that she deserves more than just some one on one conversation at a cocktail party and they talked briefly about Emily’s daughter.

Chantal starts weeping because Brad did something for Emily and not for her, even though she already has a rose. Later, she steals him from Ashley H. They bond over the fact that she’s “not week” like so many of the other girls. Wait. Wasn’t she the one that was just crying her eyes out? They cut to a confessional of Chantal, but honestly, I didn’t hear anything she said because she had on this cotton candy pink blush and baby blue eye shadow and all I could think about were those individual eye shadows that were sold by Bonnie Bell when I was in middle school. They were called ribbons or something like that, and those were the exact colors they came in. Chick was wearing some Bonnie Bell. (This is an aside, but holy hell; I just looked it up on the internet. They still sell Bonnie Bell. And they still have that color palette. It’s called Prom Queen. I kid you not.)

Time for the rose ceremony! Ashley S. wears this obnoxious green rubber bracelet all the time, even with her old prom dress and it’s really starting to get on my nerves. All of the camera shots of the girls are there for our entertainment, but they are starting to look less nervous and more pissed off. Marissa looks like she is doing some sort of labor and delivery breathing exercises.  The ceremony is short and sweet with few surprises, although he does make Ashley H. wait until the final rose before he gives her one.

Megan is bummed out but takes it in stride. Stacey (the cheater) also takes it in stride and says she’ll find someone one day. Lindsay says she’s disappointed but that she knows her parent’s will be proud of her. (Wow, did they set the bar high, or what?) Then she tries to cry, but can’t really get any tears out. Cut to the champagne toast.

Up next week the crew will be going to Las Vegas. They will get to take part in the NASCAR Experience. I have to say, that’s pretty low even for the producer’s at ABC to put Emily in a race car considering her dead baby daddy was a race car driver. I wonder if Michelle will give herself another black eye.

 

And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.

Episode Three

In case you missed the Bachelor this week because you were at a MLK parade or maybe you went to bed early so you could have a dream, here is my weekly re-cap of the action.

I hope ABC bought the rights to the Psycho soundtrack, because our girl Michelle broke out the crazy this week. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Episode three started with the tried and true formula of reviewing what had already happened and previewing what was about to happen so that ABC can draw the show out to two hours, giving them more prime advertising opportunities for eHarmony and Lean Cuisine.  On the first solo date, Brad chooses Ashley S. to go with him to a recording studio to conquer his fear of singing in front of three people that he’s never met and come to grips with the fact that he’s tone deaf. Remember, Ashley S. is the nanny from New York with an accent honed well below the Mason-Dixon Line. Out of the 546,786,143,337 songs ever written and recorded, Brad chooses Seal’s (or as he refers to him, “Mr. Seal”) “Kiss From a Rose” for the happy couple to record. All I can figure is that Brad sort of looks like Christian Bale in that neither one of them has ever completely shaved their face, and Christian Bale was in a Batman movie and this song was in a Batman movie, so Brad felt some connection to this song. I probably would have picked “Batdance,” but who am I to judge? Anyway, “Kiss From a Rose” was Ashley S.’s favorite song when she was little. When her dad died, it always made her feel closer to him and so for Brad to pick that song was certainly a sign and all that crap. She shares with Brad about her dad dying; their connection deepens, as do their kisses. Of course she gets the rose and then they sneak into a private Seal concert? I’m not sure what Seal was doing. He wasn’t recording. He never acknowledged their presence, so I don’t think he was singing to them. It was almost as if they were watching him sing in the shower, only he had his clothes on. It was very Cary Grant in “Charade.”

Hey, speaking of bats, Michelle has gone bat-shit crazy! Every confessional is filled with her plans of making babies with Brad and emphatically staking her claim on him. She spends every moment away from Brad talking about Brad, and every moment with the girls is spent subtly sending them mental death threats. You see, Michelle is a woman. Everyone else is a girl. And Michelle hates them.

Time for a group date! This episode’s group date carries on the theme of bad acting, but unlike last week’s soap opera, this week the crew will be filming an action movie. All of the girls start out learning fake karate moves and trying to figure out how much effort they can put into the moves without actually getting sweat stains on their clothes. Michelle is upset that they will be beating up male actors playing bad guys instead of her getting to beat up all the other girls, but she gets super upset when Shawntel not only smokes her in the acting/action department, but in the screen kiss department. But Michelle knows that her first kiss will be the turning point in Brad’s adult life, and she really wants it to happen somewhere other than on screen, so it’s o.k. after all. Um, is it just me? Or does anyone else get the humor that the Action Director of their “movie” is named Steven Ho? That’s right, I said Ho.

The date starts with Brad doing a fake, choreographed fight scene. The funniest part about this is that at some point, Brad had to practice this before the girls arrived. It gives whole new meaning to getting ready for a date. We get to see all of the girls perform the moves, then we get to see Michelle make fun of all the girls, and then Brad tells us how proud he is of the girls. Shawntel is the stand-out at the movie shoot. She hit guys with fire extinguishers, threw refrigerators across the room, did gymnastics, and sucked the skin off brad’s face. Michelle provided voice-over for the entire date and outlined how she would stalk and kill each girl, about how she was going to lock Brad in a closet and deprive him of protein until he relents to her whims and then broke into a sadistic version of Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing.”

