As I Ready Him To Leave

We lay next to each other in the dark. I didn’t have to open my eyes to see his profile. It was forever etched in my brain. The only sound was that of our breathing slowly synchronizing. I could feel his hot breath on my face. As he stroked my fingers with his little hands, tears silently rolled over my cheek and fell to the pillow. He was almost asleep now. His hand on mine slowed to a stop. He would never know I was crying as he drifted off to dreamland. There in one of my favorite places; the comfort of complete acceptance and unconditional love, it hit me. I realized like never before that I was preparing him to leave me. Every action and word and worry was shaping his future; his departure from me. I squeezed my eyes closed tighter and more tears slipped from the corners and over my nose, eventually finding the pillow below my head. I prayed that he would find the happiness that had eluded me. I prayed that when his children one day left him to find their own way in the world, that he was still left with a hand to hold. As cynical as I am, I still cry when I watch romantic comedies. I still think stupid movies where the girl and the guy fall in love in fifteen seconds and overcome all odds to be together are great, and I will watch them over and over again and smile and cry and sigh and snuggle in my bed and daydream while I hug my pillow before I fall asleep. I can’t think of a more pitiful way to go; dying while holding a pillow. For now, I will clutch that little hand. I will bask in the warmth of his breath. I will take comfort in the lullaby of his subtle snoring that drifts across the hall throughout the night. And when the time comes, I will watch him go. And I will take the pillow from his bed and breathe in his scent as I drift into my own dreams; dreams of when my children were snuggled next to me, dreams of past ambitions and memories of romantic comedies that played out on the screen before me.

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One response to “As I Ready Him To Leave

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