Tag Archives: lipstick

An Open Letter to Girls Who Take Selfies and Edit Them with Phone Apps

Gee, you look so natural.

Gee, you look so natural.

Stop. Just stop.
Just a thought: if you aren’t happy with your appearance, don’t take and post selfies that you have “edited” using free photo enhancing apps on your cellphone. You do realize that the only person you’re fooling is that kid from second grade who moved to Japan to play the cello in the Japanese National Orchestra and hasn’t seen you since 1984, right?
One of my friends and I send each other ugly selfies almost daily. Nothing breaks the monotony of waiting for a pap smear like getting a text from a friend with a selfie of herself with veins bulging from her neck and looking all pop eyed. Especially when the doctor walks in and you’re still laying there with your gown on backwards giggling. Anyway, she and I also like to grab photos of people from our Facebook friends who have clearly enhanced their selfies, and send them to one another. If only it weren’t a sad cometary on how our culture is so obsessed with portraying an image and persona on social media that isn’t even mildly representative of our real life, then I could laugh about these photos even more. The point is, girls, that you think we all think you really look like that, but in reality, we saw you at Winn-Dixie yesterday, and you didn’t have a halo behind you and deep, baby-blue eyes.
Back when I was a kid, I used to watch this show named Moonlighting. It starred a former, aging Cover Girl named Cybill Shepherd and a little known guy with a receding hairline named Bruce Willis. Every single time Cybill was in the frame by herself, a soft glow lens was used. Look, I wasn’t there. I don’t know if they filmed her with her own special camera, or if they just fluffed her up in editing, but it became so damn distracting that I couldn’t even watch the show. Bruce Willis: normal. Cybill Shepherd: moonlight glow. Back and forth, back and forth. It drove me crazy! Now I realize it was the 80s, but I’m willing to bet that ABC had better editing equipment in their California studios than your cellphone does, even if you do have an iPhone 6. So if ABC couldn’t fool me when I was ten, what makes you think you can fool us with your own hazy shade of Photoshop?
The thing with phone editing apps is that they aren’t really photo editing programs. Trust me, Anna Wintour isn’t sitting behind her desk at Condé Nast fluffing up the next cover with an Instagram filter. These filters apply a specific look to the entire photograph. It’s not like you can go in and streamline your waist like a seasoned artist. You can crop the photo to cut off part of your arm so you don’t look so big (yep, I do that one all the time, can’t help myself, I have Oprah arms), but you can’t pick and choose portions of the image to enhance. The other day I saw some girl’s selfie and it had so much softening filter on it that she looked like Voldemort. Hello!!! You managed to erase your giant zit, but you also don’t have a freaking nose!!! That’s not normal, people!
Make up. Oh, sweet Mary and Joseph, let’s talk about make up. If you have a phone app that puts make up on your selfies, for the love of all things holy, please delete it. Right now. Go ahead. I’ll sit here and wait. If you don’t care enough to put a coat of paint on the barn, then don’t digitally do it in the pictures. And whatever you do, don’t add it to the other people in the photo. Unless you just ran a color run, chances are there will not be any bright pink color on your face after a marathon. Seriously, you just puked on the concrete in front of God and everybody. Don’t be trying to fool your Facebook friends into thinking you look refreshed and pink lipped after you just ran farther in one day than I’ve ever run every single day in my entire life combined. And if you wear glasses, um, if you put eyeliner on digitally, it will be ON TOP of your glasses. We can see that. We know it’s fake. Stop it.
I guess what I want to say is embrace yourself. Be who you are. Be proud. But if you decide you don’t really like your looks but want to continue to take photos of yourself anyway and filter them before posting them on Facebook, don’t get pissy with me when I see you in public and have NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE because you don’t have Clorox white teeth and floating orbs of radiant light floating about your head.

Advertisements

You Ain’t From ‘Round Here, Is Ya?