After the shoot, everyone went to a rooftop pool and jumped in, squealed, and drank champagne. Each time a girl tried to have some one on one time with Brad, Michelle would use Green Beret tactics to stalk and surprise her prey. At one point, Chantal shares with Brad that when she searched for her birth father that she finally tracked him down only to find he had died weeks before. This helped her realize that she had to live for the day and cease every opportunity. She and Brad embrace as he wipes her tears. The girls and Brad enjoy some sprint races in the pool and some chicken fights before Brad and Alli slip away for some one on one time. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Michelle appears at the counter behind them, drumming her fingers with a “Just whenever you’re done.”  Brad and Michelle go to the top of the building where Michelle tells him that he is not spending enough time with her. She plays the single mom who misses her kid card and Brad eats it up. They have their first kiss, and there must have been something wrong with my television set, because I didn’t see the fireworks, but Michelle did remind us once again that he was hers and that everyone else should just pack their bags. Brad gives the rose to Shawntel and they do some more making out. As the group watches the movie that they filmed from the pool, Michelle tells us all that she is beeping pissed and that Brad is hers and that those other girls better step off. Then she unzips her skin and reveals that she is Satan.

Earlier at the house, the date card arrived for Emily (my favorite). The girls at home with her ask her about telling Brad about being a mom. That’s when she tells the girls the whole story of how her fiancé was killed in a plane crash and how she discovered she was pregnant days later. There was not a dry eye in the house. Through the wine and the tears and the hugs, Team Emily is formed.

Brad arrives to pick up Emily for their romantic date. She looks cute, as always, in a little romper thing that no mere mortal could wear and look that good. Megan describes Emily in confessional footage as being a little Barbie doll with the heart of Mother Teresa, and you want to hate her, but you can’t, because you can’t hate Mother Teresa. Brad decides to give Emily a super surprise by selecting a private plane as their mode of transportation for the date. Emily acts like its great because she doesn’t want to kill his buzz, but boy; he’s going to feel like a putz when he finds out about her baby daddy eating it in a plane crash. The conversation at their winery date is awkward as Brad tries to pull out personal information and Emily answers his questions with as little information as possible. She has the charm, sweetness and accent of a small-busted Dolly Parton in the movie “Straight Talk” with James Woods. Brad is getting super frustrated because he really has the hots for her, but can’t get past her walls. Brad and Emily move into a barn for a romantic dinner surrounded by bales of hay and candlelight. Although I was pretty disappointed that nothing caught on fire, I was happy that Emily finally told Brad about her past. As soon as everything is out in the open, Brad begins his rapid descent into lovey-dove with Emily and she starts knocking back the white wine. Of course, she gets the rose and they share some sweet, Mother Teresa kisses. Brad tells us in confessional that the show’s pretty much over; Emily is a keeper. (During the end credits, we get to see Emily’s human side when she and Brad are roasting marshmallows and she drops one and let some profanity fly.)

The second hour starts with a real treat as we get to watch Brad pace around his house and contemplate the process via voice-over. His L.A. therapist stops by to chat with him. Even though I was hoping it would be Dr. Phil, his new California doctor listens to Brad babble and then guides him toward an epiphany. He helps Brad realize that if he will spend more than fourteen seconds at a time with the girls individually and will shut the hell up long enough for them to complete a sentence, that the girls will open up and he will get a chance to learn something about them. This revelation is a turning point for the Bachelor and he is going to go to the cocktail party, open his heart to the women and find his soul mate.

And now it’s time for a cocktail party! The girls chat while they wait for Brad. Michelle acts like a bitch to everyone, Ashley H. freaks out because she thinks he may have forgotten about their great carnival date, Alli is dressed in a Tiffany’s gift box, and Kimberly apparently found the peacock feather earrings that Keltie accidentally left behind.

Alli references the fact that her dress looks like a gift box and she admits to him that she has trust issues because her dad was running in the streets and she had a sister that she didn’t even know about. She asks Brad if he’s a cheater and he says no. Apparently, that’s all she needs. His word is her bond.

Brad walks by Michelle and she tries to stop him. When he says he’s going to talk to someone real quick, she begins phase three of hysterics. Brad confesses to Chantal that he had been a jack-weed to her earlier when she opened up to him and he didn’t really reciprocate. Before he could stick his tongue down her throat, Michelle comes over to steal Brad away.

Michelle corners Brad and rips him a new one for kissing other girls after he has kissed her and he actually finds it endearing. She tells him that they are in a fight and jumps all over him for kissing these girls, but she laughs after each jab so he thinks it’s cute and that she is just letting him know that she’s into him. Apparently, Brad missed the made for TV movie, “The Trial of Lorena Bobbitt” on the USA network.

Madison has become obsessed with the whole dead baby daddy situation and decides to take one for the team: Team Emily. She doesn’t feel like she should take a spot when there are girls like Emily that don’t just want to find love, but need to find love. She steals away with Brad where she admits to him that she is only a girl by removing the Chiclets from her teeth and revealing that she is not a vampire. Then she tells him that she thinks she wants to bail. Brad thinks she is where he was a few years ago and although he wants her to stay, he isn’t going to stop her.

He immediately goes to some one on one time with Ashley H. and learns that she is thinking about going home as well. Unlike Madison, however it is because she likes him too much and only wants to stay if he really, really likes her. She’s tells him that she’s fine and he walks away, but he realizes by some sort of non-guy sixth sense that she wasn’t really fine and comes back over for some heavy petting.

