Monthly Archives: March 2010

T.V. As I See It

Tuesday’s gone with the wind and Tuesday night television was like a tornado. So, Scout went to his Dad’s for dinner and Dozier was at home sick (and therefore laying around watching television and not all up in my business) and I took this opportunity to flip back and forth between Dancing With the Stars and American Idol.

I anticipated Buzz Aldrin would be in the bottom two with a close second of Sour Puss Gosselin. However, just fifteen seconds into the show, Tom Bergeron (who I loved on Fox After Breakfast and will forever be indebted to for taking over AFV and getting rid of that damn Bob Saget) announced that Buzz was safe. That was like one big WTF moment for the day. To get over the shock, I flipped over expecting to hear Seacrest saying “This is American Idol” and instead, he’s walking around back stage and the judges are in a big make-out huddle off to the side.

I have way too many observations about tonight to go into detail (I have got to hook up a TV in my bedroom so I can write and watch at the same time!), but I will share a few of the highlights (or low lights) of the evening.

American Idol: Big Mike. The guy can sing, but I swear, every time someone calls him Big Mike, I expect Sandy Bullock to run out and tell him to protect the family. I’m waiting for him to make it to the final show, lean over Seacrest and say “I don’t like to be called Big Mike.”

Oh, Didi…What Becomes of the Broken Hearted…please, this one hit wonder is one of the worst songs in the history of man. I didn’t cry when Paul Young covered it in Fried Green Tomatoes, I didn’t even cry when Rod Stewart covered it, but you blubbered all over Usher like there was no tomorrow. The look on his face – that please, for the love of God, will someone spray her down with Lysol look – that was worth all of your tears. The only thing more painful than hearing that song was when it was over and the camera captured Didi’s friends and family and the dude in the brown t-shirt (friend) looked over at the mom and said “That sucked!” The only thing more painful than that was when Ryan announced to the world that Didi had tried out for American Idol multiple times and planned to sing that particular song just so one person could hear it. Holy hell, chick, have you never heard of American Top 40 Long Distance Dedications?

So right about the time that Uncle Jessie was beating it with the Beach Boys, Casey Jones (aka the cute Bucky) was on stage with his red guitar (which reminded me of Flo-Jo’s mid-80s Nike commercial in which she exclaimed, “Iz got ret toenails.”) singing some song and looking hot. I’m not a fan of blondes, but yowza!

Just before one of the Jonas Brothers got up and sang an Anita Baker song, Subway announced that pepperoni is the new bacon. I have mixed feelings about that, but I was so happy that no one was singing the five dollar foot long song that I just accepted it.

I missed the Haitian dancers trying to raise money, but I did catch the back five of the Len Commandments. Of course the whole show was worth it to see the hot dancer chick elbow the guy in the face over and over again on the replay. Meanwhile, not only did Kate Gosselin stand there the whole time looking like the only thing in her head was the phrase “I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life,” but I think at one point she actually mouthed the words, “I want to die.” But I wasn’t watching that closely, so I could be wrong.

Tonight one of the age old debates was settled once and for all. Jennie Garth made it to the next to the final episode on Dancing With the Stars (and she was sort of chunky then) and Shannon Doherty (who has amazing legs) got the boot at the first elimination proving once and for all that everyone liked Kelly better than Brenda. On a personal note, I could have gone without seeing Brenda’s not quite a gap but not close enough together two front teeth after all these years.

Now that Dancing With the Stars was over, I began flipping between American Idol and Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Tonight’s episode featured guest judges Cloris Leachman and Debbie Reynolds. I could have watched Biggest Losers, but it’s the Couples edition and I really don’t want to see fat people sweating, much less do I want to see fat people sweating and holding hands. (No offense meant to fat people. I’m probably just pissed off that they are in a couple and I am not).

Anyway, on Ru Paul’s Drag Race, the girls were given the challenge of turning a group of old men (“Silver Daddies”) into “Golden Mamas.” One guy had a full beard, one looked like a serial killer and one was a “displaced mortgage broker.”

Back on Fox, the Latin Shoney’s Big Boy was wearing a picnic blanket for a shirt and one of Taylor Hicks’ suits and Honey, he knocked it out of the park with an acoustic version of a Chris Brown song.

Next, Danica Patrick finally got to use the double order of Bumpits (as seen on tv) while wearing a 70s jungle Barbie outfit. I think Farah Fawcett wore that same outfit without the black leggings on a guest starring role on the Six Million Dollar Man. The pleated front with the bow on the back didn’t work for her either.

Did Ellen mean to leave her bow tie untied? Did she just leave her day job and loosen her tie while sipping on a scotch neat and just wander into the studio? She looks like an episode of Mad Men with an all female cast.

Back with Ru…my favorite contestant, Pandora Boxx, has gotten together with her Golden Mama and chosen the mother’s name…Litter Boxx. As the girls are applying make-up to their “mothers,” one older gentleman mentions Oscar Wilde. The “girl” applying his make-up says, “Who’s Oscar Wilde?” and the displaced mortgage broker with the booming voice says, “That is no homosexual over there! Who is Oscar Wilde? Girl, please!”

At the Kodak Theatre, Prison Boy is singing. This guy could sing the phone book to me. Damn, I love his voice!