I had to travel for work today and found myself in the back woods of Tennessee, somewhere between Deliverance and Egypt. It was a tiny little town, my destination; one that would fit a description I heard growing up as a “spit town.” I’m from rural Alabama, so for me to be impressed by the lack of civilization is a pretty unusual thing. I knew the area was economically challenged before I set out and I had prepared myself to witness the typical poor, rural items that are common place, such as half buried tires around the perimeter of a trailer forming some sort of semblance of a fence, barbecue served by the roadside from half rusted old barrels filled with wood chips and the smell of sweet mesquite, and shotgun houses set almost on the shoulder of the highway with one of its inhabitants either resting comfortably on the front porch or tinkering with an old lawnmower too close to the road. I dropped the top on my Jeep and tuned the radio in to a “God fearin’, meat eatin’ country station” and figured I’d slip on into town without calling any attention to myself. I didn’t realize that I had innately set myself apart from the locals the moment I had put on lipstick and a bra. The county road on the way into and through one after another One Horse Town, Unincorporated, was littered with hand painted signs displaying Bible verses, firewood for sale and stump grinding services. I was almost surprised when I didn’t see any used cardboard and spray painted signs advertising “Rabbits for Sale: Pets or Meat.” I stopped into a local filling station and went in for a drink. The red-blooded, full bearded, overall clad, American and proud of it behind the counter couldn’t understand me at first, but then I did my impersonation of Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama and he was able to comprehend what I was saying and pointed me toward a cooler in the back. There I found not only a can of scrumptious Diet Mountain Dew, but it was so cold that it had frozen chunks of neon green deliciousness inside of it. In case you have ever wondered the whereabouts of that mid 80s Ford Escort that your friend in high school drove, I found it. In fact, the ratio of 80s model Ford Escorts to licensed drivers in this area was at least 4 to 1. It was a little unnerving to see so many of them in the same place. I felt like Suzanne Pleshette watching the birds gather on the jungle gym in the school yard in Alfred Hitchcock’s film, The Birds, only it was a bunch of Ford Escorts. The good people of this region apparently do not believe in storage buildings. Why would they, really, when they have seemed to do just fine setting extra sofas, buckets, small appliances, clothing, yard implements, toys and other superfluous items right out in their front yard. In fact, a few of the residents seemed so in tune with their surroundings that they didn’t even bother having doors on their fine abodes. There was one establishment that didn’t adhere to this practice, however. It was a little store named “The Inside Store.” Now don’t let your mind run away with you and think that this was a retailer of fine home interiors. It was simply a store that was housed inside of a building; and judging by all of the other vendors selling their wares out of the trunks of their automobiles, road-side shanties and lone, free-standing metal racks right out in the middle of nothing, this Inside Store was one of a kind. Well, there was a place named the Tater Sack, but it looked closed. The natives, I mean, locals made me feel right at home. They all waved at me as I went by. Those who couldn’t wave because their hands were busy whittling or opening a beer gave me a warm welcoming glare. I was feeling right chipper until I passed the white supremacy flag and had an image of Sandra Bullock’s little run in with the klan in A Time to Kill. The bummer about that was there was no Matthew McConaughey that was going to come looking for me. Even if there was, he’d probably be off biking shirtless with Lance Armstrong. Then I passed the most curious thing. It was this scarecrow looking woman. Not a real woman, but one made out of something like a scarecrow and she was wearing this Amish type dress. Above her head she was holding up this huge log. And by huge, I mean like twenty feet long and a good foot in diameter. It was the oddest thing I’d ever seen. It was right there in some person’s front yard next to a big stump carved into some goofy looking fellow and an old cast iron syrup pot turned upside down and holding up the front fender of a mid 80s Ford Escort. I wanted to stop and take a picture of it, but I wasn’t sure if any of the residents were there and I didn’t want to be spotted photographing their every day existence as if it was some sort of novelty. Also, I wasn’t sure they would know what a camera phone was and I had neither the time nor the inclination to assimilate them into the current century, so I just kept on driving. All in all, it was an interesting day. I think if I ever have to go back, I will take along a side kick, you know, someone to man a camera while I drive. And maybe I’ll take some trinkets like you see settlers or missionaries do in old black and white Zulu type movies. Yeah, trinkets sound like a good idea. Perhaps I will take lipsticks.

Episode 10: The Women Tell Off, I Mean, All.

In case you were one of the .0000001 million people in America high on the new designer drug, Charlie Sheen, and were too blitzed out of your mind to watch the Bachelor, here is what you missed.

