Episode 5

After last week’s hoodie moment, Chris Harrison steps it up in some business casual attire in the opening of tonight’s episode of the Bachelor. Perhaps this was to set the tone that “things are getting serious.” He told the ladies that everything was changing and that this week. Not only would everyone get a date, but there would be the dreaded two on one date. Although a threesome is the dream of many a man, to the ladies, this means one girl will go home after the date. In keeping with changes, the girls are told to pack their bags because they are going to Vegas!

Brad arrives first and is there to greet them. Michelle is the first to run to him, of course. She seems to have toned down the crazy, or perhaps the wolf has just donned a sheep’s skin. When the ladies arrive in the limo, they manage to say “Oh my god!” 73 times in the course of 4.7 seconds. We are treated to less Michelle confessional video this week, but more of Brad’s confessional. Apparently they had a BOGO at the Gap, because in one he is wearing a red gingham shirt in one and in the next he is wearing a black one.

The first date card arrives and Michelle reads it without threatening to give anyone a black eye. Shawntel gets the first one on one date. For the date, Brad takes Shawntel shopping. As they sip champagne, they try on outfits and ooh and aah over each other. Brad “buys” her a dress and shoes and various other bags filled with goodies. Then they part ways for her to take her loot back to the suite and get dressed for the evening. When she walks in with tons of bags, the other girls are less than happy. It could be that they are jealous of the shopping trip, or it could be that they are in Vegas in an amazing hotel and can’t leave the room because the producers don’t want to spoil any secrets so they’re shoved up in luxury with a bunch of bitches that they are competing against. But that’s just a guess.

Ashley S. shares in a confessional that she is jealous because every woman wants their own Pretty Woman moment. Now, this is the second time this season someone has compared a date with Brad to Pretty Woman. Things haven’t changed in the last two weeks. They didn’t rewrite the script. She’s still a hooker!

Michele is mad after she finds out that Shawntel’s new purse was priced at $5,000, although she still seems to be chilling for her. Perhaps the Xanax from the plane ride over hasn’t worn off yet.

Brad arrives in a suit and notices what he calls tension in the room. Someone may want to get Brad a thesaurus on the next shopping spree, because tension is not a synonym for jealous bitches. Shawntel comes down the stairs in her new little black dress. She made a smart buy with that one; she will definitely be able to wear it again – at the funeral home.

Dinner is on the roof of the building and Shawntel is so excited that she is going to get to tell Brad about her job as a funeral director and embalmer.  Apparently, their super special connection hasn’t entailed actually telling Brad what she does for a living. Just about the time Brad cuts into his steak she explains how she drains the body of fluids and uses the word “leakage.” About the time she tells him about her cross-eyed cat, the bottle of champagne pops its own cork, scaring the daylights out of them. After dinner, they have a private (meaning just for them and everyone else in Vegas that isn’t in a casino with no windows or passed out drunk) fireworks display. Just as he picks her up off the ground (why does he keep doing that with her?) and they get to kissing, the girls in the suite realize the reason their suite is vibrating is that the producers are blowing up explosives on their roof for some other chick’s date. Of course, she got a rose.

The two on one date is Ashley S. and Ashley H. When they figure this out (by process of elimination – these chicks are smarter than I first thought) they are both in tears because they are “best friends” and don’t want the other to leave. Ashley S. would never be able to forgive herself if the other Ashley had to go home. Are they planning on moving to Utah and both marrying him?

The group date takes place at the Las Vegas Speedway. Brad does a shameless plug for a NASCAR race (it’s in five weeks, in case ya’ll care) and Michelle is super excited because she’s fun and hot, so just think how she’ll be in a racecar. The girls suit up in matching gear and a few at the time, get to drive around the track in a racecar. Now I have to interject at this point that they never showed the speeds these girls were going, but I had the great joy of being driven in a NASCAR racecar around the track at 125 mph at the Talladega Speedway last year, and that’s some serious stuff. I was amazed at the impact on your body at that speed on the embankments. With that being said, and the amount of alcohol that these women have had in the last few weeks, it’s impossible that any of them got over about 50. All the girls know about Emily’s dead baby daddy being a racecar driver, but Brad does not. Brad notices that Emily is a little stressed and takes her off to the side. There he learns that the Vegas track was where the race took place leading to the crash that ended Ricky’s career/life and he feels like a total jerk since he didn’t even know the dude drove cars. But Emily is a trooper (and still my favorite) and said she wanted to drive. It was something she needed to do.

Once she’s in the car, she starts crying and Brad checks in on her. She says she’s ready and she and Brad lap the track in their cars. She says the first lap is for Ricky and the last lap is for her. Then it’s off to possibly the first group date without a hot tub in Bachelor history. Brad takes Emily to the side again and the other girls have a fit. Brad tells her that he likes her a lot but it’s hard to fill the space of dead baby daddy. She tells him that it shouldn’t be an issue (read: grow a pair) because she wouldn’t be there if she didn’t like him. When Brad talks to the other girls, Alli is bawling her eyes out and Chantal isn’t much better. In a drunken stupor, Chantal lets the L word slip (love, not lesbian) and says she thinks it shows how caring Brad is that he wants to comfort Emily, but if he doesn’t like her, then he should send her home. (We are treated to a peek in the suite at the Ashleys continuing their crying fit.) Brad walks up on the girls at the group date and they are talking about him. It’s really awkward so Michelle decided to “save him” by pulling him behind a curtain to talk. She wants to talk about the other girls, but he wants to talk about her. About this time, my seven year old son walks through the room, looks at the television and says, “Oh, that’s the crazy one, right?” That pretty much sums that up. Brad gives the rose to Emily (I’m not sure how this was so shocking to the other girls, but it was) and says in confessional that he doesn’t care if it upsets any of the other girls. He promises to her that he will be himself good or bad and says that he’s falling for her. In a confessional, she confirms that this feeling is reciprocal.

