Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Eight

After a regurgitation of the season’s highlights, Devin jumped right in to choose her soul mate. It’s Country vs. Country in a battle of movie references: will it be the quarterback with all the right moves or the horse whisperer? At this point, do we really even care?

She has a date with Tribble and they head out on a sea plane. She announces that she will be Maverick and he can be Goose. They land on a lake next to a country club and play a game of pool before sitting on a dock and having their “deepest conversation” about trust. Next they have a boat ride. Tribble compared it to a “dumpster fire” since they had some issues with the motor; the main issue being that Tribble didn’t know how to operate it. They discover that they both only have one living grandmother, but Devin isn’t sure that those trivial things in common are enough. Tribble spends the greater part of the evening trying not to stare at Devin’s cleavage, and he can’t open up to her without her telling him that she had already chosen him. His lack of confidence was a big buzz kill for Devin. After announcing that he isn’t really hungry, he walks away from a huge, beautiful steak. It was such a good looking steak that I couldn’t even pay attention to anything else that happened. How do you walk away from a steak like that? Are you insane? They go night swimming while the steak sits there and rots.

The next day, she gets on the same sea plane with Adam and he makes a fun quip about swimming with the sharks. They go to an island off the coast of Mississippi and have a little picnic. There is brie cheese that Adam keeps calling cheesecake and Devin pretty much decides she wants to dump him because he doesn’t know the difference between a dessert and a block of cheese. Adam knew he was messing up, but he had totally let Devin’s date with Tribble mess with his head. A storm rolls in that is more horrific than their conversation skills and they have to leave the island. They dress up and have some sushi with “green beans” and Devin shows off her spelling skills. He finally gets his confidence back and things take a turn for the better. Adam spouts off some romantic stuff and Devin says he sounds like a line from a movie. He tells her “exactly what she needed to hear” and then a huge rain storm begins pouring down on them. Then in the rain under stings of lights, they begin to dance without any music. It was an electrocution waiting to happen, but it was also pretty damn romantic. Adam sums the night up as “being like a movie” and lets Devin know again that he’s “fallin’ for” her.

Devin decides that even though they are both country, that one is city southern and the other is backwoods southern. She thinks she looks good with Tribble and he always keeps her guessing, but Adam is ruggedly good looking and “to know him a minute is to know who he is.” Tribble shows up first and Devin dumps him through tears. He claims that he is at a loss for words and then proceeds to talk for ten minutes. Ever the jock, he bounces back quickly and declares that if it can’t be him to win Devin’s heart, that he’s glad that it’s Adam (his best friend in the house) and he thinks they will be great together. Next Adam comes and meets Devin who is wearing a classic bridal inspired prom dress. She tells him that he’s the one and he whips out a small white box. Devin freaks for just a moment thinking it’s a proposal, but instead it’s a “promise ring on a chain.” In case you weren’t in middle school at some point and don’t know what that is, a promise ring on a chain is when you give a girl a ring with a diamond, but not a diamond big enough that anyone would actually want to wear it on their finger, especially their ring finger because then everyone would just think they had a crappy engagement ring and they would have to spend half their time explaining that it was just a promise ring. So it’s typically worn around a chain; which in most cases is the better piece of jewelry. I’ve never quite understood what the promise was that went with a promise ring, but whatever it is, Devin ate it up and Adam put the necklace on her with pride.

So the only question that remains is: Did Devin pick Adam because he’s from Franklin, TN; just a hop, skip and a jump away from her real hometown back in Tennessee?

Oh! Don’t cry for Tribble. He will be staring in the next Sweet Home Alabama where CMT will pair him with ten city girls and ten country girls and help him find his true love. Oh, just wait. In the promo clip, he said he’s looking for “Mrs. Right.” So apparently, they will all be married women. See you next time in Sweet Home Alabama!

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Seven

The country boys have a pow wow and decide that city boy Maxim is a threat and not right for Devin, but Jason Maxim isn’t worried because he looks like Josh Duhamel and he considers himself a Jedi (Yet he also considers himself mature enough for a relationship).

Devin takes Collin to a soda shop in Foley and they share a malt. Collin thinks she is “more than amazing and the love of his life.” Devin can imagine him being the guy she falls in love with. Next  they go to the beach and make out in the ocean. Later, while laying in a hammock, Collin lets Devin know exactly how he feels and she just smiles at him.