At last, the rose ceremony starts. Brad gets about two roses into the process when Madison walks out. Brad excuses himself to go talk to her and she lets him know that she’s outtie. He commends her and then launches into a voice-over while we watch him walk around outside and chug a beverage. Then he returns to the ceremony and tells the women that they should go ahead and leave if they don’t really want to be there. He continues to pass out the roses and we are treated to Michelle dramatically blinking her eyes in slow motion after each one is presented. We watch the women as they squirm, waiting for their name, saying little prayers, looking at their feet, fake smiling, and acting shocked, honored and relieved as their names are called.

The chicks that don’t get roses this week are Kimberly and Sarah P.

In post ceremony confessionals, Madison admits in that the process isn’t a fairytale and that Brad was great, but she wasn’t ready. Kimberly says she has no regrets and confesses that Brad is intimidated by her, but it’s no big deal to her, because she could start dating someone tomorrow, so beep Brad. It’s his loss. Sarah P. has never heard of waterproof mascara and pulls a Tammy Faye as she has a small breakdown on the front steps of the mansion. I have no idea what she said because I was so distracted by the black lines running down her face. All I could think about was that commercial for the camera where the couple goes to Italy to take their picture in the same spot where they had taken a crappy picture before; and I just wanted Sarah P. to have her very own second shot after applying some waterproof Extend-a-lash.

The show closes with previews from next week where Brad takes a group date to a radio show with Dr. Drew (even better than Dr. Phil), the girls start to gang up on Ashley H. due to her insecurities and we see Michelle climbing aboard the crazy train. She is pictured with a black eye and I can’t help but think about some Lifetime movie like “Mother May I Sleep With Danger” or some other cheesy would-be thriller where the chick breaks her own arm and then acts like her husband did it.

And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.

Episode Two

In case you were busy watching the BCS National Championship and didn’t see it, here is your weekly update on what you missed on ABCs the Bachelor. More passes were completed on the Bachelor than in the football game, and the blushing hopefuls on ABC actually had more low blows than Auburn’s Nick Fairley. Here’s the play by play:

Episode two starts off with previews of what you’re about to watch, even though you’re about to watch it. After a minute or so of that, they cut to Brad walking around the manicured backyard of his mountaintop digs, wiggling his toes in the lush lawn before picking up a randomly placed football and ambling out onto the pebbled area overlooking an amazing city view. At this point, his voice-over about how the women put him through the ringer yet he feels closer to them in a week (read one night) than he did with the other girls after a month (could it be the three years of being heckled by America combined with intensive therapy, maybe?), is suddenly lost on me. I hear his voice, but all I can do is wonder if those pebbles hurt his bare feet and scrunch up my forehead with my fingertips on my temple, mentally willing him to toss the ball off the cliff.

My telepathic urging of “Toss it! Toss it!” is interrupted by the sound of the squealing girls as Chris Harrison enters the mansion to explain to them how things will go (in case they didn’t read their contract). Each date will have a rose. If it is a one on one date and you do not get the rose, you must go home. If you get a rose you are safe from elimination at the next ceremony. Not every girl will get a date. With that, Chris (looking dapper in a chambray shirt that is conveniently complimentary to both his coloring and the color of the walls that serve as his backdrop) leaves an envelope containing information on the first date and quickly escapes before the shrill screams of the excited women puncture his ear drum, break the glass of the mirror behind him and cause random dogs in the tri-state area to begin barking for no apparent reason.

This episode is speckled with “confessional footage” and we get our first real hint of crazy right off the bat. Melissa confesses that she has been thinking (obsessing) about being on the Bachelor for eight years. She has planned out her ball-gowns and dresses and has even quit her job, so she thinks it’s imperative that she get this date. Get ready for disappointment, Melissa.

We learn that the first one on one date goes to Ashley H. when the girls open the card and read some cute little clever clue-type note that is allegedly from Brad, but please, we all know some twenty-year-old Twi-hard intern writes those things. Ashley tells us that she’s just so honored in that same upward intonation that she introduced to us last week, however this week her accent is also laced with hints of Sarah Palin (she is from Madawaska, Maine – don’t even get me started on all of the jokes about “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” and “Mad Awaska” that I could make). Ashley S. then reveals how hard it is to see the “Other Ashley” get the date. Apparently, if you get humiliated on national television, there is consolation in not losing to someone with the same name as you (I will file that away in case I’m ever asked to be on a reality show with Corey Haim or Corey Feldman, whichever one isn’t dead. Man, that would really suck to lose to a dead person with the same name as you!).

Brad walks in dressed to the nines to pick up his date. The other women (who know he’s coming over to get his date, right?) are sitting around the living room with their bare feet all over everything, wearing sweaty swimsuits and generally looking a mess. Of course, they shriek when he walks in.  Ashley H. walks in wearing a gold sequin tube top with a tutu. Brad says, “Look at you! My God!” She takes this as a compliment, not realizing that his filter kicked in before his third sentence which would have been “You look like you’re going to a formal at Clown College.” They hop in the convertible and take off. We are treated to more voice over about how excited Brad is and some crap about how he planned this great date while they show footage of poor Ashley H. looking like Carrie Underwood in a wind tunnel. Yeah, I believe he planned the date just like I believe he writes those stupid date cards.

