Tag Archives: dreams

The Zit Dream

In order to appreciate this dream, you must admit that you have popped a zit. In order to describe it, I must admit to having popped a zit. If this grosses you out, stop reading now.

I dreamed that I woke up with a big-ass zit on my cheek. It was the kind of zit that one normally gets on their chin. Not a little whitehead, but one of those red, shiny, painful ones that looks like someone implanted a jelly bean under your skin while you slept. So in my dream, I did what we all do – had the thoughts of “holy hell, there is going to be no way to disguise this” and started thumbing through my mental card catalog of every article I’ve ever read since reading my first Teen magazine in 1985. Ideas like put ice on it to reduce the redness, cover with toothpaste to dry it out, apply a warm compress…all of this came to mind followed by the one thing that every expert always says, “DON’T SQUEEZE IT!” so what do I do? I decide to squeeze it.

Of course, it is on the first day when you know nothing is going to come out of it. It’s just going to hurt and get bigger. So after that, I went to sleep in my dream and when I woke up in my dream, it was day two. The zit was indeed bigger and looked pretty ripe. So I went through the whole process again. After some fiddling around with it, it hurt even worse, the skin around it had started to peel off and was going to obviously scab (which I knew I would try to conceal, but knew it would only make it look worse, but that wouldn’t stop me; I would try to conceal and powder it anyway), but it seemed like it was going to pop at any second. And you know what I mean. One of those zits that is hard and plump and when it finally pops, it’s like a snake spitting out a watermelon and it hurts like hell to the point that you stomp your foot and when your eyes finally stop watering you notice a big ball of nasty stuck to the bathroom mirror.

Well, in the dream I was just to that point when it happened. It was like slow motion, close up (make that extreme close up) of the zit and it was just about to blow and I just knew that something massive was about to happen and it started to ease closer and closer to the surface of my skin when WHAMMO! I gave the zit a final squeeze and a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Miniature (unwrapped) came out of my face. So there you go. Over and over in my head for the last four days, I pop and re-pop a big-ass zit on my cheek and instead of oil and dirt and puss, out pops a Reese’s Cup.

Now what the hell does this mean? Feel free to interpret.

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Episode 9

In case you gouged your eyes out last night when James Franco appeared in drag at the 83rd Annual Academy Awards ceremony, here’s what you couldn’t see on tonight’s episode of the Bachelor.

We begin with Brad packing in the concrete jungle of New York for the jungle of South Africa. Considering the heat and the fact that most of his time will be spent in a fantasy suite, I’m not sure why the hell he needs two full-sized bags all of a sudden. He confesses that he is scared and that he has trust issues. Where is the shrink? Is Dr. Phil going to meet him under a jackalberry tree on some game reserve once he arrives? What happened to his Austin doctor? What happened to his L.A. doctor? Will they be on next week’s After the Final Rose? Will they appear on the show The Doctors with former Bachelor and Nashville hottie, Dr. Travis Stork? Anyway, on the plane he laments his strong connection with the final three girls. With Chantal he had immediate chemistry, but she cries too much. Ashley is comfortable but she is insecure. Emily is one in a million and makes him a better person, but he is intimidated by her past. He arrives and they roll the tourism footage of stinky animals and golden sunsets as the Lion King soundtrack plays in the background.

Date one is with Chantal. She is busting out of her safari shirt. She and Brad wear matching hats and they tour the land on a safari. They hang out next to some sleeping lions (a dream come true for Brad) and the whole time they voice over how awesome everything is and how awesome the other is. I wish Emily had been there to say “shut up” every time they saw an animal. Brad brings up the danger of Africa for the second time as their guide walks them to the riverside with a gun in his hand. There are hippopotami all over the place and I am reminded of a statistic I read once about more people in Africa dying as a result of hippo attacks than of cancer. Chantal is trusting Brad to keep her safe (I personally, would take the gun, but whatever) and they sit by the river and cheese about how great they are and voice over metaphors about their love and how they have come a long distance and braved heart-ache, blah, blah, blah. When they start kissing, the hippo starts eying them. I think it is a little jealous; thinking Chantal is one of its own.

After an outfit change, Chantal starts her voice over about hoping for a happy ending later that night. They discuss getting married and Brad used the adverb “badly” for the eight millionth time during this journey. He gives her the key and note from Chris Harrison explaining the fantasy suite. She compares the fantasy suite to Vegas, as in what happens there; stays there, although it’s pretty clear what she intends to happen there. She says she’s ready to skip dinner and go straight to the suite. The suite is an elaborate tree house with a bed in it. Is there indoor plumbing? Because if I had sex in a tree, I’d sure as hell want a shower afterward. After they make out for a bit, the cameras leave them alone to do whatever it is that people do in a tree overnight. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion may sleep tonight, but I don’t think Brad will be getting any shut-eye.

