In case you are still recovering from the Super Bowl and missed last night’s episode of ABC’s the Bachelor, here is your weekly re-cap.
The crew packed up and headed to Costa Rica for this episode. We were treated to standard shots of beautiful ocean water and lush greenery while Brad talked about how fantastic the place was and fulfilled their contractual obligations for their discounted or free lodging. The tourism board got their money’s worth in this episode as they continued to showcase their product when the girls arrived and rode in on a bus while filming the countryside with home movie quality film. Emily started talking about a rain forest, but all I could hear was Kathleen Turner asking, “Is this the bus to Cartagena?” as they looped around the winding roads passing cows and peasant people. Then they see this amazing volcano and all I can think about is when Ally left that freak that wanted to “guard her heart” at the top of the volcano. How cool would it be if they just tossed Michelle right into a volcano? Just thinking about it makes me feel awesome. The airlines must have lost Brad’s suitcase that contained his thesaurus, as the only adjective he used in the entire opening voice-over was “really” as in, I’m really excited to be here, it’s really beautiful, I’m really emotionally invested, it’s really a lot harder this go around, etc.
The first date card reveals that Chantal will have the first one on one date. Three guesses who starts totally flipping out. That’s right; Michelle. She is flipping out not only in her confessional footage, but is clearly disturbed in the footage with the other girls. She is no longer thinking about giving the other girls black eyes, however. Now she is planning for Chantal to be attacked by wild monkeys or better yet, apes. Mauled by a bunch of apes…is that foreshadowing that Chantal will be the next Bachelorette?
Chantal leaves with Brad looking pretty chunky in layered tank tops and what can only be described as period pants. They leave in a helicopter and head to the longest zip line in the world. It immediately starts raining which spurs voice-over rain analogies from Chantal and Brad over-analyzes why the hell it rains every time he is with Chantal? She goes first and then he follows down the zip line. Then they go together. Then they go again separately. Then they go together. How are they getting back up the mountain each time? Certainly they aren’t walking. I hope she has one of those pads with wings. Then they start making out because Brad is so happy that Chantal made it through the day without crying. Wait! What is that in the tree? Look out! It’s a monkey! Michelle’s evil minion come to wreck the date. Dammit, it was just a regular indigenous monkey. I was sort of hoping for an attack of the killer monkey moment. For the second part of the date, they arrive at a picnic set up next to the water. Of course as soon as they sit down, it starts to pour down rain again. They run to Brad’s conveniently nearby room where Chantal slips into one of Brad’s white, button down, super starched, dress shirts. Brad is clearly aroused and has to excuse himself to um…change clothes. They talk and then make out and she tells him she’s crazy about him. Brad gives her a rose and then she confesses to us that she “fell in love today.”
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Michelle is thrilled with they “crazy rain” (she should know) and hopes that it ruins Chantal’s date. The group date card arrives. So far, Britt and Alli are the only remaining girls who have not yet had a one on one date. After the card is read, we find out that poor Britt still will have that status. Michelle tells Emily that she doesn’t like Chantal because she finds her to be “over-confident, aggressive and egotistical.” Although poor Emily just looks at her, you can see by her face that she is doing a mental inventory of nearby sharp objects and charting out an escape route. Back in confessional Michelle admits that she hates group dates. She also hates rain. And she really hates that Chantal came home in Brad’s shirt.
Group date time! The girls put on a harness and helmet and head to a cliff where they learn they will repel down a waterfall. Jackie starts hyperventilating and Michelle throws the crazy switch up to the red zone. She is super pissed because Brad vowed to her (he actually pinky swore) after they repelled down a building that he would never repel down anything with anyone other than her ever again. Now I don’t care enough to go look this up, but I think he actually swore he wouldn’t repel down a building. But I’ll go with it and say he swore not to repel down anything. One by one the girls go down, even the terrified Jackie. Finally it is just Brad and Michelle at the top. She’s super annoyed that Brad is being nice to the other girls. She starts hitting him and calls him an asshole until Brad clues in and tells her that they are going to repel down together and that was the plan all along because he would never break a super special pinky swear. Michelle eats it up, puts her crazy back in her pocket and they go over the edge. The second part of the date takes place at a natural hot spring. Michelle watches Brad as he takes off his shirt and appears to have a mini-orgasm. In confessional, she tells us what she wants to do to Brad, but her mouth has to be blurred and they beep it, so I guess we will only have to guess. She also confesses that the other girls are on her nerves and that they just need to go home.
Emily tells Brad that she really likes him but that she has a habit of sabotaging things with guys. She doesn’t want to do that with Brad and he says he won’t let her. Then they make out. Back at the house, there is a beetle in the foyer. Alli flips her lid because she doesn’t like bugs that crunch. She is screaming so loudly that Brad and Michelle can hear her all the way down in the hot spring. Michelle begins her usual crazy talk about sexy dates with Chantal. Brad tells her that she has to trust him and that he is getting tired of her getting pissed all the time. Brad is so irritated that he doesn’t give out a rose on this date. Michelle tells the camera that if Brad can’t make a decision, then she’ll have to take matters into her own hands. If this show was aired live, the phone lines at ABC would be lit up as family members of Brad Womack called in asking for extra security.