They pull off the highway and onto this dark, dirt road. Carrie Underwood, I mean Ashley H. is sort of nervous giggling. You can tell she is thinking that she has been tricked into some Blair Witch/date rape sort of thing. They get to this big power switch that looks like it’s straight from A.C.M.E. (think Wile E. Coyote). She throws the switch and suddenly all of these lights flash on and music starts and they are at their own private carnival (go ahead, convince me she didn’t have any clues and just so happened to put that clown dress on). They run around and knock over bottles with balls and ride the rides and take awkward photos in the photo booth and eat cotton candy and hold hands and skip and giggle. Ashley H. uses her knowledge as a dentist to suck the enamel off of Brad’s teeth in a hot-and-heavy kissing session. Brad’s just so happy that she’s happy until they sit down and actually have a real conversation. Brad opens up about his dad being a dead-beat and coincidentally, Ashley H’s dad was a jack-weed also. He gives her the rose and they have a quick kiss. Brad gets sort of freaked out that her lip-gloss is on his lips and the cameras are rolling, but he get over it soon enough for some more making out on the Ferris Wheel. Brad tells us that “I like this girl. I like this girl a lot.” All I heard was Forrest Gump. I was shocked when the editors didn’t include him yammering on about how he and Ashley were like peas and carrots.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, another date card arrives. It names fifteen girls to go on the date (the largest group date in Bachelor history – how ground breaking!) and none of the girls are thrilled about that. However, Michelle is down-right pissed. After all, tomorrow is her birthday and she wants some alone time with Brad on her birthday. It’s her birthday. Did I mention it’s her birthday?

In case you’re not sure you want to come back after the commercial, we are treated to another preview of what is about to happen. After the break, Michelle gripes to another one of the girls that she is not thrilled to be sharing Brad with so many other girls. After all, it’s her birthday. Then she tells us through her confessional that she is not thrilled to be sharing Brad with so many other girls. After all, it’s her birthday. Other resident psycho, Melissa, lets us know that she’s going to bring it because she always brings it. This is when I realize that if Gwyneth Paltrow chain smoked for about twelve years and slept only in direct sunlight for those same twelve years; she would look exactly like Melissa.

For this group date, the girls and Brad are going to star in public service announcements for the American Red Cross. It’s nice that the producers at ABC are using their power for good instead of evil. The girls arrive and find out what is going on and get their parts for the commercial. I’m so distracted by Raichel’s shirt that I don’t hear anything Brad says. Her breasts are so large and she has them cupped in this hot pink halter top with black fleur-de-lis print. It’s like Mardi Gras. It’s all of the excess and fun of New Orleans wrapped up in her halter top. They were like one of those black and white polka dot negative image patters that you stare at for ten seconds and then when you look away, you can still see that pattern. In fact, I can still see them.

Keltie finds out that she is playing the part of a butch, trucker type with a neck brace and two broken arms. She immediately starts to freak out and feel insecure. That and the fact that her turkey feather from night one has been replaced with a dangling peacock feather for day two looks like it’s signaling the beginning of the end. Crazy Melissa is cast as a cougar (with a great gem when the costume designer on set cuts her down without realizing it). She reminds us that she quit her job to be here and then proceeds to walk on to set while the camera is rolling and kiss brad in the middle of the Spanish soap opera style commercial. Oh, in case you forgot, it’s Michelle’s 30th birthday. Not her 29th. Not her 31st. It’s her 30th. Just wanted to remind you. Vampire Madison is cast as an S & M type and my favorite, Emily, is cast as a maid. Nobody else really matters at this point so I won’t go into everyone else. Oh, except for Britt. Britt is very reserved and shy and doesn’t know how she will ever be able to kiss Brad as the script instructs. But that Britt is a team player, and she musters up the strength to full on stick her tongue down his throat. Way to come out of your shell, Britt. I’m sure you made Mama proud.

Michelle finally works herself up into such a lather, that she sulks off the set. Michelle is clearly  not a favorite of her fellow contestants as each one (even the ones back at the house!) take the opportunity to vocalize and eye roll over Michelle. Gold star to Kimberly for her quote “It’s her birthday, she can cry if she wants to.” Ever the gentleman, Brad goes to find Michelle and put an end to the drama. He finds her sitting in a doorway wearing an Indian outfit. Please note that she was in an 80s outfit for the commercial, meaning that the Pocahontas get up actually came out of her suitcase. She deflects Brad’s questions about her being a self-centered bitch and they hug it out. Michelle then informs us that she is the best kisser in the world. Hum…I wonder if Brad will get to find that out for himself?

They leave the studio and head to the Roosevelt Hotel in dressy clothes. The night is filled with Raichel and Melissa fighting with each other and trying to get the other girls involved so that they will choose sides. Everyone ends up in swim suits in the pool, of course. Michelle unzips her inner crazy and lets it all hang out. Brad, scared that she will kill him in the night and wear his skin like last year’s Versace, gives her the rose to ensure that he will live another day.

Jackie gets the next one on one date which will last all day long. Brad picks her up in the convertible, and thus starts the voice-over about how Jackie has no clue about what’s about to happen and how he planned this great date, blah, blah, blah. Same shit; different date. He says that this date is going to be her very own “Pretty Woman” experience. Um, wasn’t Julia Roberts a hooker in that movie? They go to Beverly Hills and have a spa day. They have mud facials in their matching robes and he gives her a greasy hand massage before taking her upstairs to reveal a suite filled with designer shoes and ball-gowns for her to select from. A hair and make-up artist start to get her all gussied up.