Devin and Jason go and meet Kathy Najimy in Gulf Shores. No, wait, that’s Jimmy Buffett’s sister, LuLu. “Alabama native” Devin explains that LuLu’s is a resort (it isn’t; it’s a restaurant with an upscale beach equivalent of put put golf so that people have something to do while they wait on a table) and the pair set off to climb a rope apparatus. While at the top, Jason explains to Devin that she has helped him “not care about money so much” and they make out. Devin says she doesn’t like to get stuff just because she’s pretty, but would rather deserve it. Jason realizes how much money that could save him and he falls even more for her.

Adam picks Devin up in his version of a “slick” car, a 1931 Model A, and they go to a hot air balloon fair. She is impressed with his suit and they share an ice cream cone and talk about all the mud in their teeth during their last kiss. They discuss where they would like to be in ten years. Devin is super realistic and explains her plans for two kids (a boy and a girl) and how the boy will come first because her daughter will need an older brother. She also explained how she wanted a career and would like to be a housewife. She is really also looking forward to getting fat. She teaches him some dance moves and he tells her that he’s “fallin’ fer” her and they swap some spit (without mud).

Tribble “pulls some strings” and gets his mother and Devin’s mother to meet them at Bellingrath Gardens for tea. Mama Reese explains that she must love her son to do this for him. As they walk to meet the Grissoms, she uses that time to bitch him out about his shoes not being polished enough and hopes that she doesn’t look at his feet, because apparently, at this point in the game, a dirty shoe would be a deal breaker. She must not be aware of the fact that Devin just finished a date with a guy who had mud in his teeth. Devin’s mom didn’t trust Tribble at first because he was “good-looking,” but after taking her sunglasses on and off about twelve times at  “tea” she decided that he was a nice young man. (Tea is actually mimosas, and to understand the sunglasses, just watch the damn clip). Tribble walked his mom back to the hotel so that she could run a full background check on Devin and Devin went off for a little chat with Kim Bassinger (or Mrs. Grissom, whatever you want to call her – see photo below and decide for yourself). Mom admits to Devin that she’s never “dated so many at once” (thank goodness). Tribble and Devin sneak away and have a disjointed conversation about how stressed she is and he walks away without any smooches.

Devin arrives to the porch and announces that she’s in the worst mood of her life (apparently they have now been there a full 28 days) and she apologizes to Tribble for their rotten one-on-one time. She tells them that two of them will be going home and that they just need to come see her at her old truck one by one.  Adam decided to go first and she invites him to stay. Collin goes second and she cuts him loose. He wants to know if she let him go because he’s “so deep that it scared her away” and she simply says she’s sorry. After squalling on the other guys, the other two country boys walk him to the fence (Tribble carrying a huge bunch of dry-cleaned dress shirts, um…whose are those?) and tell him goodbye. Next up is city boy Jason “Jedi” Maxim. Devin tells him that he scares her and sometimes she just wants to pack up and leave with him, but her heart is in the South and she knows that is where she belongs. He tells her that she opened his heart again and that he will just have to find himself another girl from the South. Tribble “did the math” and figured out he was going to get to stay and went out to see Devin and told her he wanted to stay. He’s excited that his “best friend in the house” is still remaining and they both look forward to the “fight to the finish.”

Yeah? Maybe like a short, pudgy Kim Bassinger?

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Six

I’m sort of in a hurry, so I’m going to make tonight’s recap short and sweet. Well, short anyway. Devin’s Daddy comes to town to separate the men from the boys. Here are the highlights:

The City Boys proved that even they know the difference between alligators and crocodiles. (Sorry, Devin, you just lost a little more credibility as a Bama girl).

Daddy took the boys out ATV riding. Jason Maxim spoke from the heart (AKA brown nosed), Adam said something, but it was too country to understand. Tribble lost points with Daddy for being a quarterback. He must have gotten beat up by someone on the football team in high school. Daddy asked Collin what he would find if he Googled him and Collin assured him that he would find “nothing.” He then asked Flex what would happen if he Googled him. Flex told him he’d find about ten modeling photos and a Facebook page. When asked why he thought he and Devin would be a good match, Flex responded that they both “like Superman.”

