In case you were one of the .0000001 million people in America high on the new designer drug, Charlie Sheen, and were too blitzed out of your mind to watch the Bachelor, here is what you missed.
The episode began with a video conversation between host, Chris Harrison and Bachelor, Brad Womack. They did a quick review beginning with the first night in order to catch us all up to speed. They featured Chantal O. emerging from the limo (twenty pounds lighter than she was by the time they got to the fantasy dates) and promptly slapping Brad. Ashley H. was shown on the carnival date, which still ranks as Brad’s best first date ever. Madison bore her fangs and Brad reiterated that he liked the fangs and he liked her. He commended her for leaving on her own when she knew she wasn’t the one for him. We were treated to his roof-top “steak and leakage” date with Shawntel N. and Brad gave himself a pat on the back for being a trooper. Chris pondered how Michelle got that black eye and Brad told us all that “she had game and I was blindsided by her beauty.”
We returned to the live audience filled with women of an average median age of 45, wearing argyle sweaters and sporting the latest in Botox technology. There was enough Aqua Net in the room to pierce the ozone immediately above the studio in about 20 seconds flat. There were a few middle-aged, overweight husbands speckled throughout the audience that had given crappy Christmas gifts or forgotten anniversaries that were there to serve out whatever penance or punishment due them as a result of their erroneous ways.
Before I could wonder how they would stretch this episode out to two hours, Chris Harrison announced a Bachelor cast reunion and we were treated to footage of a party and a promise of Bachelor Pad 2 to air this summer. The previous contestants downed alcoholic beverages while they talked about “instant bonds” and how everything with the Bachelor was “easy.” Some touched tongues while others made out in the swimming pool. We were treated to Casey who is now looking for someone to guard and protect his heart instead of the other way around. Rozlyn reviewed her inappropriate relationship and Vienna oozed about how she would do well on the Bachelor Pad because women may not like her, but men always do because she is a schemer. Gia explained the “Rule of Skank” and Chris called them all “one big bizarre Bachelor family.”
Next we were reintroduced to the women of this season. Raichel flashed a double peace sign and Marissa gave us the classic beauty queen wave of elbow-elbow-wrist-wrist. Ashley H. debuted her Going Rouge look with long dark hair; cementing her future as a Sarah Palin impersonator by giving a two thumbs up. Madison was fangless and looked a little more blonde. Chris pointed out how quickly everything seemed to escalate at the house this season and we were treated to video of the girls talking about how hot Brad is and then going into confessional footage of all the girls talking about each other. They did a small box in the left corner of the screen with the live reactions of the girls as they watched it unfold. They each took turns making shocked and embarrassed faces as if they were seeing the footage for the first time. Then everyone starts talking about Michelle as she is shown in the little box.
After Lisa makes an attempt to defend Michelle, all of the other girls start busting on her and saying she was even meaner in confessional than in person. This many screaming girls haven’t jumped on one person since Elvis took America by storm. Jackie calls her creepy and scary like a spider and Michelle starts crying. She tries to defend herself and apologize, but no one will let her. Then Ashley H. starts crying and defending Michelle saying she’s a good person. Madison jumps in to defend her for at least being honest.
After a break, Mellissa is in the “hot seat.” We review via video the drama that is Mellissa and learn what it means to “pull a Mellissa.” Everyone enjoys bashing her, especially Raichel who says she was sent home because of Mellissa. Chris asks Mellissa what went wrong (other than her onion breath) and she claims that she didn’t initiate any of it. Raichel then calls Mellissa about 20 adjectives, none of them flattering. Jackie points out that Brad didn’t want to be with either of them because they acted like fools. Mellissa wishes love and light to everyone while tearing up. At this point, I’m wondering if they passed out estrogen tablets before the show started. I realize they all lived together for a month; maybe they are all still on the same menstrual cycle and are all just heavy into the PMS. Kleenex should have been a title sponsor of this episode. They would have gotten their money’s worth for sure.