Back at the house, Emily calls her daughter. This is the longest she’s been away from her. She has not yet told Brad that she has a child or about how her baby daddy died. She wants to wait until she can tell him in her own way and without rushing. She wears too much eye-liner, but I still am pulling for her to win.

Jackie is ready now in one of the ugliest dresses to choose from and Brad loads her down with jewelry before they are whisked away to their next stop. They end up at the Hollywood Bowl. I’m scared for a moment that she is going to sing to him, but thank goodness that doesn’t happen. Over dinner, Brad finds out that she’s only had two boyfriends in her entire life. He thinks she may be where he was three years ago. It’s like Jackie is sitting there waving a huge red flag right in his face, but apparently the thrill of it all or the endorphins from seeing their name together in lights (yeah, their names were on the marquis) caused Brad to go ahead and give her the rose. Next the stage swivels around and the band Train performs a private concert for them (I wonder who they pissed off). They (Brad and Jackie, not Train) dance and kiss the night away.

Time for a rose ceremony! Brad walks (across the freshly wet so they will sparkle landscaping rocks) in to the mansion met by the usual shrill squealing. The first thing I notice is Keltie’s hair. This girl is just going from bad to worse. It looks like she is wearing a Renaissance period hat only it is her hair (with that damn peacock feather again). I can’t even talk about it. Let’s move on. Brad hardly gets a sentence out before Michelle (who already has a rose) grabs Brad’s hand and drags him away. She asks him if he likes Starbucks of Coffee Bean and what he keeps in his refrigerator. When she reveals these very important questions to the other girls, they want to kill her even more. Sweet Emily thought she was being a smart-ass but quickly realizes that Michelle is serious. Two points for Emily who takes a drink of champagne to keep from verbally saying what you could read all over her face.

Raichel and Melissa fight some more. They get everyone else involved and they cry like the nut-jobs that they are. Then they take it to Brad so he can witness the lunacy first hand. Now we learn from Chris Harrison that there are some special quests about to arrive. Ali Fedotowsky and Roberto Martinez are stopping by! Great pick by the producers at ABC. This is not the first time that others have come in to interview the girls and help the Bachelor make his decision. Ali, much like Brad, left the show empty handed when she chose to leave as a front-runner so that she wouldn’t lose her job. She came back the second time and selected Roberto. They are one of the few couples matched on the show that are still dating in real life. Kudos for this subtle reminder that they have actually had success on this show before.

Ali and Roberto interview all of the girls and take notes. Michelle tells them that yesterday was her birthday. Keltie scares them with her hair. Melissa cries all over them because Raichel is mean. They clue in to the Raichel/Melissa drama and more than likely tell Brad to run away, run away! Their pick for girl most likely to be there for the right reasons is Emily. So Brad goes with their suggestion and gives Emily a rose.

The rest of the roses went like usual. The camera zoomed in on each girl biting her lip, looking around, faking joy with each name called. Sweat beads began to form at their hairline as the seconds ticked by and they did not have a rose. As each finalist accepted their rose, they each tried to accept it with a new phrase such as yes, my pleasure, of course, I would love to, definitely; and then they awkwardly hug the Bachelor before returning to the herd. Raichel at one point is literally biting her tongue. Melissa is looking around oscillating from smug to pure horrified. Keltie is looking down and then up and then down and then up; not only revealing her genuine worry, but her poorly applied eye shadow. And then, as the music comes to a climax, all of the roses have been handed out. “Ladies, take a moment to say your good byes.”

Keltie is nice to Brad, but then walks out and bawls about how awkward she is and then chronicles her dating disasters from set ups to online dating to dating people at work (“that never works out well”) and the regular dating. Wait, go back to dating at work. Aren’t you a Rockette? Aren’t they all girls? I think there is a good story in there. Spill it, sister.  Cut to Melissa who tells Brad it was nice to meet them as if she had just met him at the grocery and not spent the last 72 hours crying and fighting and acting completely insane. She exits and reveals that she is a really nice person and that people targeted her. She also revealed that the top of her dress didn’t fit properly as she tugged it up continuously. And last, but certainly not least to leave the mansion was Raichel and her globes of awesomeness. She doesn’t feel like she should be crying and she isn’t going to keep crying because then it means Melissa won. Then she starts to cry even more.

Back in the house, everyone raises a glass and we get to see previews. ABC is going to break out Seal very soon (take that, Train), Michelle takes crazy to a whole new level and Emily struggles with telling Brad that she has a kid and that her kid’s dad is dead. I’m sticking with Emily as my favorite at this point and I’m just hoping that crazy gets weeded out before anyone actually gets slaughtered. Because if someone dies, they would take the show off the air and we wouldn’t have this quality example of how we can’t all be both smart *and* pretty.

And that’s what happened on episode two of the Bachelor.

Episode One

Several of you have asked me if I’m watching this season of ABC’s The Bachelor. The answer is simple; Hell, yes! So I figured that I would do sort of a “Watch What Happens Live!” update for you, except that it is read instead of watch, it isn’t live and it isn’t on Bravo!

SPOILER ALERT!!!!  If you think that this is the year that ABC stacks the pool of bachelorettes with rocket scientists and pretty plump girls with muffin-tops; you’re going to be very disappointed.

I’m really not going to focus on the girls that get eliminated, unless there is just a real stand out, but I will give you my opinions on the remaining lucky ladies.

