Episode Three

In case you missed the Bachelor this week because you were at a MLK parade or maybe you went to bed early so you could have a dream, here is my weekly re-cap of the action.

I hope ABC bought the rights to the Psycho soundtrack, because our girl Michelle broke out the crazy this week. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Episode three started with the tried and true formula of reviewing what had already happened and previewing what was about to happen so that ABC can draw the show out to two hours, giving them more prime advertising opportunities for eHarmony and Lean Cuisine.  On the first solo date, Brad chooses Ashley S. to go with him to a recording studio to conquer his fear of singing in front of three people that he’s never met and come to grips with the fact that he’s tone deaf. Remember, Ashley S. is the nanny from New York with an accent honed well below the Mason-Dixon Line. Out of the 546,786,143,337 songs ever written and recorded, Brad chooses Seal’s (or as he refers to him, “Mr. Seal”) “Kiss From a Rose” for the happy couple to record. All I can figure is that Brad sort of looks like Christian Bale in that neither one of them has ever completely shaved their face, and Christian Bale was in a Batman movie and this song was in a Batman movie, so Brad felt some connection to this song. I probably would have picked “Batdance,” but who am I to judge? Anyway, “Kiss From a Rose” was Ashley S.’s favorite song when she was little. When her dad died, it always made her feel closer to him and so for Brad to pick that song was certainly a sign and all that crap. She shares with Brad about her dad dying; their connection deepens, as do their kisses. Of course she gets the rose and then they sneak into a private Seal concert? I’m not sure what Seal was doing. He wasn’t recording. He never acknowledged their presence, so I don’t think he was singing to them. It was almost as if they were watching him sing in the shower, only he had his clothes on. It was very Cary Grant in “Charade.”

Hey, speaking of bats, Michelle has gone bat-shit crazy! Every confessional is filled with her plans of making babies with Brad and emphatically staking her claim on him. She spends every moment away from Brad talking about Brad, and every moment with the girls is spent subtly sending them mental death threats. You see, Michelle is a woman. Everyone else is a girl. And Michelle hates them.

Time for a group date! This episode’s group date carries on the theme of bad acting, but unlike last week’s soap opera, this week the crew will be filming an action movie. All of the girls start out learning fake karate moves and trying to figure out how much effort they can put into the moves without actually getting sweat stains on their clothes. Michelle is upset that they will be beating up male actors playing bad guys instead of her getting to beat up all the other girls, but she gets super upset when Shawntel not only smokes her in the acting/action department, but in the screen kiss department. But Michelle knows that her first kiss will be the turning point in Brad’s adult life, and she really wants it to happen somewhere other than on screen, so it’s o.k. after all. Um, is it just me? Or does anyone else get the humor that the Action Director of their “movie” is named Steven Ho? That’s right, I said Ho.

The date starts with Brad doing a fake, choreographed fight scene. The funniest part about this is that at some point, Brad had to practice this before the girls arrived. It gives whole new meaning to getting ready for a date. We get to see all of the girls perform the moves, then we get to see Michelle make fun of all the girls, and then Brad tells us how proud he is of the girls. Shawntel is the stand-out at the movie shoot. She hit guys with fire extinguishers, threw refrigerators across the room, did gymnastics, and sucked the skin off brad’s face. Michelle provided voice-over for the entire date and outlined how she would stalk and kill each girl, about how she was going to lock Brad in a closet and deprive him of protein until he relents to her whims and then broke into a sadistic version of Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing.”

After the shoot, everyone went to a rooftop pool and jumped in, squealed, and drank champagne. Each time a girl tried to have some one on one time with Brad, Michelle would use Green Beret tactics to stalk and surprise her prey. At one point, Chantal shares with Brad that when she searched for her birth father that she finally tracked him down only to find he had died weeks before. This helped her realize that she had to live for the day and cease every opportunity. She and Brad embrace as he wipes her tears. The girls and Brad enjoy some sprint races in the pool and some chicken fights before Brad and Alli slip away for some one on one time. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Michelle appears at the counter behind them, drumming her fingers with a “Just whenever you’re done.”  Brad and Michelle go to the top of the building where Michelle tells him that he is not spending enough time with her. She plays the single mom who misses her kid card and Brad eats it up. They have their first kiss, and there must have been something wrong with my television set, because I didn’t see the fireworks, but Michelle did remind us once again that he was hers and that everyone else should just pack their bags. Brad gives the rose to Shawntel and they do some more making out. As the group watches the movie that they filmed from the pool, Michelle tells us all that she is beeping pissed and that Brad is hers and that those other girls better step off. Then she unzips her skin and reveals that she is Satan.

Earlier at the house, the date card arrived for Emily (my favorite). The girls at home with her ask her about telling Brad about being a mom. That’s when she tells the girls the whole story of how her fiancé was killed in a plane crash and how she discovered she was pregnant days later. There was not a dry eye in the house. Through the wine and the tears and the hugs, Team Emily is formed.