While Daddy interviews the guys, Devin rides out on a four-wheeler and helps Adam get unstuck. Next comes a mud fight followed by some making out in the mud. Then they hose each other off.

Daddy and Devin clean up and have a chat. He likes Adam but thinks he has some growing up to do. He thinks Collin has a firm foundation, but doesn’t like the two earrings. He thinks Tribble is a playboy. He thinks Flex is a moron, although he didn’t really say that. Daddy doesn’t want Devin going to L.A. and he finds it hard to believe that Jason Maxim turned down a TV show to stay with Devin. Then Daddy let’s Devin know that he Googled the guys and found a video of one of the guys “full force getting it on” with a woman – completely naked and “going to town.” Well, that’s awkward.

The guys sit around and talk about their conversations with Daddy and wonder who will be going home. Devin arrives in a polka dotted dress and lets them know that one of them will be going home. She tells Flex that she wants to chat with him and they go for a stroll. Suddenly, he has a gas-station rose behind his back and gives it to her. She discusses their early chemistry and tells him that she always admired his honesty. Then she asks him about the sex video on the internet. He explains that it was a movie that he was in and that it was done tastefully and that you can’t see any of his “parts.” Even though it is titled Hotel Erotica, he says that his parents have seen it and they like it. (um…yuck) He starts making Devin feel guilty about “judging” him, but she tells him anyway that their romantic relationship needs to end. They hug it out and he leaves. He stands by the fact that his soft core porn was tastefully done and that he even “had a lot of lines.”

The highlight of the night was when CMT’s generic version of the never seen Chris Harrison narrated the preview of next week and called it “the most emotional episode ever.” You got me, CMT. I’m in.

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Five

Devin starts off on a date with Tribble who got a boat to “match her eyes.” He outlines how he played football at Clemson (he was the back up quarterback, by the way) and then arena football and is just short of his masters degree and how he now works as a bar tender. Devin should be in marketing. She spins him being a bar tender as “having a lot of freedom.” She thinks the date is perfect. In fact, she thinks it’s better than the Titanic (I only wish I was making up this dialog).  Next the two crazy kids hung out on a football field. They sit on the “sacred spot” at the fifty yard line and have some stimulating conversation. Devin says that Tribble scares her because she thinks she will be just another notch (in his belt? bedpost? scoreboard?). So he tries to remove all doubt for her by making out with her. He brags about being an MVP of an Alabama Mississippi All-Star game on the field they are laying on (this is true: it was a high school football game) and they continue to gush perfection compliments all over each other.

After the date, Devin takes the guys to Tuscaloosa, Alabama (her “hometown”) to help clean up tornado damage. As sarcastic as I am about this show, I have to say that close to forty people in Tuscaloosa were killed in the storms this year, including one of Devin’s Phi Mu sorority sisters. Over one thousand people were injured in the path of the tornado that stretched over a mile wide. The devastation was vast and so many people are still displaced and hurting. Thanks to CMT for helping keep this in the forefront of our minds, and thanks to the cast and crew of Sweet Home Alabama for giving your time to help clean up. I’m sure the guys will never forget their experience that day. (For information on how you can help, visit CMTOneCountry.com) And as much as it means to me that they helped the people of my home state, I have to say that Kash did make a noteworthy stupid statement when he picked up a small Happy Meal type stuffed bear and said “This could have belonged to some little kid.” Good guess, Kash.

Kash gets the one-on-one date and he reminds her of how he was the first guy to talk to her the first day (remember, he brought her the sweet tea?).  Kash pulls the teddy bear out of his pocket and tells Devin that he knows she has a lot going on, but that she needs to remember that love comes from the heart and not from the pocket (wallet). He gives he a quick kiss and walks away as Devin confesses that he is the perfect guy “on paper.” (That’s usually the kiss of death.)

Devin meets the guys down on the beach and thanks them for being there. She lets them know that two more guys will be leaving tonight. The boys all refill their beer and the country guys slip off for some bonding time. Kash tells them that it’s more important for Devin to pick the right person than for her to pick him, but that he knows that she should pick one of the five remaining country boys and not one of the two city slickers. Tribble agrees. Soon Boyd shows up and is greeted with a beer. He pulls Kash from the group and he goes to meet with Devin on the back of her old blue pick-up truck. She tells him that he’s perfect on paper, but that she doesn’t think she has strong enough feelings for him. He says no hard feelings and they hug it out. He uses the excuse of reminding her to “follow this right here – your heart” to almost touch her boob. The rest of the country boys walk him out arm and arm while the city boys look on.