The second date is with Emily. She rocks a pair of Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots like only a Southern belle can. Brad says he forgot something and leaves almost long enough for Emily to remember he’s a putz. Then he returns on an elephant at which point she says “shut up!” She says her life long dream has been to go to Africa and ride an elephant. (Seriously? Where do these people come up with these dreams?) I’ve got to tell you, my son rode an elephant one time at the circus. He was on it for maybe five minutes, tops. Afterward, he smelled like feet. Bad feet. Really bad feet. You know how a horse will just do it’s business while you’re riding it? I’m guessing an elephant will, too. That is not my idea of a romantic Saturday night. Emily says this is just like the Lion King, only better. She’s right; it is better. Can you imagine if we had to endure Whoopie Goldberg voicing an animated hyena right about now? Emily asks Brad if he’s ready for an instant family and he says that he is. He says that he loves that she’s a package deal and they make out as elephants shriek in the background.

After a clothing change they go to an intimate dinner. It appears to also be in a tree. I’m hoping this isn’t the same tree as the night before. Brad can hardly speak because of the partnership between Emily’s cleavage and her short skirt. Emily confesses that she’s falling in love with Brad and hope she will be able to tell him how she feels. She struggles to get it out, but does manage to tell him that she likes him. Brad confesses that he wants her to go to the fantasy suite so they can talk off camera. He gives her the card and she says that she needs to set a good example for her daughter. However, she wants some more time with him and will go. She makes it clear that they will continue to take things slow and there will only be talking going on at the suite. Brad seems thrilled that she said yes, even though she basically said “you ain’t gettin’ any.” Their fantasy suite is indoors. Emily doesn’t waste time telling Brad that she loves him and he starts stuttering and breaks the rules and tells her that he is falling in love with her also.

The last date is with Ashley. This whole day is the worst thing to happen in South Africa since apartheid. She shows up in some cheeky uneven cut off shorts with the pockets hanging out of the bottom of them. Brad confesses that he has concerns about Ashley after meeting her family. They walk through the brush to a helicopter. She promptly begins to freak out and run away because she is scared of helicopters (shocking). Brad says he will take care of her and she agrees to go. She freaks out as they take off but then confesses how safe she feels with Brad. Brad confesses how proud he is of her conquering her fears. They arrive in the middle of nowhere to a place that locals call “God’s Window.” They sit down for a picnic and the train wreck becomes more gruesome. Brad toasts her family and uses that as a segway into asking her about her goals. She doesn’t appear to have made any plans past next Tuesday, and doesn’t really answer his questions. She confesses that their conversation is a wake-up call. Brad confesses that they need to have another serious conversation because he is even more concerned.

Before we get to their outfit change, ABC interrupts programming for a “live press conference” to announce the cast of Dancing With the Stars. We learn that “boxing’s best” Sugar Ray Leonard will be a part of the program. Also, “Disney Dream Girl” Chelsea Kane (don’t worry, I haven’t heard of her either) will star. “Master of hip hop’s son” Romeo will be along for the ride, as will “the original karate kid” Ralph Macchio. And although she could not be there tonight because she was speaking at the U.N., “super survivor and supermodel” Petra Nemcova will join the cast.

To stretch things out like only ABC can, we return to the date. The couple has changed clothes and is at dinner by a fire in the middle of the woods at a table and chairs made out of tree stumps. Ashley brings up that he really made her think and that she does want balance in her career and life. She sits there swatting invisible bugs and tries to explain that everything is compromise, yet she isn’t really listening to the questions or what Brad has to say. She wants him to just have faith that things will work out, but he doesn’t think she’s getting it. He sounds like he’s breaking up with her and she again says he should do what’s best for him and that she feels like he’s “just looking for a wife.” Let me repeat that, she said “I feel like you’re just looking for a wife.”  Um, can you turn those cameras off for a second. Yeah, I need to see the producer. Um, do you think someone can explain to Ashley what the premise of the show, the Bachelor, is all about? Because apparently, she’s smart enough to get through 80% of dental school, but she hasn’t grasped the whole point of why she’s sitting in the middle of the freaking jungle in hot and more than likely humid South Africa. At this point, Brad gives up and just asks her how her food tastes. He confesses that he needs more from their relationship and then gives her the fantasy suite card. She acts all shocked about the key and card (maybe she really doesn’t know how this show works after all), but says yes and that she hopes they can move forward. This suite is a mix between the first two. Although it is indoors, it has trees inside of it. They go straight to kissing, but then they just sit around soaking in the awkwardness.