Brad arrives to pick up Emily for their romantic date. She looks cute, as always, in a little romper thing that no mere mortal could wear and look that good. Megan describes Emily in confessional footage as being a little Barbie doll with the heart of Mother Teresa, and you want to hate her, but you can’t, because you can’t hate Mother Teresa. Brad decides to give Emily a super surprise by selecting a private plane as their mode of transportation for the date. Emily acts like its great because she doesn’t want to kill his buzz, but boy; he’s going to feel like a putz when he finds out about her baby daddy eating it in a plane crash. The conversation at their winery date is awkward as Brad tries to pull out personal information and Emily answers his questions with as little information as possible. She has the charm, sweetness and accent of a small-busted Dolly Parton in the movie “Straight Talk” with James Woods. Brad is getting super frustrated because he really has the hots for her, but can’t get past her walls. Brad and Emily move into a barn for a romantic dinner surrounded by bales of hay and candlelight. Although I was pretty disappointed that nothing caught on fire, I was happy that Emily finally told Brad about her past. As soon as everything is out in the open, Brad begins his rapid descent into lovey-dove with Emily and she starts knocking back the white wine. Of course, she gets the rose and they share some sweet, Mother Teresa kisses. Brad tells us in confessional that the show’s pretty much over; Emily is a keeper. (During the end credits, we get to see Emily’s human side when she and Brad are roasting marshmallows and she drops one and let some profanity fly.)

The second hour starts with a real treat as we get to watch Brad pace around his house and contemplate the process via voice-over. His L.A. therapist stops by to chat with him. Even though I was hoping it would be Dr. Phil, his new California doctor listens to Brad babble and then guides him toward an epiphany. He helps Brad realize that if he will spend more than fourteen seconds at a time with the girls individually and will shut the hell up long enough for them to complete a sentence, that the girls will open up and he will get a chance to learn something about them. This revelation is a turning point for the Bachelor and he is going to go to the cocktail party, open his heart to the women and find his soul mate.

And now it’s time for a cocktail party! The girls chat while they wait for Brad. Michelle acts like a bitch to everyone, Ashley H. freaks out because she thinks he may have forgotten about their great carnival date, Alli is dressed in a Tiffany’s gift box, and Kimberly apparently found the peacock feather earrings that Keltie accidentally left behind.

Alli references the fact that her dress looks like a gift box and she admits to him that she has trust issues because her dad was running in the streets and she had a sister that she didn’t even know about. She asks Brad if he’s a cheater and he says no. Apparently, that’s all she needs. His word is her bond.

Brad walks by Michelle and she tries to stop him. When he says he’s going to talk to someone real quick, she begins phase three of hysterics. Brad confesses to Chantal that he had been a jack-weed to her earlier when she opened up to him and he didn’t really reciprocate. Before he could stick his tongue down her throat, Michelle comes over to steal Brad away.

Michelle corners Brad and rips him a new one for kissing other girls after he has kissed her and he actually finds it endearing. She tells him that they are in a fight and jumps all over him for kissing these girls, but she laughs after each jab so he thinks it’s cute and that she is just letting him know that she’s into him. Apparently, Brad missed the made for TV movie, “The Trial of Lorena Bobbitt” on the USA network.

Madison has become obsessed with the whole dead baby daddy situation and decides to take one for the team: Team Emily. She doesn’t feel like she should take a spot when there are girls like Emily that don’t just want to find love, but need to find love. She steals away with Brad where she admits to him that she is only a girl by removing the Chiclets from her teeth and revealing that she is not a vampire. Then she tells him that she thinks she wants to bail. Brad thinks she is where he was a few years ago and although he wants her to stay, he isn’t going to stop her.

He immediately goes to some one on one time with Ashley H. and learns that she is thinking about going home as well. Unlike Madison, however it is because she likes him too much and only wants to stay if he really, really likes her. She’s tells him that she’s fine and he walks away, but he realizes by some sort of non-guy sixth sense that she wasn’t really fine and comes back over for some heavy petting.

At last, the rose ceremony starts. Brad gets about two roses into the process when Madison walks out. Brad excuses himself to go talk to her and she lets him know that she’s outtie. He commends her and then launches into a voice-over while we watch him walk around outside and chug a beverage. Then he returns to the ceremony and tells the women that they should go ahead and leave if they don’t really want to be there. He continues to pass out the roses and we are treated to Michelle dramatically blinking her eyes in slow motion after each one is presented. We watch the women as they squirm, waiting for their name, saying little prayers, looking at their feet, fake smiling, and acting shocked, honored and relieved as their names are called.

The chicks that don’t get roses this week are Kimberly and Sarah P.

In post ceremony confessionals, Madison admits in that the process isn’t a fairytale and that Brad was great, but she wasn’t ready. Kimberly says she has no regrets and confesses that Brad is intimidated by her, but it’s no big deal to her, because she could start dating someone tomorrow, so beep Brad. It’s his loss. Sarah P. has never heard of waterproof mascara and pulls a Tammy Faye as she has a small breakdown on the front steps of the mansion. I have no idea what she said because I was so distracted by the black lines running down her face. All I could think about was that commercial for the camera where the couple goes to Italy to take their picture in the same spot where they had taken a crappy picture before; and I just wanted Sarah P. to have her very own second shot after applying some waterproof Extend-a-lash.

The show closes with previews from next week where Brad takes a group date to a radio show with Dr. Drew (even better than Dr. Phil), the girls start to gang up on Ashley H. due to her insecurities and we see Michelle climbing aboard the crazy train. She is pictured with a black eye and I can’t help but think about some Lifetime movie like “Mother May I Sleep With Danger” or some other cheesy would-be thriller where the chick breaks her own arm and then acts like her husband did it.

And that’s what happened on the Bachelor.


One response to “Episode Three

  1. Kathryn Johnson

    I want there to be a “like” button after every sentence, so I could easily relocate all of the funniest quotes again after I read it.

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