For the two on one, the girls get all dolled up only to change into exercise gear about 15 minutes into the date. After watching a practice of Elvis Cirque du Soleil, they learn some steps and find out that two of them are going to be in tonight’s sold out show, and it ain’t the two ladies. Brad will decide who will perform and who will be going home. Ashley S. confesses that her biggest challenge is to overcome herself, but I think her biggest challenge is her old-school “Rachel” hair cut and that stupid rubber green bracelet. The other Ashley tells us that she fell for Brad on their first date (gag). After changing back into the dresses (did they shower?) they go to dinner. Is  Brad wearing a black velvet jacket? Seriously? Is it homage to Elvis? Good golly, that jacket may have happened in Vegas, but it sure as hell needs to stay in Vegas. He presents the rose in front of both girls and offers it to Ashley H. She snatches that bad boy up with a glance toward her “best friend.” Ashley S. confesses that it feels like someone punched her in the stomach…and the heart. Well, honey, Brad punched you in the heart. It was the other Ashley that punched you in the stomach. Just be glad it wasn’t a two on one with Michelle, or you’d have a black eye. As we watch a make out session between Brad and the chosen Ashley, the Ashley scorned provides voice over of her blubbering and bawling in the back of the limo.

Brad wakes up and calls his L.A. therapist. He tells the good doctor about the train wreck of a group date and how the girls were all crying. He tells him that he is scared. Unlike normal reality television, neither the doctor nor Brad used speaker phone. I guess the producers wanted Brad to have a more personal therapy session. The doctor tells him that “strength and vulnerability can co-exist.” And with that one simple phrase, Brad found his Yoda.

The cocktail party was short, as more time now is being spent on upcoming previews and longer make out sessions. Brad said Chantal was dramatic and gave us the impression he was going to cut her, but then he apologized to her. He did, however ask her to stop giving him so much crap. Brad made Alli feel special (finally) by opening a bottle of champagne and giving her the world’s smallest cake. It had a green ribbon on it because she was wearing green when they first met. Marissa gives him an envelope (she’s a self-professed note giver) that is filled with notes for him to take out and randomly read to make him happy. Brad tells Britt that he thinks they have chemistry (Michelle disagrees). Speaking of Michelle, the Xanax has worn off and she’s fully recharged her crazy. She takes Brad into a room, shuts the door, tells him to sit down, tells him he cannot speak, sits on his lap and tells him that he needs someone who will appreciate him. She gets a little physical and jerks his face in her hand, then pecks him on the lips. I think she was trying to be coy, but it all came off as more schizophrenic than seductive.

Time for the rose ceremony! The roses go to Michelle, Alli, Britt, Jackie and finally Chantal. While they were being passed out, Lisa (who I don’t think I’ve even noticed before this episode; where’d she come from?) looks as if she’s going to vomit or run or cry or something. Marissa looks as if she’s going to hyperventilate. Both girls are crying before Chris Harrison finishes telling them to say their goodbyes.  Lisa tells us that she now questions everything. It’s too bad she didn’t do that sooner, because she needed to question that mono-boob bag dress she was wearing. Chick needed to go home just for that! Marissa is clearly upset, and rightly so. I mean, she “left everything to find love but didn’t get it.” I wonder if she got her notes back…

Each season is the most something. We have had the most romantic. We have had the most dramatic. We have had the most shocking. And at the beginning of tonight’s preview of coming events (that include Costa Rica and South Africa) we learn that this is the “most controversial season ever!”

And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.

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2 responses to “Episode 5

  1. I like to refer to Episode 5 as “The Attack of the Neanderthal Foreheads” . . . and Brad’s decision to cut two of the biggest offenders . . . I have to preface this with the fact that for many years I have had an obsession with forehead sizes and the personalities that accompany them so perhaps it’s just me that noticed.
    The winner of the the most offensive (and least existent) forehead is of course the note writer/sports chick Marissa . . I mean it practically goes from eyebrows right into hairline . . . she is clearly missing a good 2 inches in that area. Probably didn’t help that she’s obviously fighting a losing battle with her acne . . . thanks for nothing makeup artists!
    Runner up for the tiny forehead award was of course Ashley S . . . a flaw that even that “Rachel” haircut couldn’t fix. And although Lisa possesses a forehead of decent size, she did not have the staying power or “notice me” factor to match. I, too, found myself saying “Is this chick a stand-in for one of the regulars?”
    Not to say Brad hasn’t kept a Neanderthal or two . . . yeah Jackie, I’m gunning for you . . . but take a moment to check out the camera pan across the three “rose holders” at the beginning of the ceremony . . . They’d give Tyra Banks a run for the money . . oh and surprise, surprise what other big ol’ noggin joins them first? Crazypants Michelle.
    And that’s what I learned about human evolution and survival of the fittest (aka “the foreheads”) this week on The Bachelor.

    • I’m sorry. You must have missed the memo. The reigning queen of all time biggest foreheads is no longer Tyra Banks. It is Giuliana DePandi Rancic. Fortunately, Rancic is likable and seemingly caring about something other than herself. So I suppose when speaking about gigantic foreheads in a negative light, perhaps it is fitting to continue to use Tyra as the standard. I always check out teeth first, followed by crazy eyes. Don’t even get me started about Michelle in that category…

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