So this week, each time a contestant leaves the stage a camera picks up the action behind the scenes. It’s like they stole a page from the Project Runway playbook. Tonight, each time a contestant went back there and the camera followed, Big Mike had on less and less clothes. I kept expecting to see him and Ellen getting loose and sipping a martini.

Speaking of martinis, back at the Drag Race, the girls were hanging in the Absolut Vodka Lounge while the judges debated who was on the line. It was time for the bottom two girls to “lip-sync for their life.” It was Pandora vs. Jujubee in an all out battle of lip-syncing to Debbie Gibson’s Shake Your Love.

The best news of the night came when I flipped over to Fox just in time for a Glee commercial. Only two more weeks until the new season begins. Yay!

I’ve made it clear that the girl with the yellow teeth has my vote (if I actually voted) and Hippy Chick did a great job tonight, but I’m sorry, Midnight Train to Georgia still belongs to the one and only Verona Campbell Andrews. Ain’t nobody can sing it better than my V.

In a tearful last few minutes, Pandora was defeated by Jujubee. She ran off the stage dejected and wrote a sweet little note on the mirror with her lipstick for the other girls to find later.

And just before things got way beyond awkward between Ryan and Simon, Alfalfa came out to close the show with Ain’t No Sunshine Since She’s Gone, which I used to really like but can now only think of Danny Sconyers every time I hear it (thanks, Danny, way to wear your heart on your sleeve).

Well, that’s about all I have time for now, so until next week, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars, after all, when you wish upon a star, it makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires can come to you. Case in point? Tomorrow night on American Idol, Ruban Studdard finally has a gig with a live audience.

Advertisements

Ten Minutes

Me: “Boxers or pajamas?”

Scout: “Pajamas.”

Scout hops up on my bed and I begin putting pajamas on him. As I dress him, he says,

Scout: “We had a play today. I mean, we didn’t go to one, we had one. We put one on at school. I mean, just for my class. I mean, it was my class. We made it up. It was just for entertainment. That is, it was to amuse Miss Cherry. It sucked. I mean, overall it wasn’t good. Of course, I was the best one in it. It was a musical. I mean, look at me. I brought the party. I totally rock. Look at me, Mom, just look at me. I can sing. I can dance. I can spin on my back. I can really break it down. Can I watch some TV?”

Me: “Ten minutes.”

Scout jumps off the bed, runs into the hall, then suddenly stops and sticks his head back into my room.

Scout: “Thanks. Oh, and I drank some of your Fresca. Not the whole thing — just a sip.”

Me: “That’s fine. Ten Minutes.”

I’m Bringing Mullets Back

To the tune of Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake
(It helps if you actually sing it. You know you know the tune…)

Mullets Back

[Verse 1]
I’m bringin’ Mullets back
Them other haircuts are under attack
I wear it short up top and long in back
So listen up and don’t go talkin’ smack.
Take em’ to the bridge

[Bridge]
Billy Ray
He wore a Mullet
Way back in tha day
It made him sexy made him misbehave
It’s just his Mullet looked so good on stage

Take em’ to the chorus

[Chorus]
Come here girl
Go ahead, get a Mullet
Come on boy
Go ahead, get a Mullet
Get the top cut blunt
Go ahead, get a Mullet
So you’re business in the front
Go ahead, get a Mullet
But you make up what you lack
Go ahead, get a Mullet
With the party in tha back
Go ahead, get a Mullet
John Stamos style
Go ahead, get a Mullet
It’ll drive ya wild
Go ahead, get a Mullet
Remember Carol Brady
Go ahead, get a Mullet
She was one sexy lady
Go ahead, get a Mullet

[X6]

Get your Mullet on

[Verse 2]
I’m bringin’ Mullets back
All other haircuts are just simply whack
Since Richard Marx retired there’s been some slack
My Mullet’s gonna get us back on track
Take em’ to the bridge

[Bridge]
Billy Ray
He wore a Mullet
Way back in tha day
It made him sexy made him misbehave
It’s just his Mullet looked so good on stage

Take em’ to the chorus

[Chorus]
Come here girl
Go ahead, get a Mullet
Come on boy
Go ahead, get a Mullet
Get the top cut blunt
Go ahead, get a Mullet
So you’re business in the front
Go ahead, get a Mullet
But you make up what you lack
Go ahead, get a Mullet
With the party in tha back
Go ahead, get a Mullet
John Stamos style
Go ahead, get a Mullet
It’ll drive ya wild
Go ahead, get a Mullet
Remember Carol Brady
Go ahead, get a Mullet
She was one sexy lady
Go ahead, get a Mullet

[Verse 3]
I’m bringin’ Mullets back
If you don’t want one then you don’t know jack
If you don’t like ’em you are smoking crack
When ladies see ’em it’s straight in tha sack

Take em’ to the chorus

[Chorus]
Come here girl
Go ahead, get a Mullet
Come on boy
Go ahead, get a Mullet
Get the top cut blunt
Go ahead, get a Mullet
So you’re business in the front
Go ahead, get a Mullet
But you make up what you lack
Go ahead, get a Mullet
With the party in tha back
Go ahead, get a Mullet
John Stamos style
Go ahead, get a Mullet
It’ll drive ya wild
Go ahead, get a Mullet
Remember Carol Brady
Go ahead, get a Mullet
She was one sexy lady
Go ahead, get a Mullet