This season’s bachelor is Brad Womack, who really pissed off a lot of people years ago when he was the bachelor the first time around. He wined and dined the ladies, but in the end, he sent both finalists packing because he was the smartest person to ever be on the show, um, I mean, he had commitment issues that he has been working on for the last three years since the original show aired.

The show starts with a recap of what happened the first go around, blah, blah, blah.  Just like the typical Bachelor episode is filled with 20 minutes of replaying what happened on a previous episode, this one spends 20 minutes showing what happened on a previous season.  I did, however, have an epiphany when the episode started. When I worked in marketing for a metal building manufacturer, I learned that buildings look better in photographs if they are wet. The asphalt really pops and everything looks fresh and clean. As the Steve Miller Band would sing, “everything’s better when wet.” I noticed that the shots of the Bachelor’s mansion, all of the rocks, pavement, etc. are soaking wet. Yes, everything is sparkly and shiny, and this hints to what extent the Bachelor is filmed through a rose-tinted camera.

In the opening, Brad talks about his amazing therapist and then blames his decisions from his first season on his father being a dead-beat. But he’s learned to open up his heart, not to mention he got a pretty kick-ass back tattoo. He talks about how his brothers’ have both had kids since the last show, so expect some wayward glances with Brad checking out to see if the girls have good birthing hips when they’re at the hot tub. Brad then spends a few minutes looking down and then up at the camera (sort of like the original opening of Beverly Hills 90210; think Ian Ziering) while we hear voice over of his therapist talking about how much progress Brad has made and how he thinks Brad is ready to make a commitment. Wonder if the good doctor got paid by the hour for filming this? (“Um, I’m sorry, can I get another take? I accidentally flubbed my line, I mean; I messed up while speaking from the heart.”) Then we see Brad walking up to the house carrying one small bag. Hell, that thing wouldn’t carry all of his hair products, much less all of his clothes (after the commercial break we watch Brad gratuitously shower and then dress in his closet that is filled with clothes that would have taken about 12 of those stupid red bags).  Cut to a Rocky IV type training sequence with Brad splashing about the pool and working the jump rope.

Now let’s get this party started. First we get a chance to meet the girls who will fight for Brad. ABC presents them in their own words with a short video clip of them doing what they do in their normal life. Actually, we only meet nine of them like this. Amazingly, these nine get a rose. Now for the montage of lips being made up, champagne flutes clinking, dresses twirling, girls saying stupid stuff about it being “on” and lots of woo-hoo’s from the ladies.

Chris Harrison (who I actually really like. I know, right?) greets Brad at the mansion. Chris is looking impeccable in an amazing tailored brown suit with a great tie. Brad has a few panic attacks in the driveway and Chris reminds him about what a giant jack-weed he is. Chris sits down with Brad to rehash everything we just watched and drag things out so that this will be a two-hour episode. Just as Brad is starting to feel better about things after his ten minute dissertation about how sorry he is; Chris tells him that the two girls he dumped are there and that he is going to get to see them face to face. After Brad soils himself, ABC politely cuts to a commercial so that he can change his shorts.

The girls come on flashing giant diamond rings and are super happy; although Deanna makes it clear with her demeanor that she wouldn’t spit on Brad if he were to spontaneously burst into flames. Chris asks them how they feel about things and they take the opportunity to make Brad feel like shit before flashing their rings again and saying how super happy they are. I’m not sure why they didn’t spring for the therapist to join them for some further psychoanalysis, but whatever.

And now the girls arrive. Same as always; some are hot, some are awkwardly hideous but in a skinny with a weave so it’s o.k. sort of way. I’ll introduce them in the order that they arrive, but I will throw in information from their “let’s meet the girls” bios and the stupid stuff they do at the cocktail party just so that we can move this along and not have to jump around too much (although Kris Kross does make me want to jump, jump). There’s really no reason to detail the cocktail party, either. It starts with ten minutes of the girls questioning Brad as to if he’s changed, if he will actually pick someone this time, etc. Brad spends most of the time doing voice over of how hard this is, how he’s changed but no one seems to believe him, etc. Then the girls spend the rest of the time being stupid, getting jealous that other girls are talking to Brad and adjusting their strapless dresses.

Chantal O. is the first out of the limo. Although she is the only girl named Chantal on the show, the producers put her last initial on the screen because even they are confused on the difference between the pronunciation of Chantal and Shawntel. Chantal works for her family and they basically pay for everything. She was married before, but that didn’t work out. She hasn’t been divorced long (I’m wondering if the ink is even dry) and she doesn’t like being alone and wants to get married again. Apparently, she hasn’t figured out that you can hire someone to come over and take the garbage out. She and her boobs get out of the car and she promptly slaps the hell out of Brad on behalf of every woman in America.

Kimberly, a Marketing Coordinator from Orlando gets out next in a short, purple, full-sequin dress that makes her lower half look enormous. I have no idea what Kimberly says or does the entire show, because every time she is on screen, her dress causes me to have a seizure.

Alli, an Apparel Merchant, starts out by saying “I know America hates you.” Apparently she read How to Make Friends and Influence People on the plane over. She asks Brad to check out her ass and make sure that it is acceptable to him because someone broke up with her once because it was too big. She and Renee get into a tug-o-war over him. I was sort of embarrassed for them both.