Next Boyd grabs Adam.  At the tailgate, Devin tells Adam that he has been her source of strength and that she looks forward to hanging out with him more. He drops about five g’s and gives her a goofy smile before headin’ back to the house. Country Cody is next to see Devin.  They hug and she says that she’s blessed to have had him in her life even for a short period of time. She thinks that he is the perfect gentleman, but that she doesn’t think she can keep up with his rodeo lifestyle. Then he tells her that he’s glad that she’s letting him go because he can’t give her the things that the other guys can and that he thinks she deserves better than him. She gives him a small wrapped gift to remember her by and they hug again. When he gets back to the house, he tells the guys that he is happy that she will end up with one of them since they can give her more than he can. (The gift was a giant belt buckle.) He tells the guys good bye and leaves to go back to the road – back to fast women and pretty horses. Wait, wouldn’t pretty women and fast horses be better? The remaining guys sat around and mourned the loss of the two guys and and the country boys draw a line in the sand and declare that it is Us against Them. New York gets into it with Tribble because “Cody was like a brother” to him.

Oh! Next week, Devin’s dad comes to visit and he knows how to use Google. Which of the boys will be exposed by Daddy?

Sweet Home Alabama: Episode Four

Thank goodness I missed the first five minutes of Sweet Home Alabama because I was busy watching old SEC Football footage on YouTube, as apparently Michael decided to sing to Former University of Alabama Phi Mu Social Chairman, Devin Grissom during their time together in New York. Devin confesses to the camera that she isn’t sure if she should laugh or cheer him on, bless his heart. Dear girl, cheering him on would be like the people who watched the Rebecca Black Friday video over and over; building up her confidence thinking that people were actually fans and not simply people with miserable lives who needed to feel better about themselves by witnessing someone else way more pathetic than they would ever be. Laugh at him. Discourage him. Kick his ass to the curb. Do something, but do not encourage him. He tells her that he only wants her to kiss him if she really wants to. She doesn’t.

Next in New York, Devin stops by a salon and gets a “blow dry” and talks about how she can get used to that big city stuff. Um, I don’t know where Devin hangs out, but even the salons in Eufaula, Alabama have hair dryers and offer a blow out. She puts on a fancy dress, smooches to some violin music and hangs out in Times Square with Jason who claims his life is like an action movie. Devin confesses that she’s not sure if she likes Jason or his lifestyle.

The country boys back in Alabama had a conversation out on the beach, but I was talking on the phone to my eight-year-old about frogs and didn’t get to hear it. Something tells me that my conversation about frogs was probably more exciting.

Devin tells Michael that she’s not feeling it for him, but he says it was all worth it because because of Devin, he “found his voice again” and told her to “go in peace.” For a minute I thought he was going to come out of the closet, but he didn’t. Next she dumped Pete who also seemed fine with it. She asks Jason to come back to Alabama with her and they make out in the park.

Jason comes back and rubs in the fact that he and Devin have a real “fairy tale” connection and announces that he turned down a job in L.A. for Devin. Boomhauer asked him “Did Devin like the city?” and I have to tell you, I’m from L.A. (Lower Alabama) myself, and I could hardly understand him. But the boys ain’t skeered, ’cause just like Lynyrd Skynyrd sang “You can take a boy out of ol’ Dixieland, but you’ll never take ol’ Dixie from a boy,” they decided that Devin was impressed with the city, but not the city slicker and that even though she had been out of the country, that the country was still in her.

Devin rocks her American flag tank top and Daisy Duke shorts with cowboy boots to the dirt track for a day of Southern style racing. After the track, Devin and Tripp hang out in the back of a pick-up truck and watch the lightning above a field. Tripp compliments Devin for not being plastic and they hug it out. I guess that means the date is over. I kept waiting for them to make some of that Deep South Glass with some metal sticks on the beach, but apparently they didn’t see the movie version of this show.