For the one on one date with Alli, Brad picks her up on horse back. Only her horse isn’t a full size horse, it’s like a pack mule baby horse. and there are two little midget horses following them. I’m so confused by this. It’s like a LSD dream. Why the hell were two baby horses following them around on their little petite horses? Anyway, they put on helmets and packs and go into a 40 million year old cave with a water and rock floor. Right about the time Brad tells Alli that she’s doing great, she sees a spider. It’s one of those big ass spiders like people used to have to eat on Fear Factor, or the one that the professor of dark magic did the unspeakable spell on in one of the Harry Potter movies. It was definitely in the crunchy category. Then she sees not just one bat, but a gang of bats. As much a I thought she was actually going to throw up on him (that would have been so cool) she makes it through because Brad is there to protect her. They make it to the natural stairs called by locals “the altar.” Brad says, “Oh my god.” Alli says, “Oh my god.” Brad says, “This is awesome.” Alli says, “This is awesome.” Then they toast with something that looks like that V8 fruit blend crap. I think I’d rather eat the spider. For the second half of the date, they dine by this steaming pool. Alli can’t seem to figure out how to eat her chicken. When she asks what it is and Brad says, “it’s chicken” I swear they had to edit out “you dumb ass” right after that because clearly that is what he was thinking. Brad is irritated that they are making small talk instead of having a real conversation. Alli never makes eye contact with him when she talks. Then she describes her last boyfriend. She says that he was great and would be wonderful for someone, but that he just wasn’t the one for her. Brad thinks funny you should say that and tells her that is how he feels about her and that he can’t give her a rose. She takes it well and he walks her out.
Back at the house, Michelle is psycho copying the odd braid that Emily had in her hair earlier in the day. The girls all vote that Alli will not be coming back and soon her bag is wheeled off; confirming their vote. Brad confesses that he’s emotionally spent and needs some down time. But there’s no rest for the weary, as Michelle shows up at his door. Brad is “stunned” or so he tells her at least four times. You can tell he’s a bit freaked out. She starts kissing him and tells him it was good to send Alli home. The she tells him it bothers her that he kept Chantal. She tells him that she’s pissed that she didn’t get a rose on the group date. Then she tells him that the order he should send everyone home will be as follows: Britt, Jackie, Chantal, Shawntel, Emily and Ashley. But she wants him to figure this out on his own. This time with Brad made Michelle feel confident, but has left Brad feeling a bit out of sorts.
Cocktail party! Brad says that he’s had a rough day, but that he is in the perfect mindset to make decisions. Emily tells him that she feels like an idiot for saying stuff to him about sabotaging things in the past and addresses all of Brad’s concerns without him even having to bring them up. Brad tells Michelle that she’s scaring him. He feels like they are going backward. Michelle says she only told Brad things because he asked her to. She starts crying because she knows she is supposed to be there. She then confesses to the camera that “I want to be married and have more children. I want someone LIKE Brad.” Then Michelle questions if she is crazy. (At this point, I actually screamed at the television. “YES! Can you hear me, Michelle? The answer is YES!”) The girls ask Michelle point-blank if she said something to Brad and she finally admits that she went to Brad’s room. As you can imagine, the other girls are not thrilled with this. Shawntel tells Brad that her feelings have grown and that she is in love with him. Brad asks her why she thinks that and she tells him that it is because this journey is no more about her; it has become about him. He is so thrilled that she told him because she already has a rose and he knows she had nothing to gain by telling him this. Um, am I the only one that remembers that there is another rose ceremony next week? Of course she has something to gain. Good golly, do these people not think ahead?
Rose Ceremony! Five roses are given out as Shawntel does this weird pucker thing with her mouth. Michelle’s face ranges from incredibly nervous to pure sour looking. The roses go to Ashely, Emily, Britt (oh, you should have seen Michelle’s face – he’s not going according to her plan!!!), Shawntel and the final rose goes to…..Michelle. (Chantal looks like she’s going to cry when he give a rose to Michelle. It’s wonderful.) Jackie hugs everyone and Brad walks her to the car. He tells her how great she is and they hug it out. In the car, she says she wasn’t expecting it and that she was in love. She tries to cry, but doesn’t really and then she blames everything on herself.
The remaining girls and Brad toast and he tells them that they are all going to Anguilla! Yay! Wait. Where? Even Brad has to tell the girls they are going to one of the best places in the Caribbean, Anguilla. In case you don’t want to look it up, I looked it up for you. It is one of the Lesser Antilles. It’s just to the east of the Virgin Islands. The exchange rate is fixed to the US dollar at US$1 = EC$2.68 and everyone speaks English. I’m willing to bet that the Bachelor gets plenty of bang for his buck (pun intended).
And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.