The episode began with a video conversation between host, Chris Harrison and Bachelor, Brad Womack. They did a quick review beginning with the first night in order to catch us all up to speed. They featured Chantal O. emerging from the limo (twenty pounds lighter than she was by the time they got to the fantasy dates) and promptly slapping Brad. Ashley H. was shown on the carnival date, which still ranks as Brad’s best first date ever. Madison bore her fangs and Brad reiterated that he liked the fangs and he liked her. He commended her for leaving on her own when she knew she wasn’t the one for him. We were treated to his roof-top “steak and leakage” date with Shawntel N. and Brad gave himself a pat on the back for being a trooper. Chris pondered how Michelle got that black eye and Brad told us all that “she had game and I was blindsided by her beauty.”

We returned to the live audience filled with women of an average median age of 45, wearing argyle sweaters and sporting the latest in Botox technology. There was enough Aqua Net in the room to pierce the ozone immediately above the studio in about 20 seconds flat. There were a few middle-aged, overweight husbands speckled throughout the audience that had given crappy Christmas gifts or forgotten anniversaries that were there to serve out whatever penance or punishment due them as a result of their erroneous ways.

Before I could wonder how they would stretch this episode out to two hours, Chris Harrison announced a Bachelor cast reunion and we were treated to footage of a party and a promise of Bachelor Pad 2 to air this summer. The previous contestants downed alcoholic beverages while they talked about “instant bonds” and how everything with the Bachelor was “easy.” Some touched tongues while others made out in the swimming pool. We were treated to Casey who is now looking for someone to guard and protect his heart instead of the other way around. Rozlyn reviewed her inappropriate relationship and Vienna oozed about how she would do well on the Bachelor Pad because women may not like her, but men always do because she is a schemer. Gia explained the “Rule of Skank” and Chris called them all “one big bizarre Bachelor family.”

Next we were reintroduced to the women of this season. Raichel flashed a double peace sign and Marissa gave us the classic beauty queen wave of elbow-elbow-wrist-wrist. Ashley H. debuted her Going Rouge look with long dark hair; cementing her future as a Sarah Palin impersonator by giving a two thumbs up. Madison was fangless and looked a little more blonde. Chris pointed out how quickly everything seemed to escalate at the house this season and we were treated to video of the girls talking about how hot Brad is and then going into confessional footage of all the girls talking about each other. They did a small box in the left corner of the screen with the live reactions of the girls as they watched it unfold. They each took turns making shocked and embarrassed faces as if they were seeing the footage for the first time. Then everyone starts talking about Michelle as she is shown in the little box.

After Lisa makes an attempt to defend Michelle, all of the other girls start busting on her and saying she was even meaner in confessional than in person. This many screaming girls haven’t jumped on one person since Elvis took America by storm. Jackie calls her creepy and scary like a spider and Michelle starts crying. She tries to defend herself and apologize, but no one will let her. Then Ashley H. starts crying and defending Michelle saying she’s a good person. Madison jumps in to defend her for at least being honest.

After a break, Mellissa is in the “hot seat.” We review via video the drama that is Mellissa and learn what it means to “pull a Mellissa.” Everyone enjoys bashing her, especially Raichel who says she was sent home because of Mellissa. Chris asks Mellissa what went wrong (other than her onion breath) and she claims that she didn’t initiate any of it. Raichel then calls Mellissa about 20 adjectives, none of them flattering. Jackie points out that Brad didn’t want to be with either of them because they acted like fools. Mellissa wishes love and light to everyone while tearing up. At this point, I’m wondering if they passed out estrogen tablets before the show started. I realize they all lived together for a month; maybe they are all still on the same menstrual cycle and are all just heavy into the PMS. Kleenex should have been a title sponsor of this episode. They would have gotten their money’s worth for sure.

Next Michelle is on the sofa next to Chris. She talks about how she was there for the right reasons, how she left her daughter to be there and how she thinks she was misunderstood. Chris says he thinks her strong side is a defense mechanism. She agrees to a point but claims she isn’t really strong while other girls roll their eyes. Chris found her to be entertaining and says that he enjoyed her narration of the show. Michelle then explains sarcasm and defends herself again. The girls don’t seem to understand the concept of a defense mechanism and Michelle starts sobbing uncontrollably. She regrets leaving her daughter resulting in a collective “Awwwww” from the audience. Michelle says that she really wants to find love (perhaps vying for the next Bachelorette spot?). Stacey acts as ring-leader and the other girls start jumping all over Michelle and claiming that she put herself before her daughter. They are so mean and ruthless that Chris Harrison has to chastise them like little children. He tells them to lay off of her and they cut to commercial so she can pull it together. Most of the women continue to sit there like heartless bitches, and damn it if my maternal instinct doesn’t kick in and I start feeling sorry for Michelle. I wish the “ladies” would cut it out so I could go back to hating her for the crazy that she is. Michelle tells Stacey that she has no right to judge her as a mother. At this point, I notice what Michelle is wearing. It’s like this Flintstone’s tank top with an orange faux grass weave print skirt. I can’t even hear words anymore because I’m so distracted by her outfit. Chris tells Jackie that “you have a problem with Michelle because Brad didn’t – isn’t that your real problem?” A few girls defend her again and say they like her. Michelle closes by saying that Brad needs someone like Emily and says that Emily is the opposite of her. Finally, Michelle seems to have broken free from the crazy and has seen the light.