Ashley S. is a nanny from New York, but she’s really from the South. This is great because unlike Brad who’s dad left and made him a cold-hearted man-whore, Ashley’s dad left when he died three years ago leaving her with an understanding of how short life is and how you have to treasure crap and all that. If nothing else, you’ll enjoy the number of syllables she manages to put in the word “now.” She tells Brad he’s a tall drink of water and he’s so freaking happy that he’s not being assaulted, that he tells her that he loves her already. Then she grabs his ass. Brad likes her at the party because she told him that she wasn’t going to question anything and that if he needs a friend that she’s there for him. He eats this up with a spoon a gives her the first impression rose. The girl’s so country sounding, I half expected her to respond with an “Aw, shucks” when he gave it to her. I’m from the South, and I need subtitles when she talks.

Meghan is a Fashion Marketer that thinks dating is like shopping and thinks that men are an accessory. I hope she ends up with Brad, because she needs a better accessory than the shoes she is wearing. They are hot pink platforms that look like small cartoon characters on her feet.

They flash to the girls in the house starting to drink and discuss whether or not Brad will be able to commit and start placing wagers on if anyone will actually get a ring. If you can move your eyes away from the large amounts of cleavage, you can actually see some of the girls trying to do math in their head and calculate their chances of finding love.

Back outside on the wet concrete, Marissa arrives. She’s a Sports Publicist who doesn’t have a life outside of her job. Brad, once again, tells a girl that he loves her.

Lindsay is a 1st Grade Teacher from Brad’s home state of Texas. I can already see the stupid-ass stuff they will have her students do if she makes it to the hometown dates. I see little kids with high-pitched voices screaming in unison to pick their teacher while they hold up “homemade” signs in her honor. That’s right, you heard it here first.

Ashley H. is a Dentist. Oh, I’m sorry. She’s an artist and the mouth is her canvas. We may need a drop cloth over here, Da Vinci, because I just threw up a little on your canvas. She has a smoking body, even in the prom dress that she holds like a full diaper when she walks. Oh, and she’s a hugger.

Raichel is a “Manscaper” also known by respectable people as an esthetician. Her outside meeting is forgettable, but as soon as she is inside the mansion with the Bachelor, she uses the term undercarriage and bat-wings in casual conversation. That’s right, keep it classy. Chick needs to go. She hangs out with guys’ balls all day long, for crying out loud. And not just any guys, but guys that can take the pain of hot wax on their unit. It’s like hanging out with a fastidious group of Hell’s Angels. I’ve seen your eyebrows, Brad, you can’t compete with that.

Madison tells Brad that he looks delicious, throws out a phrase in French and then pretends that she can’t remember his name. She takes intentionally aloof to a whole new level. She is a Model from Forks, Washington. She has been sent to the Bachelor by the Volturi and only has until Twilight to change Brad or they will be forced to take action. Chick has fangs. The only thing more disturbing than the fact that she has fangs is when Brad asks her about them and she totally evades the question. Then he mutters under his breath that they are kind of hot. They are kind of hot like a straight-jacket is kind of sexy. Um, no. I love the fact that ABC changed the music ever so slightly when she got out of the limo to a horror movie sound track vibe. Extra points for whoever came up with that little gem. Oh, when she gets a rose from Brad during the ceremony, she fake bites his neck; underlining the clear writing on the wall that claims that she is nothing short of bat-shit crazy (pun intended).

Melissa is a 32 year old Waitress. Wait for it…..from Connecticut. If she were a thirty-something waitress from Hollywood, maybe, but from Connecticut? I’m guessing Chick may lack ambition. However, she is very spry, as she leaps out of the limo and then leaps into Brad’s arms and admits that she did not watch his previous season. And then they have a conversation (while he holds her off the ground). When he puts her down, he asks if he can hug her again. Maybe he was hoping for a happy ending.

Renee is a nanny with an annoying voice that floats up in intonation every time she says something. But she gets cut, so it will be o.k. She spends more time talking to the camera than to Brad and makes it pretty clear that the other women are “bitches.”

Cristy is an attorney. I almost noticed how wrinkled her dress was and how bad she needed a pair of Spanx, but I go so distracted by her enormous breasts that I got confused. Also, when she laughed, her teeth looked like the love child of that plant from Rocky Horror Picture Show and the creature from Alien. Yeah, she’s going home.

Jackie is an Artist who lost me when she asked Brad to pinky swear. She finds Brad “sexy” and then proceeds to sing to him. Badly. Very badly. She tells the camera that she really, really wants a rose and how it would totally suck if she went home tonight.

Sarah P. is a Real Estate Broker. She has one eye that opens a millisecond after the other one when she blinks. It’s like one of those baby dolls from when I was a kid that would close its eyes when it was lying down and open them when it was upright. After time, there was always one eye that sort of got stuck and you’d have to give it a little shake to make both eyes pop open. Something tells me, we’re going to have to give Sarah a little shake after a cocktail or two. Chick had Brad get on his knees and propose; just to make sure he knew how.

Lacey is an insurance agent that gets out of the limo and indiscreetly adjusts her dress. She shakes her finger at Brad and questions his sincerity. I think she’s trying to sound facetious, but she comes off as a bitch. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t get a rose.

Lauren is a high school teacher who is about as exciting as dry toast. Ba-bye.

Lisa P. is a bubbly Sales Consultant that doesn’t realize that when she is standing directly in front of Brad adjusting her dress that HE CAN SEE HER! No rose for you.