I don’t know about where you are, but in my area, every other commercial during the Bachelor is for Beyaz birth control. Another one of those airs at this point. Is Beyaz just a redo of the old birth control Yaz? You know, the one that was supposed to be hip and clear up your zits, but really turned out to like rot your insides and make all of your future offspring have two heads or something? And is it just me, or does anyone else always think of the slang word Biotch every time you hear them say Beyaz? Anyway, just curious about that one. At least they aren’t singing the days of the week and diving into a stupid swimming pool.

The next day, Brad waxes poetic in voice over while he gets dressed and heads to the rose ceremony. He sits down with Chris Harrison to chat. He tells Chris how difficult this is because he doesn’t want to say goodbye to someone. He says he knows he will more than likely be engaged at the end of this. They talk about how the date with Ashley sucked and Brad all but says that he’s going to send her packing, but he wants to talk to her one more time to make sure. Chris re-caps to the girls about their journey and introduces Brad. Ashley looks seriously worried. Brad fumbles around and asks her to come talk to him. They walk up to a patio while Emily and Chantal wait below to sweat it out; literally. She looks pissed and he apologizes that their date was so rotten. She asks what happened and he says he just wanted to work everything out. She says she wanted this and he asks, “then what the hell happened?” He says she doesn’t feel like he fits into her life. She says she just doesn’t know how to do this any better and she seems to be counting herself out. He realizes that she’s not the one and he says that he needs to tell her goodbye and doesn’t want for her to have to go through a rose ceremony. She says she’s not going to beg him for a rose and gets all bitchy with him. He walks her out and helps her into the car. In the back of the car, she cries but doesn’t really say anything worthwhile. She thinks they were “lost in translation.”

Brad goes back into the house where the rose ceremony is to take place and spends some alone time pondering life and love. At this time, we get to go back to the live press conference.  The next contestant on Dancing with the Stars is the “bunny next door” Kendra Wilkinson. Thank goodness, now she will finally be able to lose that baby weight. There is no applause whatsoever for Stealer Hines Ward, as even the audience members don’t know who he is. From the Love Line is Mike Catherwood. He’s the guy that you saw earlier this season when the Bachelor went to the Love Line show. He was the one that wasn’t Dr. Drew. The “queen of all media” Wendy Williams will also be on the show along with WWE star Chris Jericho. Last but certainly not least is “Hollywood’s most outrageous actress” Kirsti Alley. Time for some questions from the press (i.e. the two people who work for ABC that are on the shit list). Right off the bat, one has to wonder if Kirsti Alley is stoned. And why didn’t she answer the questions? She has been approached before to do the show; why did she say yes this time around? Just say it, Kirsti, just tell everyone that you need the money for liposuction and be done with it. Own it, sister! And how about Ralph Macchio? where the hell has he been? And will someone please give him Ashley’s number now that she’s been cut from the Bachelor? Those two need to hook up because his teeth were looking all sorts of shades of nasty.

Back at the rose ceremony, Brad finally comes back to Emily and Chantal. He talks about how great Ashley is and how he is looking for forever. He presents a rose to Chantal and she accepts. Then he presents one to Emily who also accepts the rose. He tells them they are going to stay in South Africa and will be meeting his family in Cape Town. Although I was hoping for a group hug, he hugs them individually and they raise a glass to love.

And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.

Episode 8

This episode started with Brad telling us about the four remaining girls. Chantal is different, like no other girl. He has so much fun with her, but he thinks she’s emotional (um, she’s a girl, dude, seriously) and that worries him. He feels like his time with Ashley is spent reassuring each other and not moving forward, and this is a big concern. With Shawntel, things are easy because they had an immediate connection and things are consistent. And according to Brad (and the rest of the population), Emily has set the bar high. He is scared, however because it is deeper than just them because she has a daughter. I am pleased when Brad gets into his car to head off to the hometown dates. He now is carrying a nice leather satchel instead of the stupid gym bag he used in the first episode. The stylish bag almost makes up for his ill fitted pea-coat and page-boy hat. I realize it is cold in Seattle, but that whole look was nothing but Rocky Balboa arriving in Russia in Rocky IV.