The boys (all Country but two) hold hands and pray about the upcoming elimination and Cody prays that God will bless the relationship of whoever ends up with Devin (Man, the Bachelor would be a lot different if it took place in Alabama). Devin sits at the end of a dirt road in the back of the old blue pick-up – her usual sittin’ spot – and Boyd comes to “have a beer” with the fellows. He pulls Tribble aside and lets him know that he is staying around. That makes Tribble happy because he doesn’t like the fact that their “family” is getting broken up. He does realize that they aren’t really related, right?

Next Boyd tells Flex to go see Devin at the truck. She wants to know why the guys at the house don’t like him. He says it’s because they are intimidated by him and jealous of him. Devin tells him that she wants him to stick around. Boyd pulls Tripp off the porch next to talk to Devin. He finds himself on the back of another pick-up truck with Devin and she tells him that she has stronger feelings for the other guys. He wants her to go through all of the guys and tell him why they’re better. (Really? Wow.) He tells her that he wants to fight for her and is willing to put it all on the line. She says thanks, but no thanks and gives him a hug goodbye. Then Tripp puts on his back pack, his ball cap and his Silly Bandz and goes to the beach and bawls his eyes out.

The Bachelorette: The Final Rose

It’s been the most amazing journey ever. And now it’s time for Ashley to pick her perfect match. Ashley’s family has flown all the way to Fiji to meet the guys and give their opinion. She shares with her family about how great the experience has been and tells them all about JP and Ben. Her mother’s accent is like the McKenzie Brothers. Good day, ay!?! One of these hose heads is going to have to take off.

JP is confident that Ashley’s parents will love him for who he is. He brings a bottle of wine (not from Ben’s winery) and starts smooching as soon as they see each other. JP sits down with the family as Ashley plays with her hair and mops sweat off of her face with a gold towel. As JP continues to talk, she looks down her shirt and sops  up some more sweat. Mom welcomes JP to the family with a toast. As soon as the women slip away, sister Kristi lets loose on Ashley. She wears her feelings on her tattoo sleeve and tells Ashley that she thinks that she is too much for him. Ashley starts bawling like a baby while Kristi talks about logistics and being rational. Ashley switches from wiping up sweat to wiping up tears and snot. Mom steps in and tells Kristi that she should at least talk to JP one-on-one before she decides that JP is not the one.

Next Ashley goes off with her brother, Elliot, and vents about her super mean sister. Elliot agrees that Kristi needs to actually talk to JP before making a decision. Then she tells her step dad about what happened with her sister. He responds in an incredibly Irish accent that Ashley should just calm down. Kristi and JP finally sit down together and she admits that she doesn’t see a connection between the two of them. JP tells her that he is 100% in love with Ashley. Kristi asks why JP is still single and wonders why he is interested in her “much younger” sister. Kristi will hardly let JP get a word in and keeps cutting him off. Then she tells him that she will not be happy if JP proposes to Ashley. JP is pretty pissed, to say the least. He talks to Ashley, but doesn’t get any reassurance from her and goes away feeling defeated.

Ashley sits down with her sister to warn her to chill out when Ben gets there. Kristi puts it back on Ashley and tells her to get over it. She compares JP to Bentley and says she’s not there to sugar coat it. After sitting there and talking over each other, Ashley tells Kristi that she’s not being her sister, that she’s being a bitch. Afterward, Kristi sits down with her mom and talks about how she thinks Ashley doesn’t want to hear the truth, but only wants to hear about rainbows and chocolate covered bunnies.

Ben arrives with a bottle of champagne (not from his vineyard) and goes in to meet the family. Unlike JP, he actually got to sit in the air-conditioning. The family asks them about their dates and actually got to know him (unlike they did with JP). Ashley starts using her dog voice and then Ben uses his dog voice. (Really? Is the wicked sister going to base compatibility on dog voices?) Ben goes off with Kristi for a chat by the pool. Ben says that he has felt this way about other women in the past, but that he is in love with Ashley. He feels like they are best friends and he is ready to propose to her. Kristi admits that she has been married and divorced (so now we know why she is so bitter), but she gives Ben the stamp of approval. Ben confesses that he is confident that the next time he sees her family, that he will be engaged to Ashley. When Ashley leaves her family, she confesses via voice over that it may be time to start making her own decisions and stop relying so much on her sister.