Ashley S. is now in the hot seat. Video plays of her relationship with Brad up until she got cut in Vegas. She talks about how she said she was giving up on love, but says that she knows there is someone for her. Her accent is so thick that she needs subtitles, and I’m from Alabama, so that’s saying a lot. She wants more closure from Brad and would like for him to point out specifically what is wrong with her so that she can fix it. Really? This chick needs therapy. Maybe she and Michelle could get a two for one special.

Ashley H. gets her turn on the couch. Video of her time with Brad plays on the giant jumbotron. As it plays I am preoccupied with her pronunciation of words. Ever since a fellow Bachelor blogger pointed out how she puts the letter A into words that don’t have A’s in them, all I can do is listen for them. She says “I’m a hagger” instead of “I’m a hugger.” She is “upsat” instead of “upset.” She refers to herself as “mysalf” instead of “myself.” “Strang” for “strong,” “exat” for “exit,” the list goes on and on. Or as Ashley H. would say, “the last goes an and an.” During her video, they show her face in the little live video box in the corner. All I see is her red lips. She never wore red lipstick on the show. This must be part of the new and improved Ashley H. After the video, Chris asks her about a hundred times why she didn’t believe Brad when he said he had feelings for her. He then tells her that he feels bad for her. She says she has regrets and feels like she messed everything up. Chris asks her if it was love and she finally admits that she was in love with Brad, but she’s moving forward and excited to date again (as the next Bachelorette?). She addresses her hair color and says it’s her natural color. Then she does this odd deep voice thing and says she feels like a changed woman. Huh? Did she not get one of those estrogen pills they were passing out before the show?

Brad comes out and Shawntel sneers at him. He mentions his significant other and then notices Ashley H’s new look. He admits that he cried (while eating quiche, maybe?) when he saw Ashley S’s exit on television. He tells her that she would make a good wife, but he was just feeling more deeply for other women. Too bad he couldn’t have just told her that when he dumped her. He said he would defend Michelle until he was blue in the face and that he thought she was funny. He stated that the reason he let her go was that he thought they were too much alike. Ashley H. thanked him for everything, he told her she was exceptional and that she helped him know that this process could really work and they hugged.

Not to be outdone by Oprah, we were shown some random footage of Chris Harrison and Brad Womack, Humanitarians at Large, as they visited a preschool in South Africa. They donated a solar-powered hot water heater and pledged to sponsor some kids. They sang songs and played soccer with the kids. I suppose it was nice to know that the Bachelor gives back instead of just romping around on elephants and having sex in trees.

Brad tells us that he knew in South Africa that he had found his wife and that he is now happier than he has ever been in his life. He says the unannounced winning lady has changed his life and he falls more and more in love with her every day. He proceeds to get all choked up and Chris congratulates him and adds that he’s glad it worked out considering he wasn’t going to be given a third chance.

They aired the annual blooper reel that included some random naked guy walking around on the beach behind Brad and his brothers. Brad says he has no regrets and they roll a video about the two “incredible women” that Brad has to choose from as Brad narrates his feelings in such a way that if you really tried hard, you may actually believe that Chantal O. stands a chance, even though we all know she doesn’t. My dad knew this guy once that described his second wife in relation to his first wife as “Betty covers Susan like a quarter covers a dime.” Three guesses between Emily and Chantal who is the quarter and who is the dime.

The episode closes with previews of the final rose. We see Chantal and Emily arrive at the cape; Emily in angelic white and Chantal in a feathered black number. Good vs. Evil…who will prevail? Thank goodness this episode is over. I feel like I needed a Xanax. It’s like I just watched my kids fight over the last brownie for two hours straight.

And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.