Shawntel (not to be confused with Chantal) is a Funeral Director. Chick hangs out with dead people. Dan Aykroyd couldn’t make it non-creepy in “My Girl” and she isn’t going to make in non-creepy either. The only reason she’s around is because Brad couldn’t figure out how to say her name any differently than Chantal and so she got a rose. She seems pretty laid back, but I suppose you’d have to be to hang out with dead people all day. She has a small tattoo on the back of her neck. It looked like something in Chinese. It’d be cool if it was Chinese for “I see dead people.”

The next girl does something different. She rolls the limo window down just a smidgen and waves for Brad to come over to the door. He walks over and opens the door and out comes Britnee, a Paralegal. She’s super cute, but she used all of her chat time by making him walk all the way over to the limo. Enjoy it while it lasts, Britnee, because your time is ticking.

Stacey arrives next. She’s the only woman I’ve ever seen that could make a black velvet dress look slutty. She’s a Bartender and since Brad owns a bar, I see them making up specialty drinks at some point, probably making all the other girls jealous. Oh, and I found out where Snookie’s Bump-It went. Stacey is wearing it.

Jill is a Sales Director from Texas who says, “Hi, I’m ready to get married.” As she walks into the house, the camera shows Brad’s face. His teeth are clinched into a grin and his eyes are slightly crossed. You can actually hear him thinking, “Holy shit, that one is a nut job.” No rose for Jill, bless her heart.

Lisa M. is a Marketing Coordinator. She is wearing ruby slippers. She is from Kansas. She even had on a short blue (although not gingham) dress. I’m willing to bet money that she will get on my nerves before this whole process is over.

Rebecca is an esthetician. I don’t understand. Why doesn’t she just say she’s a manscaper? She quotes her “grandma” and then offhandedly kisses him. In about ten hours she’ll be crying in the back of a limo talking to grandma on the phone saying, “I don’t understand, Grandma, the stuff about the frog and the prince didn’t work!”

J is an Operations Manager. She is also in the witness protection program. Seriously? You just go by one letter?  J announces that it’s her birthday (I can think of like four ulterior reasons to tell him this in about a nano-second and they have nothing to do with casual conversation) and I notice that the back of her dress is ill-fitting. Maybe she had extra fabric put in to compensate for the microphone unit. Oh, happy birthday, J, you’re not getting a rose (cue up the Morrisey).

Keltie is a Radio City Rockette that shows her leg, does a kick and uses the word bananas in a sentence without looking stupid. This girl’s a keeper. She’s in my top two. I just wish her name didn’t make me think of horses. She’s a “dancer and a hugger” and she’s even wearing some long feather thing in her hair, yet I still like her. I wonder if she’s the anti-christ?

Sarah L. is a Music Theatre Performer with a dress down cut to South America. She says she has to get something off her chest, but it looks to me like she already did that. Her revelation: she can’t snap her fingers. I’m sorry, was she talking? I just fell asleep. Hope you didn’t pack your suitcase full of bud vases, because you’re on the first limo home, sister.

Emily is a Hospital Event Planner. You can tell that Brad is smitten with her as soon as she gets out of the limo. I really like this girl, but it could be because I already know her back story. She was the long-time girlfriend of Rick Hendricks’ (who owns the NASCAR racing ream comprised of Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Jimmie Johnson, Jeff Gordon, and Mark Martin [Mark Martin is still alive, right?]) son who was killed in a plane crash after a race several years ago. She found out right after he died that she was pregnant. She is Southern and classy and I hope she makes it far because I don’t want her to get cut, but I hope she doesn’t end up with some total douche bag; which Brad may or may not be.

Britt is a Food Writer. She sort of looks like Daryl Hannah in the movie “Splash.” In an attempt to get to Brad’s heart through his stomach, she hands him a minuscule bag of some sort of food. I only wish it was Gummy Bears and that she’d said “it’s been in my pocket, they’re real warm and soft.”

Michelle is a Hair Stylist. She stole her dress from the movie set “Coming to America.” It was once worn by one of the servants in Zamunda. She is a single parent with traces of desperation mixed with crazy.  If she was older, I’d wonder if the screen play “Fatal Attraction” was based on her, but since she’s not, I don’t. She lets it out of the bag real quick that she’s not there to make friends; she’s there to find someone to be her baby daddy. She makes it clear to both Brad and the camera that she is a “woman” and not a little girl. When Brad asks her what’s she’s been through, her response was basically “child birth.” Then she interrupts him repeatedly while he tries to tell her he’s cool with her having a kid.

The rose ceremony is as awesome as ever with the drawn out presentations intertwined with close ups of the girls faces fake smiling, slow motion blinking, swallowing down clumps of vomit, trying not to look utterly dejected and looking around the room like Susanna Hoffs in the “Walk Like an Egyptian” video. After Brad hands out the final rose of the night, the rejects scurry out all teary eyed while the remaining women share in a champagne toast. Brad is so happy and feels that his past indiscretions have been forgiven, that the women here are here for the right reasons, and that his wife is in this bunch! Yay, for Brad! My picks for favorite are Emily and Keltie, but the Bachelor never picks my favorites. So, I’m going to call the final four as Emily (who may actually not be over her dead ex-boyfriend), Ashley H. (because, let’s face it, she has a banging body and he’s a guy), and Chantal and Shawntel simply because he can’t figure out how to pronounce the subtle nuances in their names.

And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.