Ashley meets up with Ben for some alone time. He wears some super girly shorts, a straw hat that’s too small and he uses the word “swimmingly.” If this guys gets a rose, I’m going to kill myself. They fly off in a helicopter to get a birds-eye view of Fiji. They arrive at a natural “healing mud bath,” i.e. a big mud hole that some Fiji people are making a killing on. They rub mud all over each other and exchange flirty comments. After a shower, Ashley heads over to Ben’s place for a romantic chat. Ben tells her that he asked her parents for their permission to propose to her and tells her that he is in love with her. They make out and talk about how happy they are. Ashley throws her leg, complete with giant mosquito bite, over Ben and they make out some more.

Ashley meets up with JP for their final time together before the rose ceremony. He tells her that the issue with her sister was rough. JP tells Ashley that he knows her sister was wrong and that he thinks they are a perfect fit. JP tells her that he is flexible for whatever Ashley wants and that he is willing to give up a lot for her. He tells her that  he is madly in love with her and has been for some time. Then they head to the ocean’s shore where JP drops her towel and they make out next to the surf. Back at JP’s place, they sit on the bed and JP gives her a book that he made for her. It has a photo of them together and a letter with some super sappy stuff about their love story. When Ashley leaves, JP starts stressing about her choosing Ben and wondering if he will walk away with “love or nothing.”

Ben and JP each go select a ring from jeweler Neil Lane. Ben tells Neil Lane all about his relationship with Ashley and Neil smiles and nods and acts like he cares. JP talks to Neil Lane while he picks out a ring and Neil asks him what happens if Ashley says no. JP pours his heart out while Neil Lane snickers inside – not only because he seems to enjoy messing with people’s heads, but because he just got some major national advertising.

Ben uses the word confidence about 47 times and then heads off to propose. JP talks about how Ashley deserves the best and how he would sacrifice anything for her and also heads off to propose. Ashley applies massive amounts  of mascara and heads off to be proposed to. Ashley awaits on the beach and the guys arrive one by one via sea plane. First up is Ben. (Yay! I get bonus points for him being first in the Nashville Bachelor Fantasy League!) Chris Harrison ushers Ben to the walk down to Ashley while Ben gushes via voice over about how proud his dead dad would be of him. Before Ashley can speak, Ben tells her how great everything with her is and confesses how in love with her he is. Then he drops down on one knee and proposes to her with a simple, straight-forward “Will you marry me?” Ashley pulls him up and says she’s sorry. He shrugs and says “I guess that’s it,” and he walks off. She catches up to him and walks him out and he tells her that he doesn’t need her to sugar coat it. He tells her that he’s in shock and says that “good things don’t end unless they end badly.” He says that JP is a wonderful guy and turns and walks off. He jumps into a little boat and is motored away. JP’s plane flies over head as Ben’s boat passes in front of where Ashley is standing.

Ashley waves at da plane, da plane as JP arrives. JP hops out of the plane with the ring in his hand and is welcomed by Chris Harrison. Even though he landed on the beach, he and Chris walk up and down several flights of stairs back down to the beach. As soon as he reaches Ashley, they kiss immediately and exchange compliments. JP summarizes their experience from the limo to now. He tells her that he is still afraid of having his heart-broken, but that the only way to overcome his fear is to take a leap of faith. He tells her that the time they have spent together is the happiest time of his life and that he is madly in love with her. They kiss again and she tells him that she loves him, too. They beam with happiness and JP drops to one knee as Ashley grins. He asks, “Ashley, will you marry me?” and she says “Yes!” and they go right back to making out. The sun goes down and they embrace as REO Speedwagon’s I Can’t Fight This Feeling starts playing and we are treated to a montage of Ashley and JP’s best moments. Back at the beach, Ashley asks JP with her pseudo dog voice if he will accept the rose. And of course, he does. And that, my friends, is how you start happily ever after.

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

Tonight Chris Harrison welcomed us to The Men Tell All and promised to answer the burning questions that have been plaguing all of America. First, He sat down with Ashley in a prerecorded interview to review items such as drunken Tim, Jeff the mask, William the fallen, Ryan the unreal, and Bentley the player. Then they recapped some of the behind the scenes items that didn’t make it to the show including JP breaking the entertainment center, Ames ballroom dancing, Mickey hanging from a harness, canine urination, sampling local food, rice filled bamboo, toe cramps, creatively placed bananas, and Vaseline.