When Brad gets to Chantal’s he is glad that she is happy and not all tearful (emotional) and that she seems stable. Apparently Brad missed the fact that happiness is also an emotion. He makes it clear to her that he would love to visit her hometown, but that his home is and will continue to be in Austin. They arrive at her house where he meets her animals. She has two cats and a dog that wears clothes (don’t get me started). For the second time in Bachelor history, we see beer being consumed straight from the bottle (why, this is the most controversial season ever!). Is this because Brad owns a bar and realizes that real people drink from the bottle? Or is it that Chantal just got home and didn’t have time to prep a frosty mug? Brad admits that he needs to buy a bigger house. He currently lives in a loft in the downtown area, and there would not be room for all three pets, and the two of them, plus there would not be enough closet space for Chantal (especially since her clothes are bigger than all the other girls). She makes it clear that if her pets and parents don’t like him, then he is out. Glad to know the pecking order.  They arrive at Chantal’s parent’s house. Of course, it is very nice. After all, her father owns O’Brien Auto Parts and is a former Seattle Seahawk. The whole family is attractive, unlike some of the other families (they say you should always look at a girl’s mother to see how she will turn out) and Chantal and her dad go off to talk. Her dad seems thrilled that she slapped Brad upon meeting him. She tells him that she loves Brad and all is well. Dad and Brad then go out and talk next to this statue of a “self-made man.” The learn that they  both come from a family of masons and both built their own way from nothing. Chantal’s dad didn’t see his own father for the last 15 years of his life, so he empathized with the fact that Brad has no real relationship with his dad. This looks like the start of a beautiful bromance and Mr. O’Brien gives Brad his blessing. Mom and Chantal have a little chat, well Chantal talks and mom sits there, and finally mom is able to get in a few words and tells her daughter to trust her heart. At this point, I’m thinking Emily and Chantal will be the final two.

Next, Brad arrives at Ashley’s hometown. She lives in Philadelphia, but she grew up in upper Maine, so they are in Maine. One of my favorite shots is of the driver when Brad arrives. you can see him in the front seat behind the two as they reunite and he looks super serious, like he’s thinking about dead puppies and nuclear bombs so that he can keep from smirking. She uses the term disconnected right off the bat (will this girl never learn?). She takes Brad to the diner where she had her first job. Here she educated him about the French influence on the area. Brad continues to say over and over how he could live there, but he already made it clear he’s not moving, and she doesn’t even live there anymore, so unless he’s planning on moving there with Emily, it’s really a moot point. The waitress comes up and says something in French and Brad answers her with Si instead of Oui. They immediately cut to confessional footage of him saying what a moron he is that he answered yes in Spanish instead of French. Too bad politicians don’t have confessional footage. Think of all the heartache that could have been avoided if a few of our Presidents could immediately cut to confessional footage and say something like, “Oops! I don’t know why I said I didn’t have sexual relations with that woman! I guess I was really hungry and couldn’t think straight because I was thinking about that stuffed crust pizza at Pizza Hut.” Anyway, they order French (not Spanish) fries with cheese and gravy on them. Brad wants to use a fork, but Ashley insists they use their fingers. As she is feeding his big open mouth, she points out his crown to the whole world (very sexy, Ashley) and then she brings up that she wants to move forward instead of wasting time reassuring each other of their feelings. They go to a seafood shop and buy lobster and then to a road-side produce shack that uses the honor system. Next they go to the welcome sign at the city limits and take self portraits. When Ashley can’t think of any way to put it off any longer, she takes Brad to her parent’s house.

I was a bit surprised by her tattooed sister. Ashley seems the wholesome type and I didn’t see that one coming. Her dad lets us know that she’s actually not really a dentist, that she is in dental school. Brad tells her father that he wants kids, but her dad isn’t sure that she does. Brad begins to wonder if he will hold Ashley back from her full potential. Her sister says she thinks the time is right for Ashley to start a life with someone. It makes sense to take a leap now and then begin to build her practice. Her mother awkwardly asks if they can sleep over and then Brad leaves with a large paper bag filled with stuff. Did he get parting gifts? What’s in the bag; disposable toothbrushes and mini dental floss dispensers?