Next Michelle is on the sofa next to Chris. She talks about how she was there for the right reasons, how she left her daughter to be there and how she thinks she was misunderstood. Chris says he thinks her strong side is a defense mechanism. She agrees to a point but claims she isn’t really strong while other girls roll their eyes. Chris found her to be entertaining and says that he enjoyed her narration of the show. Michelle then explains sarcasm and defends herself again. The girls don’t seem to understand the concept of a defense mechanism and Michelle starts sobbing uncontrollably. She regrets leaving her daughter resulting in a collective “Awwwww” from the audience. Michelle says that she really wants to find love (perhaps vying for the next Bachelorette spot?). Stacey acts as ring-leader and the other girls start jumping all over Michelle and claiming that she put herself before her daughter. They are so mean and ruthless that Chris Harrison has to chastise them like little children. He tells them to lay off of her and they cut to commercial so she can pull it together. Most of the women continue to sit there like heartless bitches, and damn it if my maternal instinct doesn’t kick in and I start feeling sorry for Michelle. I wish the “ladies” would cut it out so I could go back to hating her for the crazy that she is. Michelle tells Stacey that she has no right to judge her as a mother. At this point, I notice what Michelle is wearing. It’s like this Flintstone’s tank top with an orange faux grass weave print skirt. I can’t even hear words anymore because I’m so distracted by her outfit. Chris tells Jackie that “you have a problem with Michelle because Brad didn’t – isn’t that your real problem?” A few girls defend her again and say they like her. Michelle closes by saying that Brad needs someone like Emily and says that Emily is the opposite of her. Finally, Michelle seems to have broken free from the crazy and has seen the light.
Ashley S. is now in the hot seat. Video plays of her relationship with Brad up until she got cut in Vegas. She talks about how she said she was giving up on love, but says that she knows there is someone for her. Her accent is so thick that she needs subtitles, and I’m from Alabama, so that’s saying a lot. She wants more closure from Brad and would like for him to point out specifically what is wrong with her so that she can fix it. Really? This chick needs therapy. Maybe she and Michelle could get a two for one special.
Ashley H. gets her turn on the couch. Video of her time with Brad plays on the giant jumbotron. As it plays I am preoccupied with her pronunciation of words. Ever since a fellow Bachelor blogger pointed out how she puts the letter A into words that don’t have A’s in them, all I can do is listen for them. She says “I’m a hagger” instead of “I’m a hugger.” She is “upsat” instead of “upset.” She refers to herself as “mysalf” instead of “myself.” “Strang” for “strong,” “exat” for “exit,” the list goes on and on. Or as Ashley H. would say, “the last goes an and an.” During her video, they show her face in the little live video box in the corner. All I see is her red lips. She never wore red lipstick on the show. This must be part of the new and improved Ashley H. After the video, Chris asks her about a hundred times why she didn’t believe Brad when he said he had feelings for her. He then tells her that he feels bad for her. She says she has regrets and feels like she messed everything up. Chris asks her if it was love and she finally admits that she was in love with Brad, but she’s moving forward and excited to date again (as the next Bachelorette?). She addresses her hair color and says it’s her natural color. Then she does this odd deep voice thing and says she feels like a changed woman. Huh? Did she not get one of those estrogen pills they were passing out before the show?
Brad comes out and Shawntel sneers at him. He mentions his significant other and then notices Ashley H’s new look. He admits that he cried (while eating quiche, maybe?) when he saw Ashley S’s exit on television. He tells her that she would make a good wife, but he was just feeling more deeply for other women. Too bad he couldn’t have just told her that when he dumped her. He said he would defend Michelle until he was blue in the face and that he thought she was funny. He stated that the reason he let her go was that he thought they were too much alike. Ashley H. thanked him for everything, he told her she was exceptional and that she helped him know that this process could really work and they hugged.
Not to be outdone by Oprah, we were shown some random footage of Chris Harrison and Brad Womack, Humanitarians at Large, as they visited a preschool in South Africa. They donated a solar-powered hot water heater and pledged to sponsor some kids. They sang songs and played soccer with the kids. I suppose it was nice to know that the Bachelor gives back instead of just romping around on elephants and having sex in trees.
Brad tells us that he knew in South Africa that he had found his wife and that he is now happier than he has ever been in his life. He says the unannounced winning lady has changed his life and he falls more and more in love with her every day. He proceeds to get all choked up and Chris congratulates him and adds that he’s glad it worked out considering he wasn’t going to be given a third chance.
They aired the annual blooper reel that included some random naked guy walking around on the beach behind Brad and his brothers. Brad says he has no regrets and they roll a video about the two “incredible women” that Brad has to choose from as Brad narrates his feelings in such a way that if you really tried hard, you may actually believe that Chantal O. stands a chance, even though we all know she doesn’t. My dad knew this guy once that described his second wife in relation to his first wife as “Betty covers Susan like a quarter covers a dime.” Three guesses between Emily and Chantal who is the quarter and who is the dime.
The episode closes with previews of the final rose. We see Chantal and Emily arrive at the cape; Emily in angelic white and Chantal in a feathered black number. Good vs. Evil…who will prevail? Thank goodness this episode is over. I feel like I needed a Xanax. It’s like I just watched my kids fight over the last brownie for two hours straight.
And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.