Back in the studio, the audience of middle-aged women and a few guys that were forced to be there squeal with delight as Chris Harrison previews the next season of the Bachelor Pad complete with tears and fights and back-stabbing. Highlighted are guests Michelle Money, Jake and Vienna, Ames, Guard and Protect Your Heart Boy, and a whole lot of Karma.

Next all of the guys who were dumped are welcomed to the stage to give their thoughts on this season. Most of the guys are in suits. Ames is surprisingly dressed down – he’s even wearing jeans! Perhaps he’s turning over a new leaf. They make fun of Tim for getting drunk and review Jeff’s mask. They discuss Ryan being a goober and William being too aggressive. All of the guys gang up on William for being a jerk and the audience seems to agree.  Nick stands up for Ryan and his “camp counselor” personality. Then Nick stands up for Jeff’s mask. Tim owns up to being a jerk for attacking Jeff, but says the mask is still creepy.

William joins Chris Harrison in the hot seat to review his Vegas date with Ashley. Then they make things awkward by replaying William’s terrible performance at the roast, and ultimately his dismissal from the show. You can hear a pin drop after the clip plays. William admits that he has only watched one episode of the show and that it is embarrassing to see how he acted on the show. He admits that he was an ass and vows to change the way he acts. When Nick tried to call him out and asks “Why are we all here?” William responds with “Because none of us can get a date,” and Chris Harrison compliments him and tells him that is how you shut someone down without being an ass.

Next in the hot seat is Ryan. We see a video review of Ryan’s time on the show from getting the first impression rose to his dissertation on water heaters. We get to see Ashley dump him not once, but twice. All the while, Ryan sweats and huffs and puffs in a live shot on the bottom corner of the screen. Ryan outlines the books he read before the show and the effort he had made to really connect with Ashley.

Ames joins Chris Harrison in the hot seat with his “awkward charm.” The audience goes crazy as he sits there looking goofy with his Twilight hair and world’s largest watch. As they roll clips of Ashley’s time with Ames, we are treated to Ames in the bottom corner with his mouth agape as if he’s catching flies. He tells Chris that his time on the show made him a better person and that he wished Ashley all the happiness. Chris Harrison presents Ames with a gift – the pink boxing gloves he used (or didn’t use) on the show.

To a chorus of boos, they roll the footage of Bentley’s time on the show. He goes on and on about how he’s not interested in Ashley and about how it’s just fun and games. Then he talks about how dumb all of the other guys are. Although Bentley was not there – as he declined the invitation – they discussed him anyway. The guys agree that he is a coward and an ass. None of the guys blame Ashley for falling for Bentley. Michelle Money was brought up to the hot seat since she had warned Ashley about Bentley before the show started. Michelle explains how she knows Bentley’s ex-wife and how she warned Ashley. She defended Ashley by saying that Bentley is a charmer and that women tend to fall for the bad boy. Bachelor, Chris, says that Bentley can “Go BLEEP yourself!” and the audience cheers!

Finally, with minutes left, Ashley joins Chris Harrison. She said the worst part of the process was feeling like a fool over the Bentley situation. She fights back tears as she talks about the time she wasted on Bentley. She asks the guys to forgive her for the mistake she made with Bentley. Blake tries to be nice about the situation, but doesn’t do a very good job of it. Ryan tells her that he gets it now and is thankful for the experience. Tim apologizes to Ashley for the mistakes he made the first night and slips in that he’s cheering for JP.

Previous contestants and winners (?) Deanna, Jason and Ally milk their fifteen minutes of fame a little longer and help promote that ABC concept of the “Bachelor Family” by joining Ashley and Chris on stage. Ally says this season was hard for her to watch. Deanna talks about how hard it is to send people home. Jason tells Ashley to forget about the audience criticism and to focus on what’s inside. Then we are treated to outtakes and bloopers from the show that never made it to television including wet spots, belching, bugs, frogs, Ames impersonations, and men without pants. And finally, the last ten minutes is filled with footage of Ben and JP and the big question: Who will Ashley choose, the man or the boy? I think we all know who I’m pulling for.