After the break, the show starts with a commercial for Shawntel’s family’s funeral home. Did they pay for that commercial? They just got a national spot in prime time television. Then Chantal is at the funeral home instead of some park and there is organ music playing in the background. Could they make this any more creepy? Answer: yes, they can. Brad arrives at the mausoleum and they walk through the crypts. He sees the crematory which is like a giant pizza oven. When they come to the prep room, Brad says it’s fascinating, but his face reads total freak out. She explains embalming along with visual aids while he continues to freak out. Brad admits that he doesn’t handle death well. Shawntel tells him that it is a good and a bad thing, what she does, and he is impressed with her passion for her job. She lets him know that she can pick up embalming work just about anywhere (have job, will travel). Then they go to her parent’s house. They have dinner and her dad tells Brad that Shawntel helps them all loosen up. He tells Brad that he has been preparing Shawntel to take over his business. (I wonder what he has been preparing the twins for…a twins themed photo shoot at the Playboy Mansion, maybe?) Shawntel says in front of everyone that she is falling for Brad and that he lives in Austin and that if things worked out for them that she would move there. You could have cut the awkward tension in the room with one of Shawntel’s scalpels. She and dad excuse themselves for a chat. He tells her that she is in line for the business and puts a guilt trip on her about someone who died while she was away filming and whose family specifically asked for her. He acted like their grief was compounded by the fact that she was not there to drain their loved one. He thinks that if she leaves, she will be leaving the business high and dry. Did they not think about this before she went on the show? And why do they keep referring to the family business by its full name over and over? Was this all a ploy to increase business? Did she come on the Bachelor to find love or to shoot an infomercial? When they join everyone else in the living room, Dad just looks pissed off. He gives Brad his blessing, but I don’t think anyone buys it. When she walks Brad out, she tells him that she loves him and they kiss.

Last is Emily’s house. We see Emily as she is reunited with her daughter, Ricky. They share big hugs and Southern sweetness. She tells Ricky that she has met some new friends and that one of them is coming to meet her. Brad shows up with a gift wrapped in pink wrapping and bow. He is clearly nervous. Ricky is shy and hides behind her mom. When she sees the gift, she takes it and finally open it revealing a butterfly kite (a nod to Brad and EMily’s first one on one date when they flew a kite?). Brad has never dated anyone that has a kid before (which is evidenced by the fact that he picked out a kite). He is trying very hard to bring Ricky out of her shell but as Emily says, “she’s not having it.” After giving her some sugar, they get out the kite and she opens up. Soon they look like a happy little family, except that Brad stands about five feet away from them when they walk down the sidewalk. Emily’s house is amazing. It’s clearly not paid for with the salary from the hospital. I assume that having Rick Hendrick as a grandfather helps little Ricky live in luxury. They play games with Ricky and then tuck her into bed. Brad and Emily then have some alone time with big glasses of water and unidentifiable food on a plate. Emily is dying for him to kiss her, but he doesn’t even try it. Could it be that this whole day was alcohol free and he needs a little liquid courage? He is all weird because her daughter is upstairs asleep and he is scared she may come down at any  moment. Emily explains to Brad that if they got together that she would always be upstairs and that he needed to grow a pair and kiss her. He confesses that he should have kissed her and not been such a pansy. She confesses that she’s disappointed that he didn’t man up. Brad really let us all down here. Emily has a kid; get over it. She also used to date Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and I’m sure Little E didn’t have a problem throwing it into high gear. Come on, Brad, this respect and honor stuff is getting tired. When she walks him out, she does what he can’t seem to do and kisses him. Of course, he reciprocates.

The rose ceremony is in New York City. Brad sits down with Chris Harrison (who has obviously watched the footage from the hometown dates) and they talk. Chris brings up his bromance with Mr. O’Brien, about how at home Brad felt with Ashley’s family, Shawntel’s love for her job and the importance of meeting little Ricky. Chris points out that he seemed most comfortable with Ashley’s family, however she is the only one that hasn’t told him that she loves him. Brad says he is making his decision based on how he feels and not how the girls have indicated that they feel towards him. During the rose ceremony, Chantal looks like a Spanish soap opera star. Shawntel looks like she knows she’s going home. And what’s up with Ashely? Did she not have time to fix her hair? Rose number one goes to Ashley. Rose number two goes to Emily. Rose number three goes to…make sure you pronounce it correctly…Chantal. As she goes to accept her rose, I just want to text her “red satin isn’t slimming, honey,” but I don’t know her number.

Shawntel looks shocked and confused. She and Brad go off to the side so “no one can hear them.” Um, isn’t this on television? So no one can hear you? have you lost your mind? He tells her that he didn’t feel the way a man should feel when a woman says they love them. He assures her that it has nothing to do with her family. In other words, it’s not them; it’s you. Way to let her down easy, Brad. He walks her to the car and they hug. After she leaves, she confesses that she didn’t see this coming and continues to ooze about how great he is and how no one ever treated her so nice before. She says he treated her like a princess. First of all, ABC paid for everything and you flew all over the world and stayed liquored up at all times. Of course, no one has ever treated you like that before. Real people don’t take six girls on a date, hire a helicopter and have “Mr. Seal” sing private concerts for them. Give me a break.

Back in the ceremony area, Brad tells the girls that they are all going to South Africa! The usual squealing takes place and they all raise a glass